What your W is or is not capable of is unknown. I understand that we tend to make assumptions, "guess" as best we can given the information. But the truth is, it is unknown.
I think the better question to ask is, "what are you capable of?"
I think we all know the answer, a hell of a lot!!!
But of course, there are limits. I understand.
Quote:
I have to figure out what to do.
You have to take this a day, an hour, a minute, a moment at a time right now.
You do NOT need to make a decision about the rest of your life right now.
After what you have been through, not the best time.
Focus on the moment at hand.
You will know the answer when it comes. It is not something you need to agonize over.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
If no one has said it before. You are a good man. 9.
Couldn't agree more.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Men 9 you have been getting some pretty solid advice but the drama continues.
I can't even begin to imagine the confusion, pain, and agony that is going on in your family right now from all angles.
Listen buddy I think you need to put reconciliation OUT of your mind right now. Your W of almost 20yrs is having a hard time add in the mental state and you have your hands full.
Be a friend, JUST a friend to this woman because right now that is what she needs.
I did a little reading on bipolar disorder and it is a challenge to say the least.
The one common theme I keep seeing 9 is take your time and take it one day at a time.
She is the mother of your children and you have shared a long history with her, for that reason and that reason ONLY you need to be a friend.
Kind, Compassion, and understanding is all you need to show.
After so many months of wishing, wanting, and waiting I imagine you want to let your mind race and immediately start to look for ways to fix the situation.
Don't.
Just slow it down for everyone including yourself.
You also deserve to be happy so please don't make any decisions for the time being.
Slow and steady wins the race my friend.
We sit here and read your words but if we close our eyes for a second and imagine what is going on in your life it becomes very real, specially for those of us that have come to know and admire 9.
I echo the comment Harrier made..........You are a good man
You will make the right choices, when the time comes.
Hey 9 - I'm on hiatus from the board for a bit. I just caught up on your thread though. WOW!
You are getting tremendous advice IMO.
Good luck man!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Also, I know I have to let OW go, but it is difficult. I dont think my wife can love me. I just dont think she is capable of it. I think my life is going to be a series of psychological episodes. I do love her, I have to figure out what to do.
Ahhhh...THERE is the rub.
I am NOT making fun of you 9. But now you have a chance for empathy. minus this part: I think my life is going to be a series of psychological episodes.
How close to this thought did our WAS's come?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
9, i cant comment on the medical aspect. i just wish you the best of patience.
OW must be talked to. be kind, explain and ask her to understand. who knows what the future may bring. although having someone to confide in while going through this may be good for you.
your kids will need to be talked to also, they'll be exited W is coming home (?) but need to understand this is the beginning of a long, hard process. The outcome is still very unknown.
you'll have to detach yourself like you've never done before. the less emotion you have, the better chance for everyone.
my xBIL was diagnosed as bi-polar. and it was not pretty. and while his current medication is working, it took a long time for them to get it right.
learn about bi-polar, go with W to doctors and talk to them, etc.
but most of all detach and go slow.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I agree with most of what you're hearing, especially the part about keeping your family safe, especially those kids! Do everything you can to learn about bi-polar and be compassionate and a friend to your W right now. The advice is spot on, now is NOT the time to even be thinking about reconciliation.
The way I see it, this shouldn't be an either/or decision 9. It's not W or OW. When the time is right (and ftr that time is NOT now) and you are in a place to be making such choices, the choice should be W or not W. Period.
Hard to make that call with distractions, kwim?
If you chose W then you are either standing or piecing, depending on where she's at ... if not, well then you have a clear way to move on. (BTW, when people here talk about moving forward, they do not necessarily mean move on to someone else.)
Good luck to you my fellow Canuck, you've got a wild ride ahead of you yet ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It's an illness just like cancer and if your W had cancer would you abandon her?
Of course not.
BUT
If your W had cancer and she was beating you up because she was mad about it?
Listen, I know what you are dealing with.
And the guilt you may feel for wanting to run.
OW is a footwarmer. A comfort. Nothing more right now.
I hate to tell you this but you are in no place to make a choice about life partners right now.
Whether your W or OW.
You have likely have fallen into the codependent partner with your W.
You like to help. you would like to fix/rescue. Selfless.
It is easier to be the martyr than to face the cold reality.
YOUR W IS ILL.
It is time to figure out how you are going to live your life with it. The mother of your children WILL be in your life.
The first thing and it has already been said:
YOU CAN"T FIX THIS.
She has to and she likely feels shame, guilt, unworthiness, self loathing which is why she found a piece of sh!t who wouldn't possibly judge her for her condition.
She knew/knows something is wrong but like most people she didn't want to know.
Your goal now?
Man you have to look at the whole of this. I mean really let it sink in.
This is a person that is going to need your compassion.
NOT self sacrifice. They are not the same 9.
You have to move outside the crazy circle. Measure and control your reactions to her mayhem.
You have to be the rock for your family and that means not getting emotionally caught up in your nostalgic feelings for your W.
She will not be that person for a while or may never be.
It is a treatable condition.
That is up to her though.
What is up to you? What do see as your role in this?
What can you do?
What are you willing to do?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
just checking in to say hello and that we're thinking of you. Also, I did some reading on the new meds out for bi-polar, if that's all she has. I mean
often there are dual diagnosis and or a mix with alcohol, nicotine (did you know nicotine actually DOES reduce the amount of "overload stimuli" for many people, particularly the mentally ill. They smoke A LOT. (It helps there symptoms but now there are ways to get the nicotine without cancer...I digress)
Anyhow, several medications have been developed in just the past 5 years that my mil never got around to trying. Some of the meds were developed for other mental illnesses but are now prescribed more often for bi-polar, as an "off label use" (Doesn't mean it's "illegal", just not as formally studied).
I want to tell you the names but I'm not sure it's cool with the moderators. Anyhow, ask around where you live. Some of these are pricey and new so if you can't get them there, (that will stink) maybe you can down here.
My mil self medicated with alcohol and a heavy smoking habit (and died a gruesome death from lung cancer).
I couldn't help but notice your w smokes and drinks and from the sounds of it, kind of a lot. Sounds like self medicating to me...and hey, I'm a "doctor"....(that's my intro into the "But I'm doctor of law!" joke)
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about your sitch and didn't want you to think it's hopeless. Neuroscience is growing faster than any other area of medicine. My British bil had a brain tumor diagnosed at the age of 32. Where he lived in England they told him to return in 7 months for an MRI to "check its' growth" (meaning they'd treat his symptoms...-yeah don't get me started on what I thought of that)
Instead, he married my sister and got on her ins plan. They went to Johns Hopkins and 2 other hospitals for opinions. At Hopkins, in the first month he got brain surgery and then had radiation and then chemo...he lived, pretty 11 years. 10 of those years he held a full time job and another 6 months a part time one. Not bad for a guy originally given 1-2 years to live. Just in the time he had his tumor, the treatment changed!
I mean it when I say neuroscience is rapidly evolving...there IS hope.
((( )))
PS
if it matters, my sister said they paid about $2500 in total, out of pocket, over the 11 years...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
hey guys, thanks for the great posts; I AM EXHAUSTED. went to other town yesterday to get tire changed on bike, They gave me crap for having no tread in middle tire. Said i was riding dangerously. i said thats nothing compared to the life ive been leadin.
drove to catch ferry on bike.
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
