WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Well - today was a bit of a up and down one.

Lots of good stuff to start, woke up better and got down to business in terms of getting out of bed and doing something with myself.

Cleaned up the kitchen - one thing I think that never really registered with me is how much my W must have been doing to keep this place clean. It seems like it gets dirty no matter how often I clean up. I'm not saying I was oblivious about this stuff - I wasn't, for the past 2 years there have been many 3-4 week periods where she would be away and I know how to take care of myself - but I think I appreciate how much she did a lot more at this juncture. This is also the biggest place out of the last 7 we've lived in..

Got out and about, took care of some basic stuff but it felt good to get it done and check it off the list. Did some of this, some of that, and decided to catch a movie this evening.

This seems to be where things took a bit of a downhill - for some reason I started thinking about 'what if W and OM were at the same movie?' which is kind of unlikely as he lives a few states away. I told myself even if it happened, I would stay collected and its not in my control. Fine - no biggie, a little swell and then back to homeostasis. But between the previews and the movie itself (Hangover 2) it was just too much wedding/love/marriage stuff, regardless of the context it was placed in. Too much stimulation of that part of my mind and it put my thoughts on that track of nostalgic/sentimental thinking. So, kind of mucked in that at the moment.

Feeling just really irritated with the totality of this situation right now - probably totally normal - but I just would have preferred to enjoy the movie and not gotten sucked into the 'what ifs' and 'shoulds' and 'she did x, y, z to me and then walked out on our anniversary..' etc. I find that it takes my motivations, which I am working hard to keep clear, and turns them hostile and resentful. I really don't want to stay in that place - I know there is nothing for me there at this point.

I have so many thoughts where the answer doesn't matter, but they keep coming up. A lot of them have to do with the extent to which she fooled me - I definitely feel like I got played and thats still a tough pill for me to swallow.

There is a part of me that wonders what her computations have been - I don't know what is rewriting history for her, and what is honestly what she was thinking/experiencing at the time. Did she really marry me because she didn't think she would find someone better?

She talks about wanting to change me, and I don't know what that means. The past year or so? Since we met? I will admit that there were times where I figured she would 'grow out of' certain behaviors, but I didn't try to change her.

Saying, "I like you, but I don't love you" - is this just typical WAW parsing or did she really just not love me? Its a heckuva thing to consider, that I spend almost 1/3rd of my life w/ someone and they 'discover' that 'oh I guess I don't really love him..' while they conveniently are falling for another man.

It makes me look back on the good memories and wonder, were they real? Can I look back fondly on things and see them for being genuine, or was it just all an act she felt like she had to perform?

So many questions, all of which really don't need answers for right now...