Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[25yearsmlc]

So it sounds like your plan is to

1) stabilize your w's medical condition, and

2) put the OW on the back burner for now (possibly re-evaluate later)

3) protect the children from OM, and your w's changing condition.

That's a lot for now. Don't minimize the diagnosis your w has.

My mil was bipolar with some psychotic breaks in her past, and 2 episodes that happened in our m...

When h was in high school, his parents divorced and his father went overseas.
The divorce probably triggered an episode in mil, which was diagnosed after the fact.

When h went off to college, h's mother told his little brother (age 17) that h was satan and

when h came home for a weekend to check on them, MIL tried to kill h.

MIL was temporarily committed as an in patient for 6 weeks. This was a HUGE event for h. I did Not know h at the time.


She recovered w/medication and 1-2 brief in patient sessions...she was very saddened when she realized what she had done to h.

During our m, her 2 big episodes were delusional and more suicidal; but

I always had fears in the back of my mind that she might lash out at or neglect our children. Or involve them in something dangerous. I'd feel the same with any suicidal person who had experienced delusions and paranoia before.

Years passed. She seemed better. So we let her babysit our son once...Based on that evening's events, h and I agreed
she would not watch our kids again. She never asked to either.

While out of balance, mil was capable of being very dangerous...while imbalanced, she was capable of being very reckless and hurtful...

but while well, she was a gentle kind soul who had an illness AND

many old, deep wounds from a disturbing childhood, and no resources or tools for coping with them.


When the brain's chemicals are out of whack, bad things can happen. Things that would not happen if the patient were well.

While you cannot blame the diabetic for what she does when her insulin is too low,

you can hold her responsible for checking her sugar levels and taking her medication. And if she can't/won't, OR

if you don't know what her "stability factor" is...then

you cannot have her alone with the kids...and

You need to learn which medications work well, the correct levels, their effects, interactions,

and this is NOT an exact science by any means. And this isn't a fast process.

How does SHE feel about her diagnosis? How certain are you of the diagnosis?

My mil had great shame about hers. So We rarely talked about it. (I think once, maybe twice, in 30 years). That inability to discuss it makes treatment much much harder.

Van Gogh was bipolar. Catherine Zeta Jones says she's bipolar. It's not as if there aren't any artsy geniuses walking around with it. But there are also a lot of criminals with violent behaviors who suffer from it.

And lots of messy lives of people who don't get treated...

MIL would apologize for actions she'd taken afterwards but
she never did ANY therapy for it, just medication. The meds certainly helped
but there was never any insight gained.

I was often nervous about her behaviors first, b/c I detected a "fall" sooner than h or his brother. That is b/c they were men in denial and thought if they were loving enough ("good enough boys) that she'd be okay. There was friction about this at times.

9, I see a rough road ahead for you. From where I sit, you don't seem prepared for it. Sorry...


I feel as if you were seeing this past week or so, as mostly a good thing. Like "Oh good, she left OM! She sees what a loser he is...but too bad about the violence"...

whereas

I see a wacky wife w/an illness that is potentially life threatening to herself OR OTHERS...

In many ways this diagnosis is among the saddest ones to me....it's socially awkward for the patient, and their family. It's poorly understood by the public.

It's An illness like "mood swings TIMES 1000" and it's hard to treat and

she lacks the insight to KNOW this, so she ACTS ON these swings...

and damage gets done to herself and others.

A phase of her latest swing seems to have ended, albeit dangerously and with great drama.

I don't see much else for you to be acting on.

I mean, what do YOU think is happening

in your m?

I see you helping the mother of your children to get her balance back. And protecting your children...and healing yourself.
Am I missing something?

Isn't that enough for now?