This morning when I was lying in bed, as usual my first thought was of this whole crap. The difference the last couple of days is that I don't miss her as much. Now my thoughts are of how stupid I was to put up with her affair for years, how I was really played like a fool for the last 2 years, and how STBX isn't the woman she used to be. OM has changed her so much. But I also let him change me in some ways. I became a bitter, angry, hurting man with no self pride at all. I am still angry as can be and will despise that man forever, but I feel like I am starting to recover personally.
I am hoping my week long visit to see an old friend will give me some time to heal and start finding the old me. I miss the funny, smiling, cocky (losing some of that has been good!) man I once was.
This has been a truly horrendous experience and I will always wish it had never happened and that we had stayed a family forever. But, I also know I did everything I was capable of at every point to try to save my family. Yes, I made mistakes and did one horrible thing I will always regret, but I never gave up until the fat lady was singing away. I was fighting against a power greater than I could muster - the love STBX has for OM.
I actually say that he "won". But, he didn't win the woman she once was. She's still a great woman the way she is today, but not as great as she once was. I was fortunate enough to spend the best years of her life with her. For that I am thankful.
