My interest level change. She told me about her visit with the MC. It was a sh!tty night.
First she tells me the MC agrees with her conclusion about separating. My W said that it was nice to have someone confirm what she was thinking because she wasn't sure she was on the right path. Thanks Doc.
Second, she basically reaffirmed what he said. He thinks it's a good idea to separate so we can regroup personally. We can get help with our IC, then we could work with him as needed. My wife seem to think this was okay. He sees the separation as more temporary than anything.
My W sees it as more open ended. She must have said about 20 times that the MC thinks we will have a good outcome. My W did not share that optimism. She is stuck on her "who knows what will happen" mantra. She said that she doesn't know if there was a tipping point in my behavior that she can't get past.
On one hand she says that - that person who went through that awful stuff last year wasn't really "me." But yet, she is still willing to hold me accountable.
I do think she really gets the full ramifications of the EA. She has a lot of guilt about it and wonders if it means something that she did it. I mean, as she put it, it was my No.1 fear last year and it cause me great distress and despite that she still did it. I hate that she feels so awful about it. I tried to tell her that from my end I'm working on how I feel.
Basically, I think her goal through this was to give me no FREAKIN' hope. When I wanted it so desperately. Okay, I shouldn't say NO HOPE because she didn't say "it's over" She did say she wonders about the "costs" if she can get over these things. She kinda glossed of the costs if she can't.
We then talked about because I'm her husband and how she feels about me, I have a lot of leeway in my actions before she'd give up on any relationship with me. Even more so than just a regular friend.
My take - she wants to think she can get over the stuff b/c she does love me and does care and doesn't want to break up our family, BUT she really doesn't think she can and is wrestling with that. She did say that we need a lot of time.
She also kept returning to the idea of a "tipping point." on my actions. She wonders if there was. I think there has to because if there wasn't, then she wouldn't question if there was. The question is can she get past that.
I know she can. I have faith that she can and has the ability to do so. But wether she will is a different question.
Another thing that came up was her "fantasy" about life after a possible divorce. She told our MC that if we split than she would do everything in her power to maintain a great friendship (she is tenacious). I didn't have the heart to tell her that if that happens we won't be friends...no matter how hard she tries.
I've kept this last bit to myself because I don't want to seem punitive. I've done a lot of thinking about this and I decide that I can't be friends with her if we get divorced. (I fully acknowledge that could change) It's not because I don't love her or don't value our connection, it's just that it would be too damn painful...at least in the first couple of years. The connection we had would be severed.
Not to mention that if I move or or she moves on I don't think our SO would be thrilled about us having such a great friendship. I don't know what to do about this. Do I bring it up? My gut says no..just tuck that in the back of your mind. My decision on this is pretty firm.
On the other hand I think she should know that her "fantasy" will burst. She should be fully aware that she would be risking everything.
I don't want to send her mixed message. The closest I got to it tonight was at one point I said "If we remain friends" I don't know if she picked up on it.
I'm kinda flummoxed on this.
So at this point the S is happening. For how long, I don't know. When? that too is open. My W hasn't even thought out any parameters like how much contact, how are we doing to work with the kids, are going to MC, how is that decided, etc, etc and etc. It frustrates me - and she always does this with big decions. Leaves out the details.
I don't want her to think....well I will see Harrier 6 nights a week and I"m really going to go dark except for the kids.
So after she went to bed...I broke down a little...then I got mad at her...then I got mad at myself...then I calmed down and ate some chips (this was in the span of 1/2 hour) Dang these meds put a lid on thing.
I wish I could see the positive. I'm sure it's in there. I just don't want my wife to give up and concede a tipping point.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
