Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[jbnati]

OMG,9. This has been unbelievable. You're doing the right things and it looks like you're getting wise counsel. Hang in there. Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[FaithnAK]

All I know is that we both want our family together again and that everything else is going to take lots of patience and work.

Maybe it's time to start doing a little reading regarding piecing.

I'm not saying that's the next step, but I understand that piecing can be consider HARDER than getting through the initial breakup and detaching, etc...

Kaffe, Great post. Just one thing...

I will agree with reading up on piecing to a small point, but I think reading up on bi-polar disorder and something to the effect of living with someone with bi-polar is in better preparation for what is to come. I think piecing will come along with it.

A local used book store had a book that I can't remember the title, but it was basically "My spouse has bi-polar disorder" and books like "Living with Bi-Polar personality"; titles like that. I definitely think you should prepare to be aware and understand what is going to happen and what your W might be going through, so you can handle things accordingly. Just my opinion.

[~ kd ~]

Absolutely agree, Faith! Good call!

[ninelives]

Great advice everyone. I am overwhelmed with the support from everyone. I am drained as she just left to go sleep in her place.

ONe thing my brother in law brought up is that OM may be back to finish the job. Not likely but BIL was a cop for 30 years.

Said he has heard of cases where abusive spouse/BF comes back and kills the partner and then kills himself. That sure has me scared as he told her that if she ever left him , he would kill himself.

What a prick? God I dispise that piece O crap like nobody I have ever hated. From the bottom of my hater.

I cant believe we as a family are in a sitch that we have to be concerned about retribution from him.

She is so sorry about everything and feels like such a fool. She fell for his load of crap and despite what people were telling her, he is unstable and a low life. What else can you say about a man that beats up a woman. No excuses. When I found out about the affair she was having with him, I simply called her a bunch of names and left the area. I did not even think about hitting her.

We talked about things. She is concerned that he may commit suicide and she will feel responsible but I said to her, its not your fault, if it wasnt you it would have been somebody else.

I CANNOT believe this happened. Im in a state of shock, I cant imagine how my wife is feeling.

She is fixated on the OW. She keeps asking me questions about if I had sex with her and was she good and about her body parts ,,,,, etc...... I told her that I dont want to answer these questions. She is afraid that I will go on with OW.

I dont know what to say. I love my wife but I dont know for sure how this is going to turn out.

I told her that I need to be with someone that will LOVE me as I deserve to be loved. She says she can be that person.

Man what a clusterflick. I wanted her back so bad and now that it may happen, Im not sure if I do. NOt under the circumstances.

This is going to be a long, long process.

I will try and read up on all those things that she is going through.

Tired, need to sleep.

9

[~ kd ~]

Some stuff to start:

Psychological trauma


Bipolar disorder


Living with spouse with bipolar

and you know where to find piecing in the forums here...

[2stepboogie]

9

I think KM is giving you great advice and so is faith. I am going to echo their replies to you. It is our nature instinct when we see a little window to jump in or to over protect our suffering wife although in your case you need to protect without over stepping.

She is fragile right now and ALL you need to think about is being there for her.

Not about R

Not about M

Just be there for her

That is it

[ninelives]

Thanks Kaffe, Faith and my brother 2step. Yes , I will try and deter her away from R talk and myself as well. She is so fragile and im worried about her. ITs 4 am and I went to her house and basically , went in the basement window to make sure she is still alive. Her doors were locked and I didnt want to wake her. I will tell her tomorrow , she needs to secure that basement window.

I went to her room and just watched her sleep. I used to love to watch her sleep when we were together and thank GOd that he blessed me with such a wonderful woman. I watched her so peaceful and without that potty mouth that she really developed lately.

Well, she's alive and I watched her a few minutes and left. Stressful times at the 9 residence but Im not complaining.

Its now 4:30 and I will try and sleep.

Thanks again to everybody that has chimed in.

Where the heck is Denver these days? LOL

9

[ninelives]

I had a lengthy talk with my W this morning, and we joked about things, kept things light for the most part.

She is concerned about the town finding out about this and is very concerned about her reputation. She is also concerned about him and what he is going through. I guess that is normal and I cant begrudge her for that but I also , I think, keep reminding her that he almost put her in the hospital yesterday and that he doesnt deserve too much sympathy.

She is still afraid that I cant accept what has happened and we did talk about all the changes in ME , thanks to this site. She knows that I will do my best IF we can get back together. She is afraid for alot of things but that to is normal.

WE are going to go to the city today with the boys and watch a movie and then go out for dinner. Like we used to as a family.

I think it will be good for us. The boys are very happy but I cautioned them that we are not together and we may not get back together. The oldest one is very happy and is just glad she is done with the scumbag.

I did mention transperancy with her today and she was in total agreement but again, that is the cart before the horse. She is going to block him from Facebook today .

I am going to go slow and she knows this in theory but needs to stop focussing on the OW so much. Again she compared her to herself and says she doesnt measure up.

She wanted to know about sex with her again and if she was better in the sack etc.. This is getting tiresome but I do understand her insecurities.

Okay, on with the day.

9

[Starsky309]

Your W has literally hit the proverbial "Rock Bottom". She is a walking china vase right now and you need to just let her be.

If she needs to talk, just listen. No advice to her unless she flat out asks. Just leave her be and let her feel safe. Just shut up and listen.

After a few days suggest to her getting help with the Bi-Polar meds; she is going to need therapy for the abuse; and then a little later down the road, retroville(sp?).

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!! Very slow 9. Proceed with caution.

This ^^^^ .


Starsky

[~ kd ~]

Yes, 9. She will think about the OM a lot over the next while.

Expected... on MANY different levels...

My W, IIRC had many nightmares about her partner coming back. Doing things. The big one for her I think was that he told her before she had called the cops, that he would take D13 away from her and she would never see D13 again (abduction). It was plausible, and she had a HUGE fear about that.

And of course, she worried about his well being. She hoped he would be OK. While she was scared of him, she still wanted to "save" him... I think she transfered some of that to me, she likes to "save" people.

And... eventually the thoughts slow down. I expect she still has them, during our M and even now. Again, that's understandable.

As far as her concern over OW... again...

Know how YOU felt with her and OM. I'm sure you've posted some of the exact same thoughts that your W is saying to you now, on your previous topics...

You KNOW what she is going through. You CAN empathize with her...

How will YOU handle that?

You aren't sucked in, this is a unique situation and helping your W remain safe is VERY important.

For your sake, you need to be clear that you are supporting her through this difficult and scary time for her, and that your M is still where it is.

By being clear in your OWN mind about the above, you can ACT accordingly. So you will SHOW her with your actions, even if your words fail you or you would rather not say them or you say something different...

She will notice and come to understand that she can believe 100% of what you do, and only 50% of what you say...