Can I "fake" GAL?

[Very Confused]

Hello all,

I've been involved in my trial separation for 3 months now. In the middle of April, I sought out a separation and divorce support group as part of me GAL. The first 2 weeks were so wonderful. I was socializing, getting out of the house several nights a week, making new friends with people I thought would understand what I was going through. Fast forward a couple of months and I have had to cut all those people out of my life because of DRAMA, what I like to call text message terrorism, inappropriate male advances and propositions. Ugh. I'm doing other things to GAL, like doing things for myself, but the social aspect of my life is severely lacking again. I moved last year to a new city and don't have any friends or family here. I have a few work friends, but they are all happily married and/or have kids.

My H knew I was out doing things all the time and it really seemed to improve our situation. He calls and texts more, he visits, we even ML the last couple of times we saw each other. This is huge to me because one of his love languages is physical touch and one of his big points for walking away was his lack of attraction to me. Now my question is, can I still hint at doing things with friends, even though I'm really not? I don't want him to think I'm just sitting at home all the time, even though that's what I am really doing.

Before anyone gives me a 2x4, I just do not have the desire to let more new people in to my life at this time. It's stressful and I have such a bad taste in my mouth from the support group so called "friends" I made.

I tried going to see a psychologist last week and it was a disaster. She said that not initiating contact was ridiculous and that I should be putting myself and my feelings out there for my H. She hated the idea of DB'ing. She criticized my hairstyle and wanted me to get a full makeover and have my colors done. I walked out thinking that maybe I should start contacting my H more..but me not initiating has been working for the most part so far, but she really made me feel like I was approaching my whole separation wrong. I'm so confused right now!

Today was our 6 year anniversary of dating and he didn't call me or text today. That really hurt after him contacting me 6 out of 7 days last week. I absolutely have not detached or dropped the rope. I was doing great before,then on June 1, he came over and we ML. It all changed from there. He prefaced any physical contact by saying he didn't want it to give me false hope. I agreed, but in hindsight, I see that is exactly what happened. Whenever I see him, I get sucked right back in to the cycle. I try to rationalize it because we are in a trial separation and he is still undecided on whether or not he wants a divorce.

Both of our lease renewals are due at the end of July and I'm beginning to panic about what is going to happen with us. Any and all advice is welcome..thanks.

[luvmyhubby]

Very,
You got the wrong counselor.. Disregard the comments and suggestions.. I do believe that you are on the right path so if it has been working for you the you must be doing something right.

Regarding ML that is each person's own decision. However I would make sure you protect yourself not just from emotional harm but the obvious STD. Sorry not trying to upset you but the truth is you dont actually know what else is going on.

I would truly love for my H to initiate some Phys. contact however he wont and I wont. His acknowledgement of your anniversary doesnt mean that he doesnt care. He may have blocked it out as to not remind himself of the day.

I would say keep GAL and dont worry about the future worry about right now. If the time comes and you are ready to renew your lease and you get nothing from him act "as if". You cannot force the situation even if it makes financial sense. So act "as if" you are moving on without him. THen be prepared to do so if necessary..

I dont know how you communicate about things however if you find out he has signed a new lease. Dont let him know that hurts you even though it may steam roll you. Dont let him see you upset retaining control of yourself and your emotions is key here.

I think that as women we over analyze things and then when they dont go the way we think they will we freak out. The problem with that is we dont truly have control of anyone or anything but our own selves and emotions. Focus on you and what makes you happy and a better person!

You will be fine! No matter how it feels at this moment!
BTW.. Im no expert and I open mouth and insert foot quite a lot so take my comments with a grain of salt..

[kml]

So, that counselor wasn't for you - BUT - if a counselor tells you you need a makeover, they are probably right!

So you should maybe just take that one piece of advice from her and ignore the rest. Do you ever watch the tv show What Not to Wear? Watch a few episodes and you may be inspired.

And yes, you can fake GAL. You can go out to the library but be mysterious about where you've been.

Or consider looking at Meetup.com for some groups that have nothing to do with divorce or dating but share some common interest.

Me, I GAL'd by joining an adult rock band class and learning to play the drums

[Young at Heart]

Dear Very;

May I suggest a different take on GAL. Look for GAL opportunites that don't get you into a group of separated people of the opposite sex who all have marriage problems as a common issue. May I suggest a few other options. The purpose (to me) of GAL is to transform yourself in ways that you didn't think were possible, to gain some skills that improve you, and to show yourself and your spouse that change is possible.

