So...am I still a newcomer?

[jbnati]

I also prayed; I prayed that God would forgive my selfishness and mean behaviors in the past, and that He would guide me in my new behaviors and actions. And I prayed that I could forgive myself and get on with things.

In my case, that was my first step toward forgiving myself. I am still praying for my W that she can forgive me and start healing from harboring these hurts from the past.

[Telemark]

Journaling / reporting in / venting just a little...

Had a grand time last night at Lancaster City's First Friday with my D, S and a good friend who also needed a night out. The weather could not have been more perfect. Lots of galleries open, good food, sidewalk entertainers and streetcorner musicians everywhere. We stopped in at House of Pizza, and had 2 large pies and several Coronas; the place was jumping. i did not want the evening to end.

One thing this sitch has done is brought my kids and I closer together than we've ever been. We try to get together at least once every other week just to spend an evening with each other. And S reports for Air Force basic training in Texas in 2 months, so every minute we have together is precious.

Worked around the house today after the gym this morning. I've been to the gym 3-4 times a week for the last 2 months, and the results are starting to show. That's a good thing.

SS24 came home for the weekend; he lives and works just outside of Philadelphia. W and he went car shopping for him this afternoon, but came home with nada. I think SS is a bit overwhelmed at the idea of owning a car & the responsibilities that go with it.

This evening W, SS and I were watching some TV for a bit. I looked over at W and had to fight the urge to say, "My God, woman! Snap out of it & come to your senses! You have a husband who loves you more than you could ever imagine, a great house (OK it needs more work but it is a very cool house), food on the table, someone to care for SS21 when you are working (me) and overall a pretty good life here. Why are you so hell-bent on throwing it all away???"

But of course, I didn't...

[a girl]

Boy do I feel that! We're 1 month in to "the bomb" and sometimes I want to shake him until his head falls off.

Glad you had a good time, though!

[greenblue90]

Telemark
Just caught up with your sitch. Keep plugging along your W sounds a lot like mine. You need to keep working on being the man she is dumb to leave. Also in my case I found that she demonized me because I let her. In order to avoid conflict I would take her berating. It may have kept the situation from getting worse in the short term, but in the long term it cemented in her mind that I was this terrible person she needed to lash out against.

Admit to your wrongs, work on them, but start demanding she cut you some slack. Yes forgiveness it's up to her, but some people gloss over their own shortcomings by dragging down everybody else below them to feel better about themselves, and then wonder why they are surrounded by people they deem "to be bad".

It may not be time to do this yet, especially since depending on your approach it may make things worse. All I can say is that until she learns to forgive you and cut you some slack, things will NOT get better.

Anger and resentment is a way of life for her. she needs to know you will not tolerate that. As I said finding the time and place will be hard. Yet it needs to be done.

[jbnati]

Telemark, I am glad you had a good time on Friday night.

It seems like for many of us, our sitches have been a catalyst for getting in better shape.

I looked over at W and had to fight the urge to say, "My God, woman! Snap out of it & come to your senses! You have a husband who loves you more than you could ever imagine, a great house ..., food on the table, ... and overall a pretty good life here. Why are you so hell-bent on throwing it all away???"

I can completely resemble this feeling and these thoughts. It can be so frustrating some times.

[Telemark]

Had a somewhat depressing revelation of sorts last night as I was lying in bed...

When W dropped the bomb 4 months ago, she gave me the "ILYBNILWY & I've never really loved you" speech. Since then I've waffled between thinking that was her possible-MLC side talking, and just not accepting those statements at all.

But last night it occurred to me that those statements probably are true. I thought back through the years of our marriage and recalled incidents and comments that should have been big red flags to me, but I chose to ignore them or misinterpret them.

For the first time since all of this happened, I thought to myself, "W will not reconcile; too much damage has been done. I can 180 and GAL until I become The Perfect Man (I know, there is no such thing) but W will always see me through her Old Eyes - the ones that produced so much contempt and apathy toward me and our M." She is the true Injustice Collector, and will always carry those hurts and injustices with her like a security blanket.

