My Final Chapter

[2stepboogie]

but dont always have wisdom.

Hey 9 you don’t need a 3000 word post to have wisdom.

She isn’t though, let her do the work to come back to you if that is what she wants. She needs to be held accountable now. Not punitive on your part, but she needs to do the lion’s share of the work now.

Wisdom^^^^^

See what I mean?

first, I'm glad she'll be seeing your d
I cannot see advantage to her not seeing your d, even if it's sporadic. Why? B/c having a part time step mom who says she cares,
is way better than having an AWOL biological mom AND an AWOL step mom "not allowed" contact...it's the lesser of 2 evils

Well 25 I am torn on this and I will tell you why….

X called D on 4th of July and spoke to her for about 20 minutes. D was excited and had a good conversation as I was driving back from the Macy’s Firework show. Later that evening D talks with me for awhile.

D(daughter): Daddy I am sad and lonely. I feel like crying

M: Why?

D: I don’t know

We spoke for a little while about stuff just stuff

D: Why is X calling all of a sudden? Do you think she cares about me?

M: I think she does.

D: So why did she not call before?

M: you know sweetie I don’t know.

D: Are you sad?

M: I am sad when your sad

D: I mean are you sad X left? Did you cry when she left?

M: I was sad and yes sometimes I did but in the end I was happy because I got you

D: Well daddy don’t be sad. If we love X then we should be happy for X even if she leaves. IF you love someone you let them go so that they can be happy even if it means they are not with you. I do love X and I do miss her.

M: Those are very wise words and you are right

X: So when are you going to find a new wife? Can you find one that won’t leave this time?

M: Maybe I will go to Walmart and just buy one. What do you think?

The last part is an obvious attempt at me making light of a very serious conversation. So what is the risk 25? The risk is that my D develops in her mind an expectation that is unreal and will digress instead of continuing to heal. It is very easy for X to wreck havoc on our lives even still. That is why I am very much on the fence on this because I will be left to pick up the pieces when she returns. I know she will have a good time with X. I know X will treat her with love and kindness. It is not my fear that D will be mistreated, it is my fear that D will develop an attachment to X and be depressed all over again.

Of course like a babbling buffoon I backed myself in a corner with this and now I have to follow through because if I don’t my D will blame me as she did when X left. It has taken a lot of Xanax, reflection, and hard work to get D to a healthy state and I don’t want or need to reverse courses. She does not need a part time parent for that I will get her enrolled in the big brother big sister program.

I don't see what the big deal is. There are no ACTIONS that suggest a recon is really on her mind and heart

Really there is no big deal. The only thing that stood out to me in this convo was her reasoning behind the whole thing.

X: I was scared, I was stubborn, and I did not see a way out.

Those were revealing but recon?? Not even on my radar.

The fact that the things she is saying bother you and make you angry show that you are not detached. The fact that you couldn't go 2 days without responding to her shows you are not detached.

I think I am much more detached than I give myself credit for but to borrow your own words, I am not apathetic so yes I do still have emotions. Complete detachment comes with time, A LOT of time.

She will never flat out tell you she wants back if she's not pretty damn sure of a positive response from you. Regardless of what you've said in the past, she won't necessarily believe that you will take her back.

That part in bold Michelle, you have just summed up my X with that statement. Anything I can explain is in that final phrase. She hinted to it when we spoke. When I mentioned the fireworks her response was very telling. See I teeter between not caring anymore and still being sucked in, for the most part I am happy where I am and I never know if she is doing a tempt check or sincerely misses my voice and wants to talk. At this point I really don’t see the reason for talking, if the result is that pain in my chest I felt for months then I don’t want to talk anymore. It was just starting to go away. I am not looking ahead, I am simply living one day at a time.

So, a refresher. Always start statements with "I". "I think". "I feel." Never use "you" and especially "you never" and "you always". Those are guaranteed to get a rise out of someone and get you going in circles of half-R talk with no progress. At this point, there's no R to talk about. She packed and left and filed for D.

While I understand feeling the need to get things off your chest, HOW you say them is just as important as WHETHER you say them

Instructions from Michelle, I love it. My projection of my thoughts is as important as the thought itself. I get that. It is so much easier to sit back and write this stuff out and it takes some serious patience and reflection not to ACT when on the phone or in the spur of the moment. I want to find peace, love, and contentment with my life. I think I am heading in that direction but like a person who has been in a wheelchair for months his legs still wiggle from time to time.

I feel D needs consistency in her life. If you want to be in contact with her, you need to be in contact with her regularly and available to her. Otherwise, I feel it is best that you not get her hopes up.

This conversation is coming. It has to.

The conversation didn't need to be 3 hours.

No Michelle it did not although some things were revealed that were not previously revealed among them is her thought process and I mean in honest terms. She is hurting very much and I feel for her but nothing I can do for her. Nothing……..

And, for what it's worth, I thought your ex was incredibly genuine in the 3 hour conversation that you transcribed

Bworl, you mean to say that you have not read ALL 12 threads?? I kid, welcome and your comments are appreciated. She has always been honest with her comments or at least for the most part.

I could feel her agony. I could feel the emptiness and the loss.

If you felt it in words I assure you it was way worse in person. Sigh

And what's up with you and your mother? Your wife seemed to make it perfectly clear that a big part of her issue was with you and your relationship to Mom. I hope that's something you've been looking at

This is a long story but I will condense it for you.

My mom and stepdad separated in 2006 shortly after X and I took custody of D, until this point my D had been staying with my mom until I had the funds to file for custody. Turns out I never really needed funds since my first W simply handed her over with no problems. When my mom and stepdad separated X asked my mom to stay with us, I was not in favor of this but she insisted.

She moved in. Well to make a long story short 4 years is a long time to live with your MIL. I completely understood this and was going to have my mom move out on several occasions but X talked me out of it, she says it is because she did not want me to resent her for it later. I believe she is telling me the truth about that sentiment. I let her stay. X felt my mom was taking over her life little by little and used it as a catalyst for leaving although it played a major role in our conflict it was NOT the sole reason for the breakdown.

X blames my mom for 80% of our problems and if I could go back and address one thing it would be this. I felt compelled to help my mother who is 70 and at the same time try and understand my X’s frustration. So long story short, X holds a lot of grudge towards my mom.

Hope that helps

Anyway, I'm speaking out of turn since I haven't been around for your entire story.

No turns needed Bworl, you are welcomed to chime in anytime, and actually I appreciate it.

Kids want ice cream so I am going to take them to the local scoop for some ice cream. Sigh is all I can say these days.