Since you said that you H was a "touch" person and I assume from what you posted that you would eventually like to rebuild the relationship, is there a skill that you could gain that would make you a much more attractive person to your husband at some time in the future, should he decided he wants you and you decide you want him? How about signing up for some massage school lessons? It might help you in three ways. First it might desensitize you so that you don't freak out touching another human being. You might actually learn how touch can be non-sexual and healing (which will be important to your H). Second, you might learn how to provide a really good theraputic massage that has healing benefits to a future parther (either your H or someone else). Massage is great for healing sports injuries and reducing tension caused by stressful jobs. Third, when your H finds out that you are massaging other people, he might find you more attractive and want to get some of that, which allows you options on DB'ing the relationship.

Another alternative GAL (that doesn't involve possible stalkers) might involve some form of real serious physical exercise that is designed to get you in shape and give you a killer body, that your H will fantasize over. Have you ever thought about training for a set of runs, like a 5-K (3.1 miles) in say 10 weeks and then a half marathon (13.1 miles) in say an additional 12 weeks. Seriously training for such a series of events even if you walk part of them, will get you in much beter shape and potentially loosing weight (if that would be beneficial). Again, you can join on-line running groups or clubs and avoid the stalking. A side benefit would be that vigorous exercise helps combat depression.

If running isn't your thing, how about bicycle races? Swimming, or maybe even weightlifting/body building? Indoor Sport/rock climbing? Most gyms you can join where you could do body building have personal trainers (you can choose either a male or female trainer). Through body building, you can really make huge changes in your body (change your and your H's image of you) in probably about 3 to 4 months of steady workouts. A sports group, will be focused on the sports, and not a group of people with mariage problems looking at each other for support.

While I think that GAL should involve strenous physical activity, it can also have other bettering aspects. It could include taking a course at a local community college. It really doesn't need to be about anything in particular, just something that will improve your mind or give you skills you value. You will be with people who are looking for skills and improving themselves and that will be your shared interest, so less chance of stalkers. It could be an English literature course. However, from what you have posted, maybe a begining psychology course or a cosmotology course (learn how to do your own make-up make-over), or a fashion course.

Finally, if you do that and you like the results, get brave and blow you H's mind and transform yourself. Try taking a belly dancing course or perhaps a pole dancing aerobics course at a local women's gym. Most of them are very women of non-perfect body type friendly and populated by women like yourself. They have them and you H will wonder what the Heck has gotten into his wife.

As to counselors, you are paying good money for a service. You deserve to get their A game and if the advice you get doesn't resonate with you, find someone else.

Good luck to you.

[Very Confused]

Wow, such great feedback! Thank you so much. It's funny, I get these blinders on sometimes that I literally lose myself in this separation. I've lost sight of all the things I have wanted and enjoyed doing. I love working out, reading, running, sitting out by the pool. I have belly dance DVDs that I bought a long time ago and never opened!

I bought a guitar today. I've wanted one forever and now that I have all this free time, I have no excuse not to learn. Plus no one is home to hear how bad I play! One of my 180s was to start dressing up in dresses whenever I see my H. He always mentioned how much he loved them, but I was never comfortable enough to wear them. He came over tonight to pick me up and I was dressed up. Well, one thing led to another and you know the rest. We did have a discussion related to STDs and protection and he said he would never ML to me if he had been with someone else. We are both in the healthcare field, so we are pretty neurotic about that issue. I never felt that he left me to be with someone else. I'll never know this for certain, but I honestly don't feel that this is the case.

While at dinner he mentioned that if I had been so open and sexual during the marriage, we probably wouldn't be separated right now. Hearing that was like someone punched me in the stomach, mainly because he was 100% right. I gained a ton of weight in school (70lbs) and felt disgusting. Sex was a huge problem for me because I was so self conscious. I have lost 75lbs since last summer and it makes a huge difference in how comfortable I feel with him. We've almost ML more times this past month than we had all of 2010. So to say intimacy was an issue for us would be an understatement.

He also mentioned getting a better job because buying a house "by himself" is his #1 goal at the moment..either in our current city or his home town 5 hours away. Another punch in my gut, I thought I was going to throw up! I have a plan for myself once my lease is up. It's not what I WANT, because I ultimately want my marriage back..but if he moves away, that's it I guess. One of my goals is to be included in his future plans. I just feel like the clock is ticking.

