Can I "fake" GAL?

[Very Confused]

Wow, such great feedback! Thank you so much. It's funny, I get these blinders on sometimes that I literally lose myself in this separation. I've lost sight of all the things I have wanted and enjoyed doing. I love working out, reading, running, sitting out by the pool. I have belly dance DVDs that I bought a long time ago and never opened!

I bought a guitar today. I've wanted one forever and now that I have all this free time, I have no excuse not to learn. Plus no one is home to hear how bad I play! One of my 180s was to start dressing up in dresses whenever I see my H. He always mentioned how much he loved them, but I was never comfortable enough to wear them. He came over tonight to pick me up and I was dressed up. Well, one thing led to another and you know the rest. We did have a discussion related to STDs and protection and he said he would never ML to me if he had been with someone else. We are both in the healthcare field, so we are pretty neurotic about that issue. I never felt that he left me to be with someone else. I'll never know this for certain, but I honestly don't feel that this is the case.

While at dinner he mentioned that if I had been so open and sexual during the marriage, we probably wouldn't be separated right now. Hearing that was like someone punched me in the stomach, mainly because he was 100% right. I gained a ton of weight in school (70lbs) and felt disgusting. Sex was a huge problem for me because I was so self conscious. I have lost 75lbs since last summer and it makes a huge difference in how comfortable I feel with him. We've almost ML more times this past month than we had all of 2010. So to say intimacy was an issue for us would be an understatement.

He also mentioned getting a better job because buying a house "by himself" is his #1 goal at the moment..either in our current city or his home town 5 hours away. Another punch in my gut, I thought I was going to throw up! I have a plan for myself once my lease is up. It's not what I WANT, because I ultimately want my marriage back..but if he moves away, that's it I guess. One of my goals is to be included in his future plans. I just feel like the clock is ticking.

In the meantime, I am going to DB my butt off! I tend to toe the line with R talks, not so much a full blown discussions but more like sprinkling in a sentence here and there with validation. I monitor what I say and he seems to accept what I am saying without freaking out. He wants to feel wanted, needed, and desired, so that is what I am trying to do with words of affirmation. Like I told him, I though all those things while he was living here, I just never said them for whatever reason. He said that hearing this makes him feel wanted by me, but he is also worried that I'm only saying nice things so he will come back. I guess this is a common problem with the WAS.

I guess I'll get busy GAL..for myself. Thanks again to everyone for leading me in the right direction.