Thanks guys - appreciate the support. I'm trying to remind myself of those points as much as possible.
Spoke to my C today - oddly enough she thinks I'm doing very well, and she thinks I am handling things the right way and the decisions I have made to focus on me and my kids is the best possible place for me right now. We've actually decided not to schedule any more sessions for the time being (but I can set something up whenever I need to). There's just not much else a counselor can tell me right now that I don't already know. B/w her, the DR and this forum, I finally feel like I know what I have to do to make MY life better. If down the road that life includes my H, then great. If no, I will be okay.
During our convo, I told her about everything that has happend in the last two weeks with H renting his own place etc. and how our last convo went. I've journaled so much on here, that I can't remember if I posted this piece or not, but when H and I were talking, I asked him if I was just imagining out good things have been between us for the past 6 months. His reply 'Yes it was good, but it wasn't amazing'. That really REALLY hurt me. Anyways, when I told my C this, she was actually in shock. She couldn't believe he said that. She asked me 'is THAT what he is looking for? an amazing perfect life where he forever lives in that honeymoon phase'. Not to mention everyone's idea of 'amazing' is different. I bounce back and forth in my analysis of that statement. Mostly I believe he means what he says, b/c if you're not in love with someone, you're not in love with someone, so obviously it wouldnt have been amazing to him, even if it was to me. But then my secondary thought is always 'well if he is depressed and feeling numb, how can he even judge what amazing is when he is clearly not feeling much of anything these days.
Anyways, he came over again tonight to see the boys. He actually showed up about a half hour earlier than normal (pretty much the earliest he's ever come home from work in his entire life). I was shocked - said 'wow you're here early' (nicely just shock, not criticism or whatever). He said he left work early. I said 'how come?' (thinking he had an appt or had to something with his new place). He said 'I just didn't feel like working'. He has never in his life left work b/c he didn't feel like working. He's so down and tired these days. I'm worried about him. Anyways, I just joked 'Do we ever feel like working?'. Decent night - nothing special. I was cheerful, had makeup on etc (have to refrain from getting all dressed up when he comes over, cause he's smart enough to think I was being manipulative). But I still looked nice (and smelled good hehe). After he put our oldest son to bed, he came back in to say good bye to me. Sat down on the bed for a minute, sighed and said 'well I guess i better go get some groceries done'. I said 'okay!'. He said 'hope you sleep well' (he says this every single time he says goodbye to me). For the first time I said 'you too'. Oh and then he mentioned he found some more sleeping pills and left them for me (we've both had major sleeping issues since this all started, and we are always sharing our latest and greatest discoveries with respect to over the counter meds). I asked him why he didnt just keep them, he said they don't work for him. He is SO tired these days - WAY more tired than me, and I am up at like 5am every morning with my little guy (and usually up through out the night to fill up sippies or take the big boy to the potty). I suggested he talk to his doctor about getting a prescription for something 'real'. He said 'No way, I take enough drugs right now, I don't need any more'. I left it at that, we said good bye, and he left. Ever since he told me he was renting his own house, he stopped kissing me good bye too. I have to admit it, I do really miss that
Anyways thats my story of the night. I have to say the supportive words I receive from those of you who take the time to read my posts is really REALLY helping me get through this. There's just something so different about receiving support from people going through the same thing. So thank you everyone. I never in a million years could have imagined how much I would rely on the support of this board when I stumbled across this website a few months back... xo
