My Final Chapter

[MichelleLT]

Stupid work kept me busy after lunch. Okay, here goes:

The text did kind of bother me; actually it made me a little angry which is another reason not responding when I wanted to was so important. Regardless of how I feel I am not out to hurt her but also I do not want to get hurt in the process. I have to protect myself.

I have to differ with what was said before about anger being the opposite of love. You can love someone and be angry at them. In fact, if you didn't care about them at all, whatever was said or done wouldn't anger you so much. The opposite of love is apathy, not anger. Someone who argues with you is still involved emotionally. That's why the WAW thing surprises you guys so much, the arguing stops before the woman walks because she resigns herself to leaving and stops fighting for the M.

The fact that the things she is saying bother you and make you angry show that you are not detached. The fact that you couldn't go 2 days without responding to her shows you are not detached.

Time for her to work a little? Yes gritter. Time for her to do some work. The sad part is I don't know if it is too late. If the R with OM is what I think it is then it is pointless because I will NOT compromise my moral integrity for anynone. That is just me.

She misses your voice? So she says

Will she know she really wants it if you hand her what she wants on a silver platter with some blue cheese and celery? She prefers Ranch.

Under what circumstances do you risk that? I don't. I can't. I can't do what I have done twice in my life. I will die of a heartattack


She will surely test you along the way.

Yes she will. She will test that the changes are real. Over and over and over again.

A text telling me she misses my voice is just that. A text. Nothing more nothing less.

I will know when she flat out tells me just like she flat out told me she filed. I am in no mood for riddles or to stroke her fragile ego.

A text is just a text yes. Actions speak louder than words. Texting you is an action. Calling multiple times is an action. It shows that she is not as detached as she likes to think she is. Regardless of the content.

Here's the catch. She will never flat out tell you she wants back if she's not pretty damn sure of a positive response from you. Regardless of what you've said in the past, she won't necessarily believe that you will take her back.

2step, My heart goes out to you. I think you are putting into words an element of this experience that many of us are having.
I don't know what to say otherwise - communication is such an issue sometimes - you want to speak from the best in you, and yet when something like this happens - what to say?
Silence?
I'm sure there is an appropriate response that comes from the best in you. Give yourself the time to find it.

We always need to speak from the best of us. Despite what is touted about sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me, words do hurt. And they can never be taken back.

It is far better to bite your tongue than have to apologize later for what was said. The apology helps, but it never takes the words back.

So, a refresher. Always start statements with "I". "I think". "I feel." Never use "you" and especially "you never" and "you always". Those are guaranteed to get a rise out of someone and get you going in circles of half-R talk with no progress. At this point, there's no R to talk about. She packed and left and filed for D.

While I understand feeling the need to get things off your chest, HOW you say them is just as important as WHETHER you say them.

Country: I do have two kids at the house and I was in no rush to respond. I did eventually. You are right on all points. My balance comes between Anger/Love/and indifference. I want to avoid being punitive with my words and actions while at the same time keeping my personal integrity and morals. I hope that makes sense.

So, 3 hours of talk. Half of it half-R talk. A lot of rehashing of old stuff. A lot of venting, but not moving towards solutions. More preaching to her about how she should have tried harder and tried more things. Only a small chunk of it seemed to actually pertain to the reason for the call, your D, and nowhere in there does it seem a basic clear statement was made - I feel D needs consistency in her life. If you want to be in contact with her, you need to be in contact with her regularly and available to her. Otherwise, I feel it is best that you not get her hopes up.

The conversation didn't need to be 3 hours. While XW is in the anger phase, it probably will be best to limit contact anyways. Especially if the conversations turn nasty.

The best phrases you can have are, "I understand why you feel that way" (but only if you can say it sincerely), "I'm sorry you feel that way" (just because she feels that way doesn't mean you have to agree with her, and this does not mean you support her actions or agree with her, just that you are sorry she feels that way), and boundary setting phrases like, "I am sorry you feel that way but I cannot change the past. We can talk more when you are feeling better, but right now I need to go". Whatever reason you give, D needs me, etc. you don't actually have to spend an hour on the phone ranting at each other. You can convey that you are willing to talk and listen, but only if the conversation stays at least reasonably cordial.