If I follow you correctly, "more of the same behavior, right now", would be to carry-on without acknowledging what had happened. Historically, my W would try to ignore the situation in order to cope, and then question me about it on the weekend when she has time to relax, away from her customers.
I'm guessing a 180 would be to acknowledge then apologize and reassure.
I ask because if the above feels like a good 180 (and I suspect it is, for you), then if you are going to acknowledge, apologize, and reassure your wife, it would be great if you could do it in her "love language".
And remember, apologize is necessary to do once. Say it (clearly so your W understands you are apologizing and for what) and then let it go.
To be honest, your W is a helluva woman to still be around you. She does something, you get mad (even when it doesn't even affect you), you spew, they come and say what a loser you are. I think we've all lost count as to how many times this has happened.
What the heck have you been doing to try to break the pattern? It's obvious what you're doing isn't working.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, she is a great person. I know she's torn because she flops between emotions very quickly. Last night we were close, today she was happy, five seconds ago she accused me of playing with the computer's email history settings; it's a roller-coaster.
I tried to break the pattern through IC, reading and with this forum.
What I need to do is stop reacting and start reassuring. Haven't figured out how to be consistent.
"Yes, she is a great person. I know she's torn because she flops between emotions very quickly. Last night we were close, today she was happy, five seconds ago she accused me of playing with the computer's email history settings; it's a roller-coaster."
Have you noticed that you put the blame on your W for "making" you feel the way you do? Maybe her moods have been flipping because she's been dealing with your flips for so long. As far as I can tell, you're the one on the rollercoaster...not her.
"I know she's torn because she flops between emotions very quickly."
Mind reading. What if she said something like that about you? Would you like your spouse telling others how YOU feel? Stop talking about "her" issues/emotions/etc. And concentrate on your own.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, my outbursts have been increasing, unless you consider the last week or so, where I've been okay.
so on the whole you are NOT getting better...? Hmm.
Self-control at work, in the military, is fairly easy because there are consequences that generally can't be applied at home.
Ahh. So, hurting her, wounding her emotionally, and killing the love she once had for you is...what? "Inconsequential"?
However, my W is really hurt and has basically pushed the ball into my court. Either I fix the relationship or the ship sinks.
that's^^^ a consequence isn't it?
Why don't you apply your military discipline to how you act at home?
i don't think your problem is very complicated. Just Stop bullying your w.
Or admit that the m isn't that important to you.
I'm not convinced that you value her or the R, all that much.
I don't see evidence of it. I see mostly the opposite.
In fact, except for your words here, the only action I see is your repeating the very behavior that kills her love.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=MrBond]"Have you noticed that you put the blame on your W for "making" you feel the way you do? Maybe her moods have been flipping because she's been dealing with your flips for so long. As far as I can tell, you're the one on the rollercoaster...not her.
I'm guess I'm not clear when I post. I've always acknowledged that I'm the one with issues, not my W. I don't blame my W for responding the way she does b/c I know that I've caused the situation in the first place. I guess I'm frustrated b/c I keep hurting her.
When my W "flips" emotionally, I instantly feel angry and disappointed that I've created this situation in the first place. Maybe I feel anger b/c it gives me a sense of control that normal communicating doesn't. I'm not as "quick off the mark" as my W, so I'm easily caught off guard, which genially results in an instinctive reaction; for me, that's always been anger.
Sorry for the late response; many things on the go.
I acknowledge that I keep getting angry, so I don't have a leg to stand on, and I'm not in any way, trying to defend myself or my actions.
My relationship and my M are very important to me. Yes, I get angry. I often feel frustrated b/c I haven't fixed myself and b/c my relationship and my W are suffering.
It's been going better the last few days. W and I have been getting along well which is great. That being said, I know it's important for me not to forget the past by ignoring or avoiding it.
It's important for my well-being, and that of my families, to continue to discuss sensitive issues in a calm, respectful manner.
As suggested by Mr. Bond, I'm going to focus on my issues, vice trying to mind read on behalf of my W.
