Because of what H told me a few weeks ago (i hope this works between us. im trying to extracate myself from a difficult situation. and his plan to get himself away from crazy OW) I feel like he's lied to me again. i feel dooped and so very stupid.
i do love him still. and obviously and it is obvious isnt it, i have not detached. i go to bed thinking about him and our situation. I wake up during the night thinking about him and our situation. i wake up, have a shower, jump on the train, go to work and here i am still thinking about him and our situation. it is consuming me.
i try, i really do try not to let it. i try all sorts of distractions, i go to the gym, i eat lunch with friends, i watch movies, play with my son, go to clubs, play tennis, go for a walk, clean my room, organise my clothes, go shopping........but he pops into my head every time. though not as often as he use to.
"On the MIL issue, ask yourself if subconsciously you've been using that relationship to try to get her to do your dirty work for your. You think to yourself ... "I want him to know/think/feel X way ... so if I say Y to MIL that might get back to him and that may influence his behaviour to be/do/say X?"
I dont think i have been using my relationship with her to get her to do my dirty work. Ive been honest & upfront about what i want - which is to reconcile. If you know my MIL you cannot really get her to do what you want. She is a very strong woman with her own opinion and will do what suits her. Although I am somewhat confused because she has always stated to me that she is "still on my side" and would like to see H and I work things out. And she has told me consistently that H and I will work it out but it will just take time. But H told me last night that his mum was neutral to the whole thing. Why would she say that to him?
"that's a pretty big call .... I wonder how he feels about you thinking that you "saved" him ... from what? Himself? And was that an entirely altruistic exercise in organising him to get his life sorted out? Was that about him … or was it about you making him in to the man/partner you wanted him to be.?"
Im now questioning how he trully feels. He himself has admitted that I saved him. He acknowledged it to everyone and seemed happy that he had such a loving, supportive and devoted wife. I feel like now he doesnt need me Ive been discarded.
"Ask yourself too, why you would have hooked up with someone who needed that much support to making him into “husband” material. You know there are heaps of men out there who don’t need a woman to come along and mother them to get their life sorted out – so what was it about you that made you chose a man who needed all that support?"
To be honest when we first met he wasnt my type. I was going out with someone else and he knew that. There was a physical attraction. But I felt like something was not right about him and his situation. He made things out to be rosier than they were. By the time I found out the truth I had already fallen for him. He was charming and there was a lot of physical chemistry. He wasnt like the other guys id been out with. So when I found out he was failing uni and had basically no where to live, I came to his rescue. It wasnt easy as I was working full time and studying part time. I even took on another job so we could go on holiday. But I did it because I loved him. And he told me the same.
I always felt that he could achieve so much more. He is smart and a very hard worker. I just wanted to give him the opportunity to succeed. He did all the hard work, I was his support system. I dont think Ive ever tried to change him. Infact I know I havent. He always wanted to be where he is now. He just went about it the wrong way.
"You also said something about him snogging another girl a few years ago and you “told” him what that was all about. Red, I do that all the time too. I sprout my “opinion” or “analysis” of a situation as though it’s the word of God and close the book on it. Finished. I’m learning that just because I’ve declared or “told” everyone what I think – doesn’t make it so!!! Everyone has to make their own learning and analysis for themselves. We can’t and really, really should never, think we can do that for them."
Yes Im learning that I do this too. Feeling stupid now. Trying very hard to keep opinions to myself and no more analysing. Zipping my lip and opening my ears.
As for detaching, it is a work in progress. Lots of photos of my H around mums house. And every night S3 watches videos of him and H on my iphone. It makes me so sad.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
