Don't know where I am

[Harrier]

I thought It should update things instead of just lurking in other people's threads.

I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Harrier?" (2pts if you get this quote)

Anyways, My weekend was just OK.

I had a backslid on Saturday afternoon. Which my wife was pissed bout. She said "with how things are why would you do that?" I didn't have an answer, but I did say "I'm sorry" which surprisingly had a bigger impact than I thought.

But the damage was done. She said that she didn't even want to go to marriage counseling again, when before the incident she was willing to go at some point. Yet she NEVER told me that. She kinda softened on that stance later and she said that what I did didn't really change anything substantively. She did acknowledge that she was mad and it probably wasn't the best time to push things.

After that things went okay. She worked most of Monday, and left me watching the kids. She was supposed to work only a 1/2 day, but it became a full day. Though annoyed I was pleasant and cheery about the whole thing to her.

We talked a few times about the moving out thing. Sometimes I'm okay with at times...other times I get sad or mad about it. i really think she has no idea of how it will be and how much stress it will create. I think she kinda wants to go back before we were married to get those feelings. I don't think we will see each other as much as she thinks. It will be too painful for me.

I know I should be optimistic and part of me is because I can't see us really splitting up for good, but I have my fears about it. I just wish she'd give MC another shot and get some therapy for her issues as well. She did agree to meet our MC to talk about her rationale for me moving out. He thinks it's a bad idea too.

Her appointment with him is tomorrow morning. I'm nervous about it really. I mean I have no idea what she will say (she did say that she wouldn't' tell him anything she won't talk to me about) I made it clear the the MC that she isn't going to change her mind on the move out. I just don't know what they will say, but he does get her to look at things in a different way.

I mean, it was him who helped my wife get to the point that sleeping in different beds wasn't necessary anymore. Which made her decide to ask me to sleep in the same bed last Dec.

I notice a couple of small things the past few days. I'm trying to just enjoy them instead of reading into them. On Monday, after she got home, she suggest the family go get ice cream. While I was at the drive through paying, my W reached over and rubbed my shoulder. Now she hasn't done this in a long time.

Then last night she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on the porch while our youngest played outside. We had a pretty good talk about mostly about work stuff - hers and mine. I ended up trying to fix his tricycle. Here I am a highly skilled attorney, working for an hour on a $30 kids bike.

Last night I'm putting our oldest to bed and she comes in and tells me she's going to bed. Says she's sorry we didn't get to hang out. She kisses our son then rubs my hand.

Then before work this morning she again rubs my shoulder before I get in my car.

It strange the last time she started with the hand rub was when she started to open up the affection. I just enjoyed it.

lastly, last night when I come to bed she is sprawled out over the bed. usually when I come to bed, she automatically rolls over to her side (I don't think it's intentional) but last night she just stayed where she was and our feet where touching. She used to do this thing where she would tap my foot with hers when I came to bed as a sign of affection. I did notice she did tap my foot and rub it with hers.

Last night I was lying in bed and felt like a major positive change in her was coming soon - it was almost a spiritual thing. It was probably wishful thinking.

I'm on no time table honestly. For example, I used to keep track of how long between times we ML. Now, I don't.

I'm really trying to just be the best husband/father I can.