Now do it again. And again, and again, and again ....
When my stbxH dropped the bomb I honestly thought my world was ending. I collapsed on the floor, was sick, dizzy ... I felt like it was all a nightmare that I just wanted desperately to wake up from. He demonized me, blamed me. I took it all on. I internalized it. Believed him. Self esteem shot to hell? Oh, I hear ya. Loud and clear. I was told that my control freak ways has emasculated him to a point where he felt small. He had no voice. He didn't feel like a man. He said I was selfish, controlling, manipulative, dominant and conflictual (is that a word?)
I started posting here and very early on I lucked into having vets like Coach, Greek and Puppy posting to my thread in Newcomers. I quickly jumped to MLC once I discovered it and again lucked out ... J3B, Grit, Eric, MHL, Mach, Brooklyn, Cat and so many others jumped in. They asked me the questions we're asking you. They pushed me. Turned things inside out and upside down so I could see them from a new perspective. Taught me to look at what I could control ... ME. But I had to do it in my own time, and I made many mistakes along the way.
Peace came when I chose to change my focus to ME. When I learned to love and trust myself again (an ongoing project btw). When I forgave myself for the mistakes I had made. When I chose compassion instead resentment.
Even now, the days that are less peaceful ('cause we all have them, even the "vets") are the ones where I am in "someone else's business" ... ie. I'm not focused on me and the things I can control. I'm not a religious person Tad, but the line "Let go and Let God" (whatever God means to you) is really very powerful.
I am a good person. I'm flawed, obnoxious by times and I talk too much. I love with everything I have, would give my last dime to friend in need and would die for my family. I'm a great mom. I'm a recovering control freak and I still like things done my way. I'm a good friend.
These things I know about me because they are true, not because someone else has said so. They are my truth. I chose to work on my flaws because I want to be the best ME I can be, not because someone else doesn't like something about me.
There are a few things that helped me along the way ...
Gratitude. This is HUGE for me. Find something everyday to be grateful for. As devastating as all this is ... your world did NOT end. My sister buried her 4 year old daughter a year before my stbxH left, you wanna talk for helping to keep things in perspective, that does it for me. Be grateful Tad. For small things, for big things, for challenges and opportunities. Learn to focus on what you DO have, not what you don't have.
Balance. This means so many things to me. Work and play. Kids and grown up time. Self respect and compassion. Figure out what it means to you. When you are balanced, you are centered and much harder to topple over.
Learning. My IC said that she felt that I saw myself as a project and I grabbed the bull by the horns and wrestled that monster to the ground (almost a direct quote, lol). I wouldn't say I've beaten the beast, but I've battled many demons in the last year, acknowledged others and continue to be a work a progress. I've also read ... Co-dependant No More, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (facinating stuff on the fear/shame dynamic and communciation patterns which I actually found has helped me in talking to my kids too), Relationship Rescue, Love and Respect, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, countless articles on detachment, mutuality, controlling behaviour, letting go, happiness, personal responsibility, emotional intelligence ..... and more threads and posts here than I could even remember. Learning about MLC helped me understand that this wasn't about ME. That didn't mean that I didn't play a role in weakening my marriage, but it meant that his crisis was his crisis, and nothing I did or said was going to bring him out of it. That would happen, or not, when he did the work. But I wasn't powerless, I was now armed with all kinds of info about what I could do to become the woman I wanted to be, the woman who had been hiding behind her own fears and insecurities for so long. There were nuggets of truth in the spew that came my way. Some of it stung, and stung bad. That was where I started.
I stopped defining myself by my marriage. I wasn't a success or a failure because I was married ... or not. I would be a success on my own terms.
I'm getting there
So Tad ... what are you grateful for today?
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
