I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

D12 has body/self esteem issues and I don't know how to help. So she's struggling with that, divorce recovery and just overall fatigue because of her sister -- who needs so much attention and kid gloves.

I don't know how to help her.

D8 and D12 were picking at each other all through the wait for the fireworks. We really shouldn't have gone. They went BECAUSE I really wanted to go. So that's my fault.

After the show is over, D8 is in the car and can't find a Nintendo DS game and asks if she can go to XW's to ask if she'll buy it again. She wants to ask XW because I'm "a cheapskate."

She's already gone to XW's twice today. It's my holiday and I've had to see her two times.

Side things going on in my head when all this is going down. July 4 is the first time -- 17 years ago -- XW and I were together. So it's always had a little extra importance in my mind, and I was battling that.

I knew Saturday that things with Church 31 weren't going to play out the way I hoped. And Monday the date she mentioned earlier came with her to the fireworks. Luckily, the girls wanted to sit elsewhere anyway so I didn't have to spend time with them. Still, it was disappointing, and I think that's it for this church group for me. They are nice people, but I've got too much to deal with to add that to the list. I'll keep in touch with the friends I've made, but I'm going to find other outlets for Thursdays.

So I have the past haunting me and present disappointments kind of in my face as D8 starts to meltdown.

I tell D8 no, she can not go to XW's to ask about the game. I gave no wiggle room. I kept answering no. And she started to get madder and call me names -- typical ADHD stuff.

D12, who'd had her own meltdown three or four hours earlier, tried to defend me. I told her to just look ahead and be quiet. I was hoping D8's anger would exhaust itself with silence.

It's called "not feeding the emotional fire."

She kept on though and, with everything else going on, I was losing my patience -- we also were stuck in traffic and D12 needed to go to the bathroom.

I asked for the Nintendo DS bag. I looked through it and ... found the game she was upset about in the other DS. I had asked her to look in the other DS. She obviously didn't.

And I got angry. I loudly told her she needed to apologize for all of the things she just said.

Well ... that didn't go over well. It never does. She just got angrier.

And mentally I just gave up for a few minutes. I told both of them they were going to their mom's house. I couldn't take it anymore. I just can't hack it.

D12 got sad. D8, who was in full meltdown mode, was happy in an angry way.

It took another 30 minutes to get home because of fireworks traffic. And in that time I regained my senses. I am not a quitter. No matter how bad it gets I will not just hand them back to XW. I will stay in there fighting. But I was bitter as h*ll. It was woe as me thinking. I didn't cheat or abuse XW and I worked hard to keep the M together and still I'm a single father having to face this alone.

Of course, when we got home and D12 went for her bike, I told her I changed my mind and it got bad all over again.

About an hour later, after the full meltdown was over, I couldn't help it. I started crying. I look at D8 and her issues and they really aren't getting better. She's tolerable most of the time, but she just can't control disappointment and once she heads down the wrong path it gets really bad. She punched me in the face. She bit my hand. It was awful.

And I thought to myself, I will never find someone again. D8 is not going to get better, and no one else will be able to handle this. I can barely handle it and she's my daughter. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with this.

When D8 was back in control she was really sad and apologetic. She always is. She said she doesn't know why she can't stop herself and she feels like she's always getting in trouble.

The three of went to bed OK, but I felt very, very, very defeated.

Today went great. We picked up two of their friends to keep them from being at each other's throats. The friends stayed from noon to 5 p.m. I dropped the girls at XW's before she got home from work because I didn't particularly want to see her. It's my week off, but she gets them for one night and tonight was the night.

XW didn't really like that and sent me a text. She asked what happened Monday. I told her I was too worn out to do a recap. I also am leery of these kind of requests. I don't trust her.

She texted back that she's having trouble with D8 too and wants to be on the same page.

I am still not at the level of acceptance yet. I get that message and think NOW YOU WANT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE?

The kids are emotionally worn out from their own issues and the divorce, and XW wants to be on the same page. How about not splitting up the family? How about facing these things together?

Now, I know we have to be on the same page. But right now, after that Monday and with the divorce not a month old, I just want to go far, far away from XW.