I'm with J3B re the kids ... I did talk to my IC and our MC about them a bit, but really I've just tried hard to be real in an age appropriate way. Told them it wasn't their fault, told them we both loved them more than anything and that would never change. I also kept them in the loop as far as changes that would impact them went, because that's what my daughter needs to be comfortable. I took a lot of flack for telling them about Daddy moving before he did, he questioned my motives etc, but I am comfortable in who I am as a parent. They saw me sad (but not alot, that's a very difficult burdon for a kid if they see too much of it), but mostly they saw me find the strength inside to deal with this crisis in an honourable, dignified way.
Spend as much time as you can with them, cut them some slack when they're struggling, but don't cave and bend over backwards trying to overcompensate for what they are dealing with.
My kids are coping fantastically well. Honestly. I have a very open dialogue with them, chat with them and temp check occasionally. They are very comfortable right now, even though in the last two years they have dealt with the death of their cousin, the break up of mommy and daddy, daddy moving twice, daddy's introing the OW and moving her in very quickly, meeting my BF (whom I am no longer with) ... not to mention the regular pressures of school and life, my S6 even started K in the middle of all this.
The best tips I could give would be :
Be real and honest with them (age appropriately).
If you don't know, say so.
Remind them often how much you love them.
Don't ever speak in a derogatory way about their father to them.
For that matter, don't speak about OW in a derogatory way to them either (if there is an OW).
Don't ever use their feelings as a tool to attempt to manipulate your H (this one is tough - I caught myself doing this occasionally, but checking your motives at the door always helps, as does knowing your expectations).
There is some disagreement among the experts out there ... but I never told the children that "we" were separating or that this was a decision that "mommy and daddy" made. I was very firm on that. I did not blame my stbxH, but I did make him accountable for his decisions. For me that meant that when we sat down with our kids at various points to discuss what was happening, my stbxH spoke (in words we had discussed together at the MC) about how HE needed some space and grown up privacy, and how HE was choosing to make some changes, etc. I did not argue or defend, or jump in with "but I don't" kind of statements. I just let it be what it was, we were united in our message of "we both love you more than anything and this is not your fault". Our children amaze me everyday, they are intelligent, capable little humans and they are born without fear ... we instill it in them by example and by teachings. The less we show them they have to be afraid of, the stronger they forge through challenges, or at least that's how it's playing out in my experience
Hope that helps in some way! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
