Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[ninelives]

Thanks again everybody. The overwhelming theme seems to be that I am not out of the woods yet by a long shot to quote 25. ( Which I often do) BTW 25, hope you are well. I understand there was surgery.

I am so torn on what to do. I really like the OW but I do love my wife and I do understand that I can have a life with someone else and possibly a great life. I just never imagined it without my wife. I am sorry that I think this post will be jumbled.

IN a perfect world, I want to believe that she learned her lesson, was terrorized by this dungheap and simply made bad choices that she couldnt get out of. If this forum has taught me nothing, its to understand the frailty of this bag of chemicals known as humans and to forgive. I could NEVER have forgiven or even thought of it before I found this.

TIME again must be what stirs the drink here. I have to be patient and as many of you have said. BE THERE for her and help her get through this trauma for now. Help her feel safe and then see where it goes from there.

I think that is all I can do. WE are going to the city to watch a movie and have dinner as a family. Just for normalcy.

Beyond that, I guess I will have to look for signs in her how she is feeling and encourage her to get help and be healthy.

Thanks again for all the replies, they are excellent as always and I read each and every one very carefully.

Good thing Im ninelives cause a couple of them are on shaky ground right now.

Good one nine, very funny.

9

[Harrier]

[[b]life without her might NOT be all bad at all....

i'm ready for some more thoughts.

I agree with 25 quite a bit, but I would also add that your life will never be without her. She is the mother of your children and you will have to have some kind of relationship.

So regardless of the outcome it still is in you and your kids best interest to get her the help she needs. (you know this)

Also, a word of caution. I was looking at your situation and it seems about this same time last year your W also had a change of heart and wanted to come home. Obviously, not to the same extreme.

you said at the time:

"Bottom line for me is that I know that my w was and still is not well. She needs to continue to work on herself and to get meds.

I would revisit that and figure how how to handle it differently as part of the process. What can be different this time?

[FaithnAK]

Before you worry to much about the forgiving part and who you want to be with. How about you focus on the fact that your W is mentally sick. The mother of your children is sick. I'm not saying be her rescuer at all, but I think strength and mercy needs to be shown here. Again I suggest you start researching this disorder quickly.

All of her actions could be because of a severe manic episodes. Outside of her control and definitely yours. This marriage will not be salvagable unless she gets help first.

You do have some tough choices 9, but I think your children and W deserve your attention for right now. Outside of this, the OW is a distraction to you. How can you even begin to worry about a relationship with someone else with all the emotions YOU are going through right now?

Brace yourself, because the little bit I've read on bipolar it could turn into a 180 degree wild ride again.

Keep focused on your family and let the dust settle a bit. Hang in there bud.

[cat04]

Nine,

Wow bipolar...

Faith isn't kidding when he says it can be a really wild ride.

My stepmother and MIL are both bipolar. Untreated. Craziness.

I have a client who is Bipolar as well. Medicated. Still a daily struggle.

Learn about the illness, not just for your W but for your children. Heredity can be a factor.

I would also suggest that you do need to focus on her getting help for it right now, and less on where your M is heading.

I am going to directly suggest that the OW needs to go if you are even in the mindset of considering reconciliation.

For both of your sakes. You won't be able to make a clear decision about your marriage with her in the picture and the longer you keep seeing her, the more attached you may get, which ends up causing more hurt.

If you don't reconcile or choose not to, if OW is the one, she will still be around...

[25yearsmlc]

So it sounds like your plan is to

1) stabilize your w's medical condition, and

2) put the OW on the back burner for now (possibly re-evaluate later)

3) protect the children from OM, and your w's changing condition.

That's a lot for now. Don't minimize the diagnosis your w has.

My mil was bipolar with some psychotic breaks in her past, and 2 episodes that happened in our m...

When h was in high school, his parents divorced and his father went overseas.
The divorce probably triggered an episode in mil, which was diagnosed after the fact.

When h went off to college, h's mother told his little brother (age 17) that h was satan and

when h came home for a weekend to check on them, MIL tried to kill h.

MIL was temporarily committed as an in patient for 6 weeks. This was a HUGE event for h. I did Not know h at the time.


She recovered w/medication and 1-2 brief in patient sessions...she was very saddened when she realized what she had done to h.

During our m, her 2 big episodes were delusional and more suicidal; but

I always had fears in the back of my mind that she might lash out at or neglect our children. Or involve them in something dangerous. I'd feel the same with any suicidal person who had experienced delusions and paranoia before.

Years passed. She seemed better. So we let her babysit our son once...Based on that evening's events, h and I agreed
she would not watch our kids again. She never asked to either.

While out of balance, mil was capable of being very dangerous...while imbalanced, she was capable of being very reckless and hurtful...

but while well, she was a gentle kind soul who had an illness AND

many old, deep wounds from a disturbing childhood, and no resources or tools for coping with them.


When the brain's chemicals are out of whack, bad things can happen. Things that would not happen if the patient were well.

While you cannot blame the diabetic for what she does when her insulin is too low,

you can hold her responsible for checking her sugar levels and taking her medication. And if she can't/won't, OR

if you don't know what her "stability factor" is...then

you cannot have her alone with the kids...and

You need to learn which medications work well, the correct levels, their effects, interactions,

and this is NOT an exact science by any means. And this isn't a fast process.

How does SHE feel about her diagnosis? How certain are you of the diagnosis?

My mil had great shame about hers. So We rarely talked about it. (I think once, maybe twice, in 30 years). That inability to discuss it makes treatment much much harder.

Van Gogh was bipolar. Catherine Zeta Jones says she's bipolar. It's not as if there aren't any artsy geniuses walking around with it. But there are also a lot of criminals with violent behaviors who suffer from it.

And lots of messy lives of people who don't get treated...

MIL would apologize for actions she'd taken afterwards but
she never did ANY therapy for it, just medication. The meds certainly helped
but there was never any insight gained.

I was often nervous about her behaviors first, b/c I detected a "fall" sooner than h or his brother. That is b/c they were men in denial and thought if they were loving enough ("good enough boys) that she'd be okay. There was friction about this at times.

9, I see a rough road ahead for you. From where I sit, you don't seem prepared for it. Sorry...


I feel as if you were seeing this past week or so, as mostly a good thing. Like "Oh good, she left OM! She sees what a loser he is...but too bad about the violence"...

whereas

I see a wacky wife w/an illness that is potentially life threatening to herself OR OTHERS...

In many ways this diagnosis is among the saddest ones to me....it's socially awkward for the patient, and their family. It's poorly understood by the public.

It's An illness like "mood swings TIMES 1000" and it's hard to treat and

she lacks the insight to KNOW this, so she ACTS ON these swings...

and damage gets done to herself and others.

A phase of her latest swing seems to have ended, albeit dangerously and with great drama.

I don't see much else for you to be acting on.

I mean, what do YOU think is happening

in your m?

I see you helping the mother of your children to get her balance back. And protecting your children...and healing yourself.
Am I missing something?

Isn't that enough for now?

[ninelives]

Fantastic posts harrier, cat, Faith. Very grounded. 25, more insight from a personal source. Amazing site here.

Yes, all that makes sense 25, I think you nailed it on the head that I am NOT prepared for all this as much as I like to think I am. Lets add one more thing to the smorgessborg of WTF?

I have to leave tomorrow to go down South and help with my parents who are both not doing well and my poor brother is left holding the bag. I cant believe how bad it has gotten for my parents. Its a long story and trust me when I say, I would not leave If I didnt have to.

Wife is taking kids camping with her friend. Again, I am torn with what I should do about that. She wants to get out of town as she is so paranoid and she did have this planned.

Today BTW was not a good day for the family. We were supposed to go to the city to watch Green Lantern but she was so paranoid and close to having panic attacks.

She was waiting outside when I arrived with kids and wanted to get going right away. She didnt want me in her driveway long.

OM was released from jail today and has conditions on his release.

The car ride with her was very tense. Despite a very good day yesterday where we had open, easy dialogue that was kept light.
We laughed at times yesterday, talked about alot of things including R talk but light.

There was awkward silence and mostly listening to the radio. When we got to the first town to grab some burgers, at Wendy's, she went into a small panic attack.

W: Dont park out front , Im not going in. I cant

M: We are in next small town over, dont worry

W: I cant go in, please dont make me.

M: Ok, kids go in and grab some lunch,

I stayed with W in car, I went to little store to find cigarettes for her, she was outside of car and smoking.

W: I cant go to city to watch movie

M: REally?, We will go there and sit in a dark theatre, No one will see us.

W: I dont think I can do it.

M: Thats okay, Ill tell the boys that I need to do something

W: IM sorry, I know the boys are looking forward to this.

M: ok, as long as you are sure.

We start driving and she says she can make it. So I go to gas station to get her cigarettes and when i get back in car .

W: Sorry , I cant make it, lets go home.

M: Ok, sorry guys. We will see it next time.

WE drive home and the drive home is a little more pleasant. Some banter between the four of us. A few laughs, seems like old times.

When we get to our hometown, she starts to panic again.

W: Why are you driving so slow,?

M: There is a car a head of me in town, cant pass.

W: Go this way to my house.

Then as I am about to turn into her driveway.

W: No keep going straight, dont go in.

W: Turn left, and left again and again

So we do a loop around her block and now for some reason its ok to pull in .

W: Okay, let me out and please go as fast as you can.

At that moment, unmarked police cruiser pulls out in front of her house.

W: NOw what. I dont want my kids to hear any of this.

I know the cop, he gets out and starts talking to my wife, she wants me to keep going so the kids dont hear any of this.

I go and cop comes to me, calls me by name. I say , "cop" call me at home, i gotta go.

He calls me at home and he tells me conditions of OM's release.

I listen. Wife is staying with her sister tonight and BIL and is complaining that she cant cry or be upset because her sister gets upset. I told her she should have stayed here and she says she wished she did.

I would have slept on the couch.

Anyway, I talk to wife and tell her that I am going down south to help out with my parents and see my uncle who is dying.

(Man could a soap opera guy write this stuff any more dramatic)

I will be leaving tomorrow morning but dont feel good about it.

Also, I know I have to let OW go, but it is difficult. I dont think my wife can love me. I just dont think she is capable of it. I think my life is going to be a series of psychological episodes. I do love her, I have to figure out what to do.

For now, i have to focus on my parents and my kids and hope my wife gets the help she requires.

9

[Harrier]

If no one has said it before. You are a good man. 9.

[JustStunned]

Nine, I just caught up, late as usual. I have nothing new to add, but will echo some of what has already been posted.

MIL, her sister, one SIL are diagnosed bi-polar. Each seems to have varying degrees of control.

SIL is the most under control, but has stated it is sometimes a struggle to stay on her meds. Her children have grown up fast and push the “mom take your meds” when she is reluctant to. There have been incidents, the most serious lead to child service involvement with the person who was my W and I stepping in providing stability for our niece and nephew.

MIL’s sister is most out of control. Her family is pretty dysfunctional and estranged.

MIL? She has done some things the family will not speak about. She has OCD again diagnosed and IMO is a hoarder. That she contributed to my sitch is not in question. STBXW refuses to have more than the most guarded conversations with her and has for the last thirty years. One of our common discussions, debates, arguments had the common theme of “Please resolve this sh!t between your mom and you”

My points to you are no different than some I have read today.

Slow down, reconnoiter the terrain ahead. It is a tough, thorny, bramble strewn path with trip wires and landmines ahead.

Passable? Yes, assuredly, certainly. You need help to avoid the nastier parts and some of that must come from W. Some of that must come from experts, your W’s physician for one. Some of that must come from the research you do on your own. It is a herculean task before you. There will be setbacks, disappointment, and pain. Oddly similar to some of the craziness you’ve already experienced.

I cannot comment about how this will complicate reconciling and piecing. I have no experience to draw from.

[JustStunned]

Echoing what Harrier posted. Better than I. I fear I would be tempted to bail.

[25yearsmlc]

Fantastic posts harrier, cat, Faith. Very grounded. 25, more insight from a personal source. Amazing site here.

Yes, all that makes sense 25, I think you nailed it on the head that I am NOT prepared for all this as much as I like to think I am. Lets add one more thing to the smorgessborg of WTF?

I have to leave tomorrow to go down South and help with my parents who are both not doing well and my poor brother is left holding the bag. I cant believe how bad it has gotten for my parents. Its a long story and trust me when I say, I would not leave If I didnt have to.

Wife is taking kids camping with her friend. Again, I am torn with what I should do about that. She wants to get out of town as she is so paranoid and she did have this planned.

Today BTW was not a good day for the family. We were supposed to go to the city to watch Green Lantern but she was so paranoid and close to having panic attacks.

OM was released from jail today and has conditions on his release.

The car ride with her was very tense.

There was awkward silence and mostly listening to the radio. When we got to the first town to grab some burgers, at Wendy's, she went into a small panic attack.

W: Dont park out front , Im not going in. I can't

W: I cant go in, please dont make me.

M: Ok

W: I dont think I can do it.

M: ok, as long as you are sure.

We start driving and she says she can make it. So I go to gas station to get her cigarettes and when i get back in car .

W: Sorry , I cant make it, lets go home.

When we get to our hometown, she starts to panic again.

W: Why are you driving so slow,?

M: There is a car a head of me in town, cant pass.

W: Go this way to my house.

Then as I am about to turn into her driveway.
W: No keep going straight, dont go in.
W: Turn left, and left again and again

W: Okay, let me out and please go as fast as you can.

Also, I know I have to let OW go, but it is difficult. I dont think my wife can love me. I just dont think she is capable of it. I think my life is going to be a series of psychological episodes. I do love her, I have to figure out what to do.

The above ^^^ described behavior of hers is VERY familiar to me with my MIL...I'm sad to say. Then I look at the highlighted part and...

I am VERY SAD (a bit tearful almost) to say, reluctantly, that I agree.

I could be wrong.

But 9, I am right when I say you deserve to be happy. You DO.



For now, i have to focus on my parents and my kids and hope my wife gets the help she requires.
9

YEP...

((( !! )))