I've been thinking of you and just read this response. How are you doing today?
In relation to maintaining the relationship with MIL and using that as support, I do know what you mean. I guess what you've really been using her for is validation because she has said she's on you side (and she should be on your side, life is going to get harder for her to see her grandchild etc if you guys don't figure something out).
When our self confidence (and rest of our world) is shattered, we do look for people to validate our choices and views, however, MIL has probably out worn her usefulness because regardless of how much she cares about you - H is her son. She'll always have to prioritise him and his feelings ... that's just the way it is.
Now ... detaching ... Detaching is very tricky and I think the reason that its tricky is because you really have to get to the place in your head where you really don't have an investment in if he comes back or not. The way I do it is to genuinely stop myself visualising a future where I reconcile with the particular man I'm trying to detach from (I've had quite a lot of experience in this particular skill in the past 5 years!!! lol). When you think of him, and get that warm feeling in you and that hopeful feeling that goes something like "if I just don't call him, he'll figure out how much he misses me and then we'll start to rebuild" you stop yourself and remake the picture so that you see yourself as you want to be, doing things you want to do, and him calling - and you taking the call just as if it were any old friend/aquaintance calling. Take the magic out of him.
Quote:
i try, i really do try not to let it. i try all sorts of distractions, i go to the gym, i eat lunch with friends, i watch movies, play with my son, go to clubs, play tennis, go for a walk, clean my room, organise my clothes, go shopping........but he pops into my head every time. though not as often as he use to.
Great start, and 2 great clues in that sentence about how to detach more strongly.
In my very humble, but reasonably well considered , opinion, GAL is all about filling up the space in your life you devote to loving your H, because we need to focus that love on ourselves when they are out having their life crisis.
Sometimes I think of my life, and how much time I spend working on or thinking about particular parts of it, like a pie chart ... you know, the chart should have good and accurate representation of my energies spread appropriately between my spouse, children, extended family and friends, work,spirituality, recreation, passions/hobbies etc. Do you know what I mean? wish we had the technology to draw/illustrate!!)
When you GAL, you kind of redistribute the section of the pie that was devoted to your spouse, amongst all the other sections. You know?
So, when you use the word "distraction" in the same context of getting a life, I think you are half way there. In some ways GAL is about distracting yourself, or tricking your brain that if you are busy on one thing you won't have head space for the other. But the other half of getting a life is about genuine redistribution of interest and engagement in other parts of your life. Some people find themselves re-engaging in an old hobby or interest they had that somehow slipped down their priorities list, or re-joining a group they once belonged to, or joining a group or starting to do something they have always wanted to do but have never done. Itt's not about distracting yourself until he comes back - it's about remembering or learning that we become more healthy people when we have our own interests/passions/life. It's not healthy to get our life from our spouse.
The other clue is that horrible obsessive-thought feeling. He's just in your head all the time? You need to give yourself permission, or even a direction, that you will not give him the space in your head. What I do is visualise a spotlight. When he pops in to my head I literally take the spotlight off him and move it to an image of me. It doesn't take long, with consistant, disciplined effort, to change that habit of giving him head space - a couple of days.
Keep at it. Have a good day girl.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
, opinion, GAL is all about filling up the space in your life you devote to loving your H, because we need to focus that love on ourselves when they are out having their life crisis. 