In the meantime, I am going to DB my butt off! I tend to toe the line with R talks, not so much a full blown discussions but more like sprinkling in a sentence here and there with validation. I monitor what I say and he seems to accept what I am saying without freaking out. He wants to feel wanted, needed, and desired, so that is what I am trying to do with words of affirmation. Like I told him, I though all those things while he was living here, I just never said them for whatever reason. He said that hearing this makes him feel wanted by me, but he is also worried that I'm only saying nice things so he will come back. I guess this is a common problem with the WAS.

I guess I'll get busy GAL..for myself. Thanks again to everyone for leading me in the right direction.

[Very Confused]

So I have a question, is it considered pursuing if I am telling my H how attractive and desirable I think he looks? I don't tell him these things out of the blue, it is only during appropriate situations. But still I wonder, is it ok to be doing this? Words of affirmation are important to him and one of the reasons he left was because he felt that I didn't want him or love him. I figure if we are ML that I should be ok letting him know how I feel..but I DO NOT tell him I love him, I know better than that. Thoughts?

[Very Confused]

So I found his profile on a dating website..what do I do???

He lists that he is separated and hadn't logged in since 6/6. I made up a fake profile and "favorited" him so I would be able to see when he gets online. He logged in this morning after he got notification that someone favorited him.

I'm in shock. I want to vomit. I can't confront with this info. I wish I wasn't on moderation so I could get help fast.

I have go to work tonight for the next 3 nights. Hopefully that will keep my mind off of it. I'm devastated.

[Very Confused]

I copied what he wrote in his profile..I took out any identifying information.


"I'm a pretty abstract kinda guy, but I am very much a gentleman. I still open the door for all females, and if you are the type to not accept that, then move on. I am recently separated and trying to figure out what I want to do w/my whole "relationship" life. I feel like a companion is in my future...but not 100% sure. Guess I haven't found that "perfect" female for me...if she really does exist? Just really trying to find good friends w/possibly more if you're the "one." Need someone that can keep up w/my humor and wit. Not looking for a dull conversation. Looking for someone that can stimulate my mind, body, and soul. In the past, only have found to have some only please 1 or 2 of the 3. Not looking to just "hook up" b/c I'm too old for that. Just looking for a "girl next door" type. Not looking for a girl that cakes her face w/makeup and has 10 pics of herself in a bikini. I am all about classic beauty, not scantily clad women. Send me a msg if you would like to know more."

Him talking about finding the "one" breaks my heart all over again. I guess my marriage really is over.

[Young at Heart]

First, of all, I can understand your curiousity about his dating profile. But what kind of good outcome did you anticipate would come out of "favoriting" him? Nothing go could have come out of it and nothing good came from it. That should be a huge lesson to you about monitoring your actions and limiting your contact/pursuit of him.

Read the MWD books and try to understand what the advice is trying to do. It is trying to change the dynamic (both 180's and GAL and DB'ing) between you) so that he has to re-evaluate his relationship with you and change how he treats you. If you are not happy with the status quo, then you need to change the dynamic in your relationship.

You can not force him to make changes you want. Let me repeat that, you can not force him to do things that you want him to do. What you can do is change yourself so you are more desirable to him. And you can change the way the two of you interact so that he has to treat and approach you differently. If you are lucky (and it doesn't always happen), he will think about how he needs to change the way he treats you and decide that he wants to do things that will improve the relationship. If so, it will be his choice and not yours. The best you can do if that happens is reinforce his positive actions.

Understand that you have a limited set of things you can do. Then do them. Hope and pray that your spouse thinks about what they are doing and decides that the changes you creating in their life warrant them to improve the way they treat you, then if you start to be treated better by your spouse, reinforce their positive behavior. Otherwise, DO NOTHING to pursue them.

Read the MWD books, they have lots of ideas that work and work often.

[Very Confused]

Thanks for your response. I favorited him as an anonymous user, not as myself. It let me know when his last login was. I just had a gut feeling and decided to check the dating websites. I am being intimate with my H, so I think that I deserve to know what his true intentions are. The info is out there for the world to see, so I don't really consider it pursuit. It helped me see where his head is at right now.

I know DB works. I was "bad" and contacted him via text a couple of times recently, and it doesn't work. Backing off the contact/pursuing him does not garner favorable responses. I'm figuring it out slowly but surely. Now if I could just figure out how to be patient..