But what surprised me was that after thinking those thoughts, I was OK with letting go. What kind of a relationship would we have if it was based on her staying only out of duty or obligation? Why do I want to be with someone who very clearly does not want to be with me? I do not want a passionless, loveless, sexless marriage, yet that is what W, by her own admission, is offering.

I deserve better.

Am I giving up? No. I will continue to DB and work on myself. I will be a better version of me regardless of the outcome. But the thought of a D is not so terrifying any more.

[~ kd ~]

Good job, TM.

Now, see if that sticks...

You will likely waffle on that, as well. But you are getting further along detach, and that is great. And continuing to DB irregardless of the outcome remains important.

[jbnati]

But last night it occurred to me that those statements probably are true. I thought back through the years of our marriage and recalled incidents and comments that should have been big red flags to me, but I chose to ignore them or misinterpret them.

Telmark, those statements may be true, but I'm sure it's not the entire picture. She has singled out data to support her decision(s). All you do right now is learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward. This is not all your shoulders either. She has a hand in this, too.

W will always see me through her Old Eyes - the ones that produced so much contempt and apathy toward me and our M." She is the true Injustice Collector, and will always carry those hurts and injustices with her like a security blanket.

This is her problem. This is very unhealthy. Until she unloads this baggage, she is always going to be weighed down with it. Also, I think we as LBS tend to forget the WAS is watching us. The more you continue to work on yourself and GAL, the more other people are going to notice as well.

What kind of a relationship would we have if it was based on her staying only out of duty or obligation? Why do I want to be with someone who very clearly does not want to be with me? I do not want a passionless, loveless, sexless marriage, yet that is what W, by her own admission, is offering.

Who wants that? I really don't think your W wants that. I know you don't want it. I told my W a couple of months ago that I want her to want to come back. I think that's the only way. Besides, you want your real W back, not this person you're dealing with right now.

Am I giving up? No. I will continue to DB and work on myself. I will be a better version of me regardless of the outcome. But the thought of a D is not so terrifying any more.

Good for you, Telemark. Continue to work on the new and improved Telemark.

[any chance?]

Tele:
I empathise with you. Just had a great weekend with WAW, which I will detail tomorrow (big deadline today, so I must be brief)

I want my W to come back because she wants to, not because she thinks she should or that I am a good last resort.

In the meantime, I DB like crazy. GAL, improving myself. Maybe she will notice, maybe she won't. Can't control that.

I do wonder, however, where the boundary is between DBing and simply admitting and accepting that the M is over and moving on?

[Telemark]

Thanks for the support and encouragement, friends...we need validation from each other as much as our W's need validation from us.

So...an hour after I wrote the post above I get a "Good morning " e-mail from W. That may not seem like a big deal, but it is the first non-businesslike communication I have received from her in 4 months, and it all went something like this:

W: Good morning.

M: Good morning. This is a pleasant surprise.

W: You left early this morning.

M: Yes, I can't sleep past 5:30 anymore so I thought I would go into the office.

W: Why aren't you sleeping well?

Now, you know I was tempted to reply, "Because you've made my life a freaking hell and I can't sleep because I'm constantly thinking of you!"

But of course, I didn't.

M: Not sure. Just not sleeping a lot.

W: You never did.

W: Hope your day is OK. I'll see you at 11 this morning. (We had an appointment together to meet with the contractors on a church remodeling project)

M: Thanks. See you then.

Knowing I was going to see W other than at home I had put on the best fitting and looking clothes I owned, new cologne and made sure I was well-groomed. It must have had an effect because several times during the meeting and walk-through I caught her looking at me pretty intently.

After the meeting I asked her to join me for lunch. Wonder of wonders, she agreed. So we had a nice, light lunch together, talked about very non-confrontational things and parted smiling.

I'm not reading anything into this, and I'm still on guard against a mood swing that will come my way (and we all know it will), but it was a pleasure to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.