you are not listening to the words on these threads...
If you have something to apologize for, DO IT...
why on earth would YOU wait for her to make the first move? ...you might be waiting a long time.... (Why DB at all if she isn't first?) .Your friend is a scorekeeper, but that doesn't work in love or marriage...
If you hit her in the face for the affair, you think you don't need to apologize b/c she didn't apologize for the affair first?
Maybe she thinks you pushed her into the arms of OM &
that hurt her feelings
so YOU should apologize to her for THAT!...FIRST!!
Then you'll want her to apologize to YOU
for "making you" work so hard that you ignored her & were irritable
or whatever you blame her for and whichever came first
and who is "ahead" on the scorekeeping...[b]see how this goes round & round? [/b]
Enough. Stop waiting for her to do/feel/say something to show you the way.
Make a choice of your own, regardless of what SHE says or does...forever!
your paralysis by analysis is UNappealing and UNhelpful. You have to read these posts and take them to heart and WORK THEM and
THINK out the activities. If you are feeling lonely (which is NOT the same as missing HER)
you go see a comedy or action flick.
Why would you and a buddy see a romantic chick flick?
(IF you go to Vegas, don't hang out at the chapels, go to the shows or the slots.)
You can do better than this Johnnie. Really you can. You deserve to do better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm going to tell you from my first hand experience. I apologized to my W against every piece of advice that was given to me. I had too, it was part of MY healing. However, I did NOT apologize for feeling the way I felt when I found out. The things you say on that day, no man or woman should ever judge you for doing the same thing...EVER! It's a lot of pain and shock. Heat of the moment. Think about how many people over react and shoot the ones they love when they hear this first fact. Your anger that day, could have been worse, but it wasn't. That day is over friend. It's over.
Now, you face pain and fear. The only apology you owe your W is to change and be a better man than you EVER were. Be accountable for your part in the marriage, be a better man, be a pillar of strength, and a MAN who knows what he wants. Your apology needs to be spoken in action. Anything you feel regret over, needs to be addressed and bettered. Words will NOT MEAN $h!T to your W. Not yet.
Actions only. Picture your W dead, gone, and nothing but a memory Johnnie.
With that visual...what would Johnnie do to make himself happy? What would Johnnie do with his kids as life goes on? Harsh visual, but remove her from the sitch and you will have an answer on what Johnnie does to GAL. Free do over. What would Johnnie do differently?
Wife... First, I want to apologize for how I handled myself on Sunday. Truth is, I was shocked at the truth of the situation when it was revealed and my suspicion turned into fact. I spoke and acted out of pure feeling in the moment. Upon reflection, I realize how my words and actions when I am in crisis have hurt you now, and in the past,and for that I am truly sorry. I used some harsh words that were strong, judgmental and reactionary. Clearly if I had used some time to process my thoughts and feelings first, like I have done now, I would have handled things much differently. I realize now how acting in the moment, instead of stepping back and thinking first, and then responding has lead to poor decisions on my part. I am not apologizing for having the feelings that I feel though, they are genuine. I guess what I have learned is that, I have to speak and act from my brain and not from my heart. So, from here on in forward, I will do my best to step back process my thoughts and feelings and respond after considering things more carefully.
Will you accept my apology?
Any suggestions?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I realize that the control I have been exercising at home is a direct result of the control I must exhibit at work. I am beginning to see how I have attempted. To control or influence things to my will in my marriage out of pure selfishness. I am beginning to see how my actions in the past have built walls between my W and myself. It's only by living my discoveries and changing my actions that I will be able to install a window in the walls.
This process of self discovery is the most important step I have made in building a better me, and is an ever evolving journey.
I just hope that my awakening is not too late for my marriage.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Why have I let myself not be true to myself? I know who I want to be, an nurturing loving patient father... A caring loving and supportive husband... I have demonstrated Some of these qualities, but not on a cosistant basis... Consistency is the key... Now.
CONSTANCY
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Wife... First, I want to I apologize for how I handled myself on Sunday. Truth is, I was shocked at the truth of the situation when it was revealed and my suspicion turned into fact. I spoke and acted out of pure feeling in the moment. Upon reflection, I realize how my words and actions when I am in crisis have hurt you now, and in the past, and for that I am truly sorry. I used some harsh words that were strong, judgmental and reactionary.
Clearly if I had used some time to process my thoughts and feelings first, like I have done now, I would have handled things much differently. I realize now how acting in the moment, instead of stepping back and thinking first, and then responding has lead to poor decisions on my part. I am not apologizing for having the feelings that I feel though, they are genuine. [b]I am processing them and in time, will move past this.[/b] Just thought you should know.
I guess what I have learned is that, I have to speak and act from my brain and not from my heart. So, from here on in forward, I will do my best to step back process my thoughts and feelings and respond after considering things more carefully. [s]
Will you accept my apology? [/s] Any suggestions?
You just give the apology and ask/expect nothing in return. What she says that minute is meaningless anyhow.
Don't ask her to accept it. Just give it to her.
Don't make promises about what you'll do differently in the future. Just do them. Don't repeat yourself so much, a lot of the lines with the strike thru were redundant.
Brevity in words is powerful.
Verbosity diffuses the meaning with over volume. It really is quality over quantity (So unless you can bill by the word, be short).
That's my suggestion.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
APOLOGY...FIRST DRAFT Changes in red Also I will hand write the note.
Wife... First, I want to apologize for how I handled myself on Sunday. Truth is, I was shocked at the truth of the situation when it was revealed and my suspicion turned into fact. I spoke and acted out of pure feeling in the moment. Upon reflection, I realize how my words and actions when I am in crisis have hurt you now, and in the past,and for that I am truly sorry. I truly regret that my words and actions pushed you away. I used some harsh words that were strong, judgmental and reactionary. Clearly if I had used some time to process my thoughts and feelings first, like I have done now, I would have handled things much differently. I realize now how acting in the moment, instead of stepping back and thinking first, and then responding has lead to poor decisions on my part. I am not apologizing for having the feelings that I feel though, they are genuine. I guess what I have learned is that, I have to speak and act from my brain and not from my heart. So, from here on forward, I will do my best to step back, process my thoughts and feelings and respond after considering things much more carefully.
Will you please accept my apology?
Any suggestions?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, 25 has some great advice regarding your apology letter. She is spot on that it needs to be *much* shorter, yet you've lengthened it?! I'm a little confused at what you mean to accomplish with this.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Did you read 25's post right above your letter? Listen to what she is trying to help with your letter. Your personality wants to say too much. I think folks here are saying to not go into details about how you felt. Maybe I'm wrong, but if you make a written apology about your reaction to her A, keep it short and don't bring in how you felt b/c that will only anger her and will look like you are pursuing. Look at 25's edited suggestions.
And, Johnnie, give yourself a little test this time. See if you can wait a while before sending the letter (apology). It's a boot-camp DR training step... JK
(hug)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
JK