Val, when I was very new on this board I looked for meaning and solutions in every response and statement my S made. I see a little bit of that in your posts. I think it is fairly common. You had some contact with your W. It wasn’t all you hoped for, but you yourself said it was good, not good for the M but good. I was trying to say accept it as good and don’t expect more.
Earlier in this thread I understood you to say you were codependent and your W was abusive either of these on their own is pretty toxic to a R. They seem to go hand in hand. I apoligize for reading into your situation.
The detachment and boundaries links were important to me early on, they still are. Prior to posting them to you I reviewed the links, and found the one about codependency. These are just another source of knowledge. They may have meaning. It is your decision if they do. I only hope to help a little; I pray to do no harm, not bad for an old grunt.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS - Couldn't agree with you more about the expecting more. I'm trying not to have any expectations of her, only of myself. This is not easy, but I feel I am getting better. Having limited contact is good.
No need to apologize, the abuse and the co-dependency go hand in hand. Talked to C today, even though w doesn't abuse any more, it still feels that way to me. Alot of work I need to do there.
Detachment and Boundaries are important. I imagine as I get stronger, I can detach more and set up clearer boundaries. Because I am a perfectionist, I tend to pressure myself.. wanting to set boundaries I can't keep at the moment. I realize I am getting stronger, but am not quite there yet. I need to slow down and appreciate all the baby steps I am taking towards both. It's not a race, it's a process.
Loved the links, thank you so much for thoughts!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Feel like journaling but not really sure about what. Starting to get nervous about therapy appointment on Saturday. Not so much about her and what she will say, but me.
Just been an emotional few days. I got myself back on the rollercoaster when I helped w with her car. I knew I was going to and I am glad I was there for her and could help her, but I'm still feeling a little "woozy". Therapy was hard as well. I am a woman that needs to have goals, be pushed, but I think c pushed a little too hard. I know she meant well and if I am being defensive, she is probably right in alot of ways. But it made me really uncomfortable. I plan on bringing it up next session. Not in a rude way.. caz I really value what she brings to my life right now, but it will be a small step to expressing my feelings.
Finally things are starting to calm down and I'm about to jump on another roller coaster this Saturday. I think whatever happens it will be good for w to talk about r. I plan on listening and validating. I'm not sure if I will talk about r. I pray to God all the time that if I am supposed to talk about something, let a door open.
Patience has probably been the hardest lesson thus far to learn. Patience in the fact I can't change over night. Learning to accept that there are things I'm not ready to say or do.. no matter how bad I want it.
This week kinda reminds me of my trip to 6 flags a few wks back. There were no lines and so I road 5 coasters in like 1 hr. I started feeling sick.. and although they were good experiences, I had to stop myself because I knew I would just keep getting sick. Instead I waited and my stomach settled a bit. It allowed me to enjoy the rest of the day.
Maybe next time I will spend a little bit more time getting better before I jump on the w roller coaster again.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I've read somewhere that if something someone says stings us, it means we ought to look at it...
something in there may be valid. Look for an insight to gain in there. Your c is probably who you need.
I would prefer a c who pushes me a tad too much, than not enough.
Life is short. Why waste time staying stuck?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Long one So I met with w yesterday. She wants a D. I really listened to her. She doesn't feel like she had a "self" in M. She never had a self before us. She doesn't think it's possible for us to change our dynamic but she doesn't want to work on it. She doesn't want to try to have me in her as a w or friend. The task is too daunting, too much work and she doesn't want to try. She admitted she was never emotional available to me. She wants to be those things, but in new relationships now, with new people. I said that I didn't care about the d but at least would like to have a healthy emotional connection, she said she didn't want that.
She said that if she wasn't the strong one and played those roles, than I would see her as weak, If she was weak, I wouldn't need her anymore.
At that point, I cried. Said I never wanted me to be needy.. that I wanted us to be therefore each other but I felt she just couldn't let me in.. so i did what she could do, be there for each other. But she has all these feelings when it comes to letting me in, allowing me to be there for her, and that is just too much work all the time. She made it seem like if she started with someone else, she wouldn't have those same problems.
It was very hard to hear.. but I listened and validated. Said I understood that it seems daunting.. caz it does to me too. She says that she is always pleasantly surprised by our interactions because she expects me to be angry at her (which anger is something I have) even though I've never anger to her.. she knows how I have been with other people. She expects it to be her turn. She also is surprised because she thinks I'm gonna be a mess.. that I can't live without her. When she sees me, she sees that I am well.
She mentioned that the last time we saw each other, she was kinda a wreck the next day. Feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy. She said it seems like I am doing so well now without her. My job is getting good, I have loving friends, I went to church. I can't tell if she wanted me to have all those things in our m, or if she is mad I have them and she doesn't right now.
Also mentioned that she was proud and jealous of my screening the other night.
M: Well I don't know what difference it would make if I said I wanted you to be there.
W: It wouldn't its over anyway (meaning that special moment, not M)
M: Yeah well it seems if we would talk to each other a little more instead of assuming, we could have good times together.
W: She said yeah but I don't know what emotions are going to come up from hanging out with you, therefore it's easier to not deal with it. We can never just hang out, there is all the under current of emotions.
So I think My GALing is getting to her. I can't do anything about it because I GAL for me.
M: So I will forward you the rockclimbing ticket W: You don't want to go? M: I don't know if you are asking if I want to go in general or with you? W: With me (this conversation happened after she told me she wants me out of her life) M: I said I did, but I'm respecting your wishes. If you want to rock climb, let me know.
I told her that I am not opposed to give her the D, but I need to move at my own pace. She tried to respect it, but she kept pushing. I stood my ground.. not in a rude way.
M: You've been in program for 11 months, I've realized I'm CoDe for 2 mo. I can't move that fast.. I'm sorry.
W: Well I think we are going to have to meet in the middle. I'm going to need to learn to be patient and not controlling, and you are going to have to push yourself.
Got a text this morning.
w: Thanks for meeting with me yesterday and being willing to listen openly and without judgement. I know this is hard but I appreciate your continued commitment to approaching this with love and honesty. M: Sure. I'm glad you feel that way. M: By sure. I mean ur welcome. W: I figured.
And that's about it. I think I did rather well. The text was validating because it's something that I am constantly working on in my life. The anger the needy part of me, I'm working on too.
I feel I am slowly becoming the best val I can be. I don't know how she feels about it truly. One minute she is jealous, the next she is thanking me.. but I know I don't want to stop. If she can't handle the new me.. that's not my fault.
So that's the story. Looking forward to thoughts before I start talking about my gameplan.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"At that point, I cried. Said I never wanted me to be needy.. that I wanted us to be there for each other but I felt she just couldn't let me in.. so i did what I could, let her always be the strong one."
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Went as well as a supposed "break up finale" could.
Keep up the great work!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So I fB'ed about being locked in my apartment. My key snapped off in it. Here is the conversation.
W: you're locked inside your apartment? M: kinda.. I can't leave it but not physically locked in.. no W:you just won't be able to get back in? M: yeah W:got it. yikes! M: yeah. I'm going to work tomorrow assuming they will change my locks and stuff W: wow.. well hopefully it gets fixed faster than your drawer M: LOL me too W:
Can I just say WTF! It confuses the He!! out of me that just yesterday she said she didn't want me in her life followed by rockclimbing conversation, morning text, and now this. I'm trying to not look into anything, but man... what is going on?!?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
she's confused....read nothing into it but be pleasant.
We sometimes call these "touch & go's"...like they're dropping into check, and then flying off again...
keep the seatbelt on b/c it gets to be wacky rocky ride...
at least she's pleasant. Build on the small moments so she's not afraid of them (which you'll make her feel if you do read too much into them)
And gradually as she feels her comfort zone improve and sees you are not a neurotic needy gay woman
but simply a gay woman, then maybe she won't feel all the other confusion she seems to be feeling. Some of that SOUNDS to me re: her sexual orientation and doubts about it or shame.
That's not about YOU...so let it go. You just want her to feel more and more at ease with your company, you know?
And If she's correct and she's actually straight,
better to learn now than after you bring a child into the world.
Keep on keeping on.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
