I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

True, very true words my friend. You, AJ, MHL, Sunshine, Brooklyn, Jack, Trusting, Eric, Grace, Snodderly and so many others have been wonderful.

Today is the first day that I have cried in nearly a month. I thought that I was doing so well. I guess not.

You have had a whole life with this woman.

Yes, and that is why it is so hard for me to believe that it is so EASY for HER TO LET ME GO.

Because it is killing you.

More than you know my friend. Wait, I'm sure you do know.

Stop watching your W. Let her go.

I thought that I had until today. Realizing that she removed all of my pictures killed me. She looks so damn happy. She looks very happy. Either she is, or she is a damn good actress. Seeing that made me so damn sad.

She called S16 tonight and told him that she didn't know if she could pick him up this weekend because she doesn't know if she has enough gas in her car. She has a quarter of a tank left and doesn't get paid until next Friday.

Sometimes she will do something that gives me a little hope. Then she will turn around and do something that takes it all away. Or.....do something that shatters all hope and then does something that gives me some.

I might be divorced next month. Can't get over that fact. Next month is also our 26th anniversary. Ug......

Everything is my fault too. I am just so terrible in her eyes. My self esteem is shot to hell. The last time we actually had a conversation, she said that she would have given me a second chance, but I didn't give her the time and space that she needed. Did she mean that or was that just a way to put everything onto me? If she did mean it, then maybe things weren't really that bad?

She has even blamed me for thinking that she wasn't dark enough. Are you kidding? I love dark-haired women. My W is a beautiful dark-haired woman. I've never once made any comment to even infer that she wasn't dark enough. Maybe it is because I love Alicia Keys? I'm being serious.

She has blamed me for so much. Some of it is valid and I know that. Other stuff is just out there like: "you never took me to the right grocery store." THAT was her number one reason.

She is all about her new friends these days. Friends that I believe influenced her thoughts. Maybe I am wrong.

I really don't know how some of you do it. I admire the hell out of you. Wish we could meet someday.

I KNOW. I need to stop watching her. This is so hard. Maybe I just need a hug.....or a 2 X 4.

Tad