New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Hi dbmod, 25years, and everyone.

I have to warn you all; this is going to be a long post. Its mostly journaling about my frustrations and hurts, but if anyone can see anything else I should be doing, please let me know.

The last time I checked in, I had just seen Ex-P in person for the first time in a month and a half. A few hours after saying goodbye, he surprised me with a phone call. Everyone thought I handled both interactions well.

We've had a few more interactions since then, but nothing major. Over the weekend I was forced to forward Ex-P an email from our realtor...she had an urgent question. He replied with three messages back to me, but nothing I needed to respond to, so I didn't. (I've been trying to go dim for my own sake.)

This evening he called again twice. I let the answering machine take his first call because I had JUST walked in the door from my killer bike ride back from work. When he called back again, I figured I ought to pick it up since he had been attempting contact me for a few days.

I wish I hadn't answered it because it was just more of the same. He had some mail and old computer discs for me and he wanted to know if he could come by and drop them off in person as well as get some more of his stuff tomorrow because OW is going out of town meaning that he has free time. I am working such long and exhausting hours during this few weeks of summer school that I said I'd rather he just put whatever he has for me in the mail. I was very evasive about him getting more of *his* stuff because I honestly don't know what else he intends to take and I'd prefer to be here when he comes. I didn't come out and ask him NOT to come, but I think he got the message.

I guess he felt guilty or like I needed to be bribed, so he offered to bring me some groceries or run errands with me if he could come by tomorrow. (He knows that money for groceries is tight and access to a car for errands is non-existent.) I declined both offers because, again, I am working such long hours and I am not at my best after I finish my bike trek so I couldn't really put my best face forward and DB. Plus, I told him that I didn't need anything. Then he offered to bring me some stuff from a special Asian market that we used to visit together, but again, I didn't feel like a visitor and I felt I was being bribed - and on short notice just because its *convenient* for him to clean out more of his junk with OW out of town...and needless to say, he had weeks to get ALL of his stuff without any interference from me prior to this.

Also, I am a tad resentful of these offers of help given my current mood.

About my current state of mind: I know that one of the CARDINAL rules of DBing is to NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. Hope is all that has kept me going for the past four months since he dropped the IDLYAM bomb (and later, the OW bomb). Yet today, I stood at work, in a classroom of kids, and I just felt the last bit of hope drain out of me. On a break, I sobbed in a co-worker's car.

What I am about to say is very personal, but you all have heard it before. As you know, Ex-P started avoiding intimacy with me about ten years ago. I guess we eventually became part of that 20% of couples living in a "sexless" partnership, which Michele defines as having sex less than 10 times per year. We had such a great and genuinely affectionate and (I thought) loving friendship that our infrequent intimacy was an issue we both put aside (Ex-P NEVER could discuss these things). But ironically, though Ex-P was the "low desire" partner and I was the "higher desire partner", Ex-P moved on to OW.

In the last four months I have tried to hold onto hope that Ex-P's desire for me would be awakened, that it was only a MLC compelling him to find solutions to his intimacy issues outside of our relationship. But every time I see him or speak to him, I am reminded that he thinks OW is the bees knees - that over the last ten years I was demoted to the status of a 'good friend' in his mind (without even knowing it), and that it is most likely HOPELESS for me to think that I can somehow intervene in this decision he has made to take his life in another direction at the speed of light.

In the last few weeks Ex-P has been initiating contact much more often, and has been showing genuine concern for me...even once admitting that he "cares a lot" and "thinks about me" beyond just worry for my well-being. If I chose to see things through rose-colored glasses I could even see today's discussion and grocery-bribe as a veiled attempt to see me in person...something that he avoided at all costs just a month or two ago after he literally went AWOL.

Yet, as 25years often says, "No man returns home to good sex he NEVER had." Apparently, Ex-P never thought I was worth much in that department. Ex-P never told me he hated me, we never had any disagreements (that is why him ending our relationship was such a PAINFUL shock); he simply stopped "loving me in that way." Therefor, I am acutely aware that every kindness he shows me is coupled with a reminder that OW is still the priority in his life. That we are friends - nothing more - because in his mind, its all we ever were.

Its hard for me to understand. I'm a cute lady, active, perky, a good 15 years younger than most of the 'company wives' we associated with, and though I'm by NO means beautiful, I have a kind heart, a warm and loyal spirit, and soft and youthful features.

How do I DB at this juncture? Was it wrong of me to discourage him coming by here on short notice? He seemed a bit put-off and his mood switched to businesslike after I steered him away.

The final few minutes of our conversation switched to my inlaws. (Well, I guess I should say my ex-inlaws.) I am very, very fond of my MIL, and though I did not have the opportunity to become close with my FIL due to his emotional distance from his children in general, I was saddened to hear that he is facing surgery. Ex-P said that since his trip to visit OW's family was canceled, he was considering visiting his parents instead. I expressed my concern for a speedy recovery and said that I am certain a visit would mean a great deal to them at this time. He implied he may no longer be welcome there and I simply brushed his concern aside without asking him to elaborate.

So, that is all folks.

Your wisdom is so greatly appreciated.