So...am I still a newcomer?

[Telemark]

Had a somewhat depressing revelation of sorts last night as I was lying in bed...

When W dropped the bomb 4 months ago, she gave me the "ILYBNILWY & I've never really loved you" speech. Since then I've waffled between thinking that was her possible-MLC side talking, and just not accepting those statements at all.

But last night it occurred to me that those statements probably are true. I thought back through the years of our marriage and recalled incidents and comments that should have been big red flags to me, but I chose to ignore them or misinterpret them.

For the first time since all of this happened, I thought to myself, "W will not reconcile; too much damage has been done. I can 180 and GAL until I become The Perfect Man (I know, there is no such thing) but W will always see me through her Old Eyes - the ones that produced so much contempt and apathy toward me and our M." She is the true Injustice Collector, and will always carry those hurts and injustices with her like a security blanket.

But what surprised me was that after thinking those thoughts, I was OK with letting go. What kind of a relationship would we have if it was based on her staying only out of duty or obligation? Why do I want to be with someone who very clearly does not want to be with me? I do not want a passionless, loveless, sexless marriage, yet that is what W, by her own admission, is offering.

I deserve better.

Am I giving up? No. I will continue to DB and work on myself. I will be a better version of me regardless of the outcome. But the thought of a D is not so terrifying any more.