Just like so many stories I have read on here, I have a fairly sad story as well. We are both in our mid 30s and haven't been married very long.
Things have been bad for the last 6-8 months. I don't know what happened but she started distancing herself more and more. We used to spend all our non-working time together. She started going out with friends more often. I had a problem with this and felt like I was being abandoned. I voiced my concerns but the behavior didn't change. I was just supposed to be okay with it.
I started to get fed up with her spending all her "fun" time with her friends and all the "business" time with me. I wasn't invited to go out with her and her friends. I went a couple times in the beginning but after that I was cut off.
And, it just got worse from there. I feared the worst and hoped for the best. I tried talking to her about our problems and we seemed to work through things for awhile but it would always go back to being bad.
I think I got the ILYB bomb sometime in April. I asked her what does that mean for our relationship? Did she want a divorce? Would she consider counseling? She said no to a divorce and no to counseling but wanted to know if I would be willing to live somewhere else for awhile. I didn't like that idea and told her so. But, I said if it was the only thing that would give the marriage a chance, I'd do it. But I said I hoped that she would give it a few weeks and see if we could work on things.
A few weeks passed and nothing had changed. I started going to counseling on my own since she wouldn't go with me. I convinced her to go to 2 sessions. The first went pretty good but at the second one she said that she was done and didn't want to work on anything any longer. That's when plans for me to move out were firmed up.
Fast forward to today. I still haven't moved out but I have plans to do so in a week. I don't really have anywhere to go and needed to save up a bit for an apartment. She was fine with that.
We have been getting along fairly well lately. There are times when I forget that there's anything wrong with our marriage. But there are also times when it's just incredibly awkward being in the same house.
She still goes out a lot. I'm guessing just to get away from me. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to and I've been encouraging her to get out and have fun despite our problems at home. We have been getting along fairly well recently but I'm still moving out. She says she doesn't want a divorce and I've even offered her one recently. She sounded shocked and said that's not what we had agreed to do. She says that she wants to work on things and take baby steps to see what can be salvaged, if anything.
We have separated our finances and that wasn't very painful besides a couple hiccups. But finances and spending habits have been a flash point for both of us over the years. So, maybe that's for the best. Besides, if we're not living together, I think it causes so much less of a headache and heartache if we aren't worried about what the other is doing with their money.
We had a good talk about our expectations moving forward last night. It ended well and I think we were both pretty clear with telling the each other what we want and expect. I told her that if we were ever to reconcile and go back to living together, then things would have to change and that I wouldn't come back to the same unhappy marriage. She agreed. She might go to counseling on her own. That's something we discussed. If she does, that will be a big step for her.
I am convinced there isn't an OM. I had doubts for a long time but I am convinced now that there isn't. Mostly because I've given her so many outs and she won't take them. I don't think she's lying to me. Besides, I have to trust her or what's the point of wanting to get back together?
So, that's the brief version of the story with many, many details left out. It's hard to let go because she says that she wants to work on things (kind of like dating each other), but just living separately. I have a lot of doubts swimming around in my head, but I guess I have to trust her and trust the situation and see what happens. My other option is to throw up my hands and say that it's over and that I don't care any longer. But, I can't honestly say that to myself or anyone else. I still love her very much and I do hope it works out between us... we both have to be happy though. Right now, neither of us is happy.
