My best friend also has a home daycare and she is MISERABLE. She is so burned out and it is affecting every aspect of her life, especially her relationship. She wants to get out, but feels stuck. I feel for your W in that regard.
As for bringing your kids, I would call and ask someone about volunteering and what the requirements are. You may have to fill out a volunteer application and possibly authorize a background check. I had to do it for my volunteering because I am working with what is considered vulnerable adults. They may have regulations against children, but maybe not. It would be something you could do together and it would teach them as well.
FYI- you might want to start another thread...this one is way past 100 posts.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
oh, J1... FYI, it's a general rule of thumb here, when a topic gets above 100 posts, we start a new thread and copy and paste a link to our old thread in the first post.
The moderators like to keep threads in Newcomers to no more than 100 posts for some reason... *shrug*
You need to excercise everyday. You need to start feeling good somehow inside. Your contacts are a start. But you need to start moving forward. Force yourself everyday whether you want to go or not. Whether you are defeated or not. Go. Go. Start lifting weights. Start running...
Buy some new clothes. Change your look. I grew a goatee...You know a woman at worked noticed and said it looked good. You have no idea how a little compliment changes you. This is about working on you. Whether it works out or not, this is time to make a better you. For you and for your kids. If she comes back great, if she doesn't you are working down the path of recovery.
Look, I tried to voulenteer, I bought a guitar, I went to see a priest...I tried it all. I too lived with my W.A.W. for almost a year. Hell on earth. I slept on the couch. I would not subject myself to humiliation sleeping in the same bed any longer. Pining for someone is unattractive. She won't see you as attractive if she sees this guy trying so hard to win her back. Detaching is the only way you make it through this. Stop trying for her and try for you.
You are entering the hardest part of your life. Go see a therapist as well if you haven't started already.
Remember: it took a long time for your marriage to get to this state, it isn't going to change back the other way overnight. You also don't want to be a charity case. For her to stay out of guilt or duty isn't good. It needs to be about love.
The only way out is through...
Join a gym tomrrow and start.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Do I just have to let her go, and HOPE to win her back? That makes me feel like I am giving up, like I am not honoring my marriage vows of "in good times and in bad"
I know detachment feels counter intuitive, but only on the surface.
If you put some thought into it, you'd see that what we are suggesting is what will most likely help you, and there's good reason for it.
What we say, MAY NOT help you.
We cannot know what will and what won't help OR
hurt a marriage, with any certainty.
Some couples won't survive their crisis no matter what the LBSer does or says.
But the approach of MWD and the experience of the many that make up MWD's research base,
has taught us a lot about what makes things better AND
what makes things worse...
Johnnie, you are resisting what we suggest even though we think it'll help and what you've done so far has NOT.
So, Why do you resist it?
You are acting as if you
MUST say what you FEEL b/c you feel it
...But cognitively,
you do Not believe that you "MUST" say these things.
So all this really means is - you just lack self control...
which is SOOO NOT attractive...and which does NOT help get her back and it does not help your self image/respect.
INSTEAD Maybe you need me to make an analogy of extremes... so here goes... **Johnnie, please do the following AND see If it helps resolve your problems OR improves the way you and your w get along--
HOW TO LOSE A WAS IN 10 EASY STEPS
1) First, Follow her around physically, never giving her any physical space, and
2) ask the following questions when you are with her:
"W, what are you thinking/feeling/doing now? WHO are you thinking of?
How do you feel right NOW? Who WERE you thinking of last night/yesterday/just then?
How do you feel about us/our future/our children/me/what I'm doing/how I'm looking/my future??
Do you love/need/want ME? Do you love/need/want me NOW? More or less?"
how do you FEEL about OM/your future with OM/sex with OM/life with OM?/our children with OM??? Other children with OM?
3) When you are NOT with her, Constantly call her & Ask her ^^^ these questions again, in case she has changed her mind or words or thoughts...
4) PLUS---ask these questions
"WHAT are you doing? WHO are you with? WHO WERE you with?
When? Where? Doing what? Insist that you must know and that you "have the right to know!"
5) When you are at work, text her all these^^^...and some more below...
6) TELL your kids to ask Her if she loves you. Tell them to tell your w that THEY WANT HER TO LOVE YOU and
even if she does not love you, or thinks she does not right then,
tell them to tell her to stay with you...
tell them to tell her that she "owes it to" you or the "institution of marriage" (emphasize the word INSTITUTION so she is reminded of prisons...)
7) Tell your friends, co-workers, pastor and neighbors and your family members AND HERS too,
that she had an AFFAIR and is an ADULTERER!! remind all parties
that this is a sin...BUT
8) Tell them you will forigve her BUT
9) she must meet all your requirements NOW...and she must stay in the boundaries YOU are setting...
(never mind that she hasn't said she wants to stay m...PUSH HER!)
10) PUSHING ON IN HER FACE IS THE ONLY WAY
SHE'LL KNOW YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP...OTHERWISE
SHE WILL ASSUME YOU FORGOT THAT YOU ARE MARRIED
AND THAT YOU DON'T CARE
Johnnie, never mind that NONE of this ^^^^ will work.
It ^^^ is, in effect, what you are doing.
Never mind that your actions will reduce or eliminate any chance
you have
of restoring OR converting your marriage into something
worthy, strong and beautiful.....
just say whatever you FEEL b/c
....that's how you FEEL
and you MUST SAY WHAT YOU FEEL....right?
Don't borrow so much trouble from tomorrow. Be in the present, focus on getting through each day. Be the best man you can be
and we'll get to tomorrow when it comes.
PS ( YES THIS "PLAN" IS NOT REAL...IT'S A BAD PLAN..you get that, right?)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have done all those things. Clearly I should not have. Because they have not worked.
I am currently going dark, so that I can detach from my wife. All of my recent changes have been for me. When I post my thought here, they are for me, to clear my mind. I never wanted any of this to happen, and could never have even considered we would be here one day. I am (as of Sundays "A" bomb), attempting DR in full effect. I have had very little contact with her. As I have said b4 I am dark (as dark as I can be living in the same house).
My thoughts are that I am attempting (as of sunday) to go full force with DR approach and to emotionally close off any "feelings" and reacting emotionally, that I have been showing for her. I have now stopped all communication with her. I have escalated my commitment to work on me through this whole process, and I know that I am proud of my effort and progress. In my heart, I know how I feel about my W. I have made it very clear here. Now I am approaching this with what I believe is full force measures. When around my W I will act "as if". I will be the best actor (in regards to showing no feeling) I can be. Truthfully, I am angry about this whole situation. Disappointed at myself for being so arrogant and blind for not seeing it coming, disappointed at my W for not talking to me before it got so bad that she quit and had the A, heartbroken at what we have and are about to put our kids through. Even though I know in my heart that this marriage is dead, I am having trouble letting go. I am scared that I may lose or have already lost the one true love of my life. Truthfully, she is already gone.
I am being as honest as I can be right now. I don't know how I am going to kill this love in my heart, but I know I have to in order to make it out alive.
END OF THREAD ONE
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
When you sent her that TM on the 3rd, I could detect her strong resentment about you relying upon your parents. Has this been an issue down through your M? Don't need to give me the history, just yes or no.
Quote:
due to the a bomb, I just go to work in the morning(really i am going to my sisters house to get my sh@t together) I said yes I was working, so that she would have to take our son along with her. It was a snap reaction to buy me time to think over my reaction and ask for advice here and because if she has my son with her, she can't go see OM. Yes I know that is a controlling action.
Yes, you are trying to control that situation, and I understand why. But what I see sticking out in your response to her....is a lie. If you lie about anything, she will use that against R the M like you couldn't believe. DB talks about being mysterious and giving "vague" answers (in order to be mysterious). IOW, if she had asked if you were free Sat. to keep your S, you could have told her had plans. You do, right? It's not her business to know the details. But I don't think you can say that now for this occasion b/c it would cause you to look like phony, whereby causes you to be a jerk.
I assume you were talking about the youngest child? Has she ever been with OM when she had the kids? I believe it is important to a woman in how her children and OM "like" each other. I don't have time to get off into all of that right now. I've read about LBS' agony seeing their kids leave, knowing they would be around OP. So, you think it out and decide. BTW, why would she not see him if she had her son?
Let me get back to what I said about looking like a jerk. From my experience, these are things that absolutely turn the WAW cold or sends her into a fit of rage. The #1 thing for me was LBH's self-righteousness! The W can hear it in your messages or speech. She can see it in your face. That SR includes being what I call "preachy It is hard for you to see it being that way b/c you feel that you're fighting for the M. But this is a changed woman now. She wants to be free of you and the M. I never one time thought about my wedding vows when I was In an EA. So, as bad as it hurts you, I think you can assume she doesn't think about the vows she took. She isn't thinking about all of that, Johnnie, b/c she believe she is done with it. She wants out and is searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
Since she wants to feel free, any forms of control from you will set you way back. You admitted that you do that, so she expects it before you even open your mouth. You have a hard time with it b/c in your mind, you aren't fighting for the M if you don't do "something". For most men....I think the doing something is trying to force/control the situation. It's when you release her that you have a better chance. I'm not telling you to file for D, I'm just saying to let go of that rope you have around her. The more you pull, the harder she will resist.
The other thing that works against the LBH is smothering the WAW. You are trying to control and you smothering.....and it is done with all that talking you do. That is pressure on her, and it will not be positive! The TM you sent after discovering OM.....you sent 15 to her 3. Now, that is an example of what I'm talking about. BTW, 2 of those 3 responses from her were regarding parents. This is pressure applied to her, and no matter how "right" it may be.....she is not going to respond to you pressuring her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Remember, freedom! Every time you apply emotional pressure, it reminds her why she wants out of the M.
As I've said before, you will not be able to work this out by sending all the TM or emails, etc. Yes, that is exactly what you'll want to do. But, it turns her off! Is that what you want?
That is not how you fight for the M. Telling her how you are trying to be strong, and other emotions that indicate "weakness" is not what a WAW wants to hear from a man. Of course you have those feelings, but (and I don't know how to say this very gracefully) it makes you sound too soft or girly and that is not how you need to be with her. She needs to see a calm, quiet strength from you. She needs to see integrity (I know that sounds ironic, but it's true), she needs to see that you are making a life and enjoying it....without her.
You made reference to my saying to make her wonder and you said, "what was there to wonder". I meant not to do the predictable and to wait until you had seen your doctor, priest, and therapist. If possible, you need to leave the WAW "wondering" what your next move will be.
I understand you talking about trust, the vows, and all the other things you've mentioned. However, in the condition she is in right now......you really can't trust her, and if you persist in talking about all of that stuff....she will D you just to make you shut up! You are dealing with a different animal and you need to pull back.l That is the only way to get her focus off OM and to wonder what you're doing.
I'll have to catch up on the rest of your posts b/c you put them out faster than I can read.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
