Because HER GAL is real and you have to fake your "happiness" for now...
It's killing you because she will have genuine fun and you will be thinking of nothing but her and your sitch tonight...
And she knows it...
And that's ok... You've done well...
This is how it starts...
And here is the secret... Your W happiness and carefree days will end...
The day you no longer have to fake it...
The day you truly start living for you...
The day she NO LONGER has you as a back up plan...
The day you move on for real, she will move closer... It's human nature...
Check out ninelives thread for proof of that...
Keep in mind that OM and her had a fantasy life... No work stress, no kid stress, no life stress, etc. Those things will now slowly creep in if she continues any kind of contact with him (and I hope she's not)...
Right now she got away with murder... She had a blast for x months, enjoyed new experiences and the feelings of a new relationship and she STILL has you there... Pining, wanting, needing... I know, I was there too...
Go out, have fun, find that confident man you used to be... And be confident in tbe knowledge that if your W doesn't follow, someone great will...
Good luck...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
This email from her was the trigger that let me release my emotions about her affair. I can't believe I was holding all that back. It's a good thing I was not at home for that deluge.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I'm sorry to tell you that NOT thinking about it is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
I thought about it ALL the time. I sat outside the apartment of the 22 year old that my then wife of 21 years had boffed, just willing him to show up.
I knocked on his door every hour for the better part of a day, sure that he was there and wanting to let him have it.
I drove past the apartment she rented anytime I was near it, just to see if someone else is there.
You're not a weakling because youfeel this way. No one is suggesting that.
We're just trying to maybe spare you some of the time that we wasted when we were exactly in your shoes.
She's gone. Keep telling yourself that until it sinks in.
Expect the worse and find a way to accept it. While you're at it, be thinking about how you might be able to move past it someday if things work out.
People here are forever telling you to focus on yourself because that's the only thing each of us found that allowed us the ability to STOP thinking about what our spouse was doing.
Honestly, we know what you're going through, and it truly [censored].
Deal with it, bit my bit, little by little. Reward yourself in some way for those moments that you're able to put her out of your mind. Positive reinforcement.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
That's the key right there. and has been the common theme running through all your responses. and we've all done it.
you're trying to make her do something.
you cant make her wonder. Cant Make. you need to understand this.
its the key to everything. everyone has been telling you this.
its not sincere. and it comes across as such. you will always fail if "making her" is your goal.
DBing is all about you. Stop trying to make her see or make her feel. whatever you choose to do, do it sincerely for yourself. only for yourself.
get contacts for yourself. lose weight for yourself. buy new clothes for yourself. join a gym for yourself. ride a bike for yourself. volunteer for yourself. see a movie for yourself.
in the end, regardless what happens, worst case scenario: you'll be a better person in a better place.
will you save your M? who knows. some do some dont. DBing is really about saving yourself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
That's the key right there. and has been the common theme running through all your responses. and we've all done it. you're trying to make her do something.
you cant make her wonder. Cant Make. you need to understand this.
its the key to everything. everyone has been telling you this.
its not sincere. and it comes across as such. you will always fail if "making her" is your goal.
DBing is all about you. Stop trying to make her see or make her feel. whatever you choose to do, do it sincerely for yourself. only for yourself.
get contacts for yourself. lose weight for yourself. buy new clothes for yourself. join a gym for yourself. ride a bike for yourself. volunteer for yourself. see a movie for yourself. in the end, regardless what happens, worst case scenario: you'll be a better person in a better place.
will you save your M? who knows. some do some dont. DBing is really about saving yourself.
THIS ^^^^ is something you MUST process, digest and keep in mind at all times...this is key.
This is essential to you "getting" it. You are getting great advice here, saying roughly the same things...
Know it...b/c Where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Had a good time tonight with dinner and movie. Was my best friend b'day, so took him out. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be... Note to self... No more movies with love in them...
Of corse my wife was on my mind the whole time... I hope that soon I can enjoy life again... Please DR. Happy pills tomorrow... This roller coaster is killing me.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I had a good visit with my priest today, he shared a lot of information with me and it did help some. He did suggest that I apologize to my W for some of the things I said to her after the revalation of the A.
I discussed that with my best friend tonight, and he said "did she apologize to you for the affair?". I responded "no" and then he said, so why would you apologize to her?
Not sure what to do here?
I'm just asking instead of following my gut... (which just gets me in trouble)
Thoughts?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
You should apologize for anything you truly did wrong, regardless of:
a) how she will (or won't) react to your apology; and
b) whether or not she apologizes for any wrongs done to you, such as her affair.
Try to operate from a basis of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
