but you wont do the same

[AJM80]

I hope some of you are still checking in, even though I haven't posted much in a few weeks.

I'm very overwhelmed. 1st, my landlord very nicely, but firmly told me to take a few extra days to let her know about renewal when I told her I didn't think it would work. She basically said we needed to suck it up and figure out the money so I could stay close to H, otherwise the kids would lose their dad because he'd stop seeing them because he'd want to avoid the guilt and negative feelings or because he'll start a 2nd family.

Next, I'm confused about where to live in general. The house next door to my parents is for sale, overpriced/needs some work...I'm sick of living out of boxes and moving constantly. Not sure I'm ready to buy a house, though, and it's not where I want to live longterm.

Finally, H and I discussed two things last night, housing and his life. Housing caused a near fight, since I told him staying local wasn't really an option in my mind since he hadn't even asked us to stay or said he'd move closer to the kids if we did and he was very touchy about all considerations other than us going away and leaving him to his misery.

Basically, we talked about healing things he could do to get his life back on track (other than reconciling, which he has no interest in). He wants to get away from OW (and I think from me) and from the dark, negative feelings/guilt/etc. He has a lot of guilt and is still angry at me sometimes. He says I am better than him and it makes him feel bad about him self and that I dominate his personality. Plus he sees how moving away from my friends and family affected my well being so negatively and he says he feels a lot of guilt about that.

So basically, H is trying to get his inner self sorted out, which I am proud of and happy for him. However, he's decided he wants us, but doesn't deserve us? Is afraid of failing again? Is tired of coming up short in comparison (in his mind- the rest of us think he's pretty great)?

What do I do?