I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[kml]

Yeah, stick to email! I've weaned almost all my communication with my ex down to email. He tends to go off on me if I let him get me on the phone. He didn't like it at first but he seems resigned to it now. I like it much better this way.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, Saturday with Church_31 didn't work out. She texted that she had to make a dish to pass for her Sunday party and couldn't do it in the morning so she was going to skip going out Saturday.

That's the indicator I think I needed. If you are interested in someone, you make heaven and Earth move to see them.

So I think I'll see her on the 4th for the fireworks -- the church group is getting together -- and then I'll move on. I'll be out of town with girls for a week and when I get back I'll concentrate on not thinking about her.

XW was over on Friday. I got off work early to get girls to take them swimming before they went out of town with XW.

We swam for an hour and had a really good time. When XW showed up, the car was packed but she was missing stuff. So while girls went inside I took the dog from her and walked it up and down the street while she checked the car for her check card.

Eventually, she found it, but she was still missing a check in card to church for D8 and earplugs for swimming. I gave her my extra pack of plugs and a key card. That way they could just leave.

Church is starting a four week series on how to stay in love. Week 1 was about making love "a verb." You don't "feel" love, you simply love your spouse, meaning you do loving things.

Funny thing is D8 really wants to go to Sunday school so supposedly her and XW were going to drive back Sunday morning -- it's an 1:15 drive from the campground -- so she could go.

I'm curious if they made it. I doubt XW would like the message. She divorced me, she said, because she didn't feel love towards me anymore.

Saturday, after Church_31 said she was staying in, I did the same. I didn't feel like spending money to chase fun. I have enough expenses coming up this week with the trip to the Mall of America.

I did make it out to play my second round of golf today. I was awful ... but the whole goal of living without fear and anger helped.

As I was playing terrible, I felt anger rising up inside. I asked myself why. I am afraid by playing poorly others will think I'm unathletic or a lesser man.

That's silly. I'm playing golf with guys who I play softball and basketball with. They know I'm a good athlete ... I'm just no longer a good golfer.

That got me focused on the real goal of the round ... to just kill time.

Keeping life simple is helping, I think.

[ClingingToHope]

Just an awful night with the girls. Too tired to elaborate now.

[mishka422]

So sorry CTH. Girls are hormonal at best...:)

[ClingingToHope]

D12 has body/self esteem issues and I don't know how to help. So she's struggling with that, divorce recovery and just overall fatigue because of her sister -- who needs so much attention and kid gloves.

I don't know how to help her.

D8 and D12 were picking at each other all through the wait for the fireworks. We really shouldn't have gone. They went BECAUSE I really wanted to go. So that's my fault.

After the show is over, D8 is in the car and can't find a Nintendo DS game and asks if she can go to XW's to ask if she'll buy it again. She wants to ask XW because I'm "a cheapskate."

She's already gone to XW's twice today. It's my holiday and I've had to see her two times.

Side things going on in my head when all this is going down. July 4 is the first time -- 17 years ago -- XW and I were together. So it's always had a little extra importance in my mind, and I was