I am so lost... Please someone help me! 2

[Johnnieno1]

Does anyone have any good advice for how to deal with this burning mistrust in the pit of my stomach every time my wife leaves the house?

Every time she leaves I get paranoid that she is going to see OM.

How can I deal with this?

[25yearsmlc]

Tonight (Thurs) is the first night I have had an opportunity to have dinner with my family since Sunday. I have had very limited contact with my W until now. I noticed that she could not (or would not) make eye contact with me even though we were sitting across the table from each other.

Any thoughts?

J

unless she has lost her sight, I guess she didn't want to make eye contact...

do NOT read into this. This is part of the problem you have. Spending energy on this non behavior and NON statement by your w.

Who cares why she didn't make eye contact with you IF that's even accurate. Were you staring at her the WHOLE time? Hope not...

back off...that has to become your mantra.

Johnnie, let's be blunt b/c that may be the only thing that works

You are too obsessive and it shows. You are too possessive and it shows.

You are offering her nothing but your desparate neediness. You bring nothing to the table but that need of yours.

I don't even know if it's love b/c it sounds so desparate and unhealthy I can't tell. But we know it's not attractive to her.

So Stop it.

[Johnnieno1]

Ok 25 y

I'm gonna vent now.  Your bluntness was too callous. I am in my angry stage of grief...

I'll get my anger out here instead of to my W.

In the first place, I was just asking a question.  

I was trying to understand what she is going through.  

At dinner, I am polite, not looking at her constantly.  Laughing with the kids and her.  I deserved an Academy Award.

Let's be clear here.  Yes, I am unsure of how to act around her now. SHE HAD AN AFFAIR.  SHE DESTROYED ALL MY TRUST IN HER.  I have had 4 days to try to understand why this has happened and how to deal with it.  I can't eat, I can't sleep.    She has not apologized for her actions, and she lied to me about it repeatedly until she was caught red handed.  I am DEEPLY hurt.  She is hurting too right now.  Until she makes a decision for or against the marriage by ending her affair, I will be paralyzed every time she goes out (that is normal for a betrayed spouse) and she is uncertain about what she will do now (her forbidden excitement has lost it's shine). 

 If I was obsessive, I would not be going dark, I would be in her face.  I would be talking about feelings with her, not posting them here. I concidered my wife my best friend until she betrayed me.  I have been an honest hard working loyal and loving husband and father.  Sure I have faults, who dosent, but there are other factors at play here (which I have discussed In my previous posts)  which have contributed to her dissatisfaction as well.  I am not the one who chose to leave because things were not easy.  If that was the case I wouldn't be putting myself through this hell, and believe me, it's HELL.  It would be much easier for me to throw her out of the house.  But I do love her dispute what she has done, and yeah I think I can forgive her, if she affords me an opportunity, if she could show remorse.  I deserve at least that.

I am working on forgiveness, but that is tough when she shows no remorse for her actions, never has... Never admits when she is wrong either.  Never asks for forgiveness either.  You can only be used as a doormat for so long, and then it becomes abuse.  I am doing my best to keep it together.  I am starting to think my physician and was right.  It's time to stand up for myself and set my boundaries, which she violated greviously.  Maybe I should give her my expectations if she can't be respectful to me. 

[Bworl]

It will likely be a long wait if you are expecting her to come to you with apologies and remorse for what she's done.

I'm not sure you get just exactly where you are in this relationship right now. Your wife told you that she did not love you anymore. Now she has told you that she's been having some kind of an affair (still not clear on whether that was physical or emotional, though neither is good).

The message you've been receiving from everyone here has been to back off from your wife, drastically lower your expectation bar for her, and put your focus on stabilizing yourself, since YOU are the only perons that you have any control over.


I must say that I'm not sure you are getting the message.


You're treating this as though you and your wife are currently having a difference of opinion.

I'm afraid it's a might stronger than that.


From the experiences shared by others, I understand that living with a spouse who has expressed a desire to be done with the marriage is extremely tough. You only make it harder, especially for you (but also for her) if you persist in acting as though the status is quo.


You're not going to be fixing this situation anytime soon Johnny. And that message is not delivered in an attempt to bring you down. It's just the reality.

You CANNOT fix this like you fix a leaky faucet.


It's like a knife to the gut, over and over again. Everyone on this board who had a spouse who engaged in a relationship with another person knows EXACTLY what you're going through.


You do have to get out your feelings, you do have to be able to somehow deal with your anguish.


But if you're intent upon having hope for a future with your wife, she cannot be on the receiving or viewing end of any of that.



Please listen and please take steps to begin doing what we're suggesting. End your communication and interactions with her. Learn how to prepare yourself for communication that SHE initiates. Focus your effort and time on healing yourself, making yourself better than you were, working on your house, getting to know your kids better, developing friends to be involved with.


You're trying to survive this thing Johnny, and at the same time keep alive the possibility of a future reconciliation.


No crashing and burning...


Blessings,

Bill

[Johnnieno1]

Thanks BW.

You worded that beautifully.

I am in denial in a way. I am sure it would just be easier for me if I kicked her out of the house so that the rainbow she thinks she sees would disappear. I just can't do that to her though... At least not yet. As every day passes I feel more and more certain that the inevitable end to this is divorce. If that's true, why do I allow the torture. I am going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. Just so I know what my legal rights and rsspondsabilities are.

At the advice of my physician, who deals with this a lot, he suggested I take control of the situation in order to mentally survive this. He recommended that if my wife didn't adress the affair soon, I present her with a list of choices she can make. If she can't choose, then I would make the choice for her to leave. It is an interesting excercise and it did give me a lot of comfort. His concern is that she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Living in a comfortable lifestyle, with the excitement of a romance on the side. He is right. She is just sticking in until she gets a full time job that pays a high salary so that she can start her new life. How much damage to my sanity will she inflict over that time. I am so conflicted on what to do. On one hand if she stays, there is the opportunity for the DR to work (maybe). On the other hand if I kick her out, she may find that the ideal relationship and ideal life is not at all what she thought.

I am pretty much at where I want to be with my changes... I have made drastic improvements and if I go much farther, I won't be being true to myself.

I have been doing a great job sticking to the DR techniques for the last month. Even though I reverted on Sunday with news of her affair.

I need to give it more time.

I have a job interview next week and the way I am right now, there is no way in hell I will make it through the interview. Just think how stressful job interviews normally are, then add the stress of wifes A then takeaway all of my self confidence...

It's daunting to say the least...

[FaithnAK]

At the advice of my physician, who deals with this a lot, he suggested I take control of the situation in order to mentally survive this. He recommended that if my wife didn't adress the affair soon, I present her with a list of choices she can make. If she can't choose, then I would make the choice for her to leave. It is an interesting excercise and it did give me a lot of comfort. His concern is that she is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

I agree with your physician. In DR it is an Ultimatum.

You absolutely can NOT do this yet. You are too emotional and reactive right now to execute this properly. Once you execute this, there is NO going back from this decision. You will have to enforce this boundary.

I'd rather you gain some control over your emotions before I see you attempt this. Keep venting Johnnie, I know you need to let this out and talk about it.

I can't tell you not to feel if a post was callous to you. However, the experience on this board hits people very hard and even though it really stings at the time, you will look back one day and say "They really tried to help me". It's also okay for you to express what bothered you. I commend you on standing up for yourself. The great posters on this sight all know if something isn't working, they do something different.

My advice to you, if something really made you that upset. Just look at it and dig deep as to why. "Why did that upset me so much?". Johnnie you are doing good, but until the dust settles you are acting out of fear and pain. Control that and it will get better.

[25yearsmlc]

I said what I said b/c of the numerous gentle pep talks I have given you that have NOT helped you enough to change your behaviors...

these were BEFORE and after you learned of this affair. Frankly the

affair changes nothing IN TERMS OF YOUR APPROACH. Yes I KNOW it hurts.

As for your physician, if you think of him as a DB expert, great. If not,

pick ONE approach and stick with it.

Taking polls from different sources isn't going to do much but confuse and diffuse whatever approach you take.

If it so happens that it's in line with DB great.

But as has been pointed out

you are then giving her an ultimatum and

I don't see you as being willing to follow through so then

you'll want to change your mind OR back down

and that's about the worst thing to do now, for your own sense of boundary setting, among other reasons.


And don't forget that to your w, it wasn't so much an Affair. Well...maybe

Let's just agree that SHE and YOU don't see it alike.

So to HER, what's to apologize for?

See why putting your focus on THAT, isn't helpful?

[aeolianchaos]

You absolutely can NOT do this yet. You are too emotional and reactive right now to execute this properly. Once you execute this, there is NO going back from this decision. You will have to enforce this boundary.

I think this is solid advice, Johnnie. I realize that you have a lot of stuff going on in your mind right now, and I can only say, I've been there. But I think right now your best bet is to FORCE yourself to keep it to yourself and us on this board.

If I can make a suggestion - Get a pad of paper. Get a decent pen. Start writing a letter to your wife... get it all out on paper. It doesn't matter how bad it is, or how intense/dark it is. Just get it on paper.

Then shred it/burn it.

Do it again. Repeat until you're just exhausted emotionally. See if at some point, the anger starts to feel like something a little less like anger. You might even find some real 'moments of clarity' where you start to feel a little bit lighter.

You don't need to make your wife change/do anything differently. It's frustrating - I know - but its a truism that we are all only really in control of ourselves, and while we can affect other people, we should be careful how we choose to do so.

For what its worth - I get it. You are using this forum as an alternative to venting on your wife about how $h!tty her actions were. They are horrible, completely self-absorbed, unethical, non-virtuous, selfish... I could go on and on. The thing is, the hydraulic model of anger is flawed: venting often makes the issue worse/expands it in your mind. Even if you disagree, can you understand that when your W did this, she probably was in some way seeking to be happy? Misguided as it was? Can you see how in her mind, she was following a map that she believed was going to lead to personal happiness?

We all seek happiness and sometimes we end up going down a path that leads to nothing but more suffering - even if we get what we think we wanted in the short term - so maybe you can relate to that and it might help you resolve some of the anger you are feeling right now.

You don't need to forgive her right now. I think you are entitled to be angry and I think you should acknowledge that feeling. The problem is, anger can make us do stupid things. Things that really run counter to what we want. So be angry if that's where you feel like you ought to be, but if you are trying to save your M, expressing that anger is just going to dig a deeper hole.

Trying to set a boundary from that angry place is not going to work out well for you - I think that is what people are trying to tell you. They tell you because they care about you and empathize with your desire to rebuild your marriage.

The other thing is - eventually, you will find it in your best interest (just yours, not the relationship's) to forgive your wife. This might be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now. When you do it, it will be for your benefit. But there is a lot of advantage to forgiving sooner than later - again, for you. Your W isn't really important to whether or not you forgive.

And it will make it easier for you to do the hard work you are going to have to do to try to rebuild things.

[Johnnieno1]

Boy that was timely, just had an hour chat with close friend who knows our sitch, she was a WAW. She echoed everything Michelle said about WAWs. Then I sent her the WAW article on the front page and she was floored. She left her husband for the same reasons as my wife is now, and she went with the affair partner and now wishes she stayed with her husband, instead of the affair partner. in her words I realize now theat he(lbs) was truly in love with me. My w knows this person, I wish they would connect and have a heart to heart...

Now I have my faith restored to follow the plan. It has reinvigorated me

[FaithnAK]

Trying to set a boundary from that angry place is not going to work out well for you - I think that is what people are trying to tell you. They tell you because they care about you and empathize with your desire to rebuild your marriage.

YES!!!