I am so lost... Please someone help me! 2

[aeolianchaos]

You absolutely can NOT do this yet. You are too emotional and reactive right now to execute this properly. Once you execute this, there is NO going back from this decision. You will have to enforce this boundary.

I think this is solid advice, Johnnie. I realize that you have a lot of stuff going on in your mind right now, and I can only say, I've been there. But I think right now your best bet is to FORCE yourself to keep it to yourself and us on this board.

If I can make a suggestion - Get a pad of paper. Get a decent pen. Start writing a letter to your wife... get it all out on paper. It doesn't matter how bad it is, or how intense/dark it is. Just get it on paper.

Then shred it/burn it.

Do it again. Repeat until you're just exhausted emotionally. See if at some point, the anger starts to feel like something a little less like anger. You might even find some real 'moments of clarity' where you start to feel a little bit lighter.

You don't need to make your wife change/do anything differently. It's frustrating - I know - but its a truism that we are all only really in control of ourselves, and while we can affect other people, we should be careful how we choose to do so.

For what its worth - I get it. You are using this forum as an alternative to venting on your wife about how $h!tty her actions were. They are horrible, completely self-absorbed, unethical, non-virtuous, selfish... I could go on and on. The thing is, the hydraulic model of anger is flawed: venting often makes the issue worse/expands it in your mind. Even if you disagree, can you understand that when your W did this, she probably was in some way seeking to be happy? Misguided as it was? Can you see how in her mind, she was following a map that she believed was going to lead to personal happiness?

We all seek happiness and sometimes we end up going down a path that leads to nothing but more suffering - even if we get what we think we wanted in the short term - so maybe you can relate to that and it might help you resolve some of the anger you are feeling right now.

You don't need to forgive her right now. I think you are entitled to be angry and I think you should acknowledge that feeling. The problem is, anger can make us do stupid things. Things that really run counter to what we want. So be angry if that's where you feel like you ought to be, but if you are trying to save your M, expressing that anger is just going to dig a deeper hole.

Trying to set a boundary from that angry place is not going to work out well for you - I think that is what people are trying to tell you. They tell you because they care about you and empathize with your desire to rebuild your marriage.

The other thing is - eventually, you will find it in your best interest (just yours, not the relationship's) to forgive your wife. This might be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now. When you do it, it will be for your benefit. But there is a lot of advantage to forgiving sooner than later - again, for you. Your W isn't really important to whether or not you forgive.

And it will make it easier for you to do the hard work you are going to have to do to try to rebuild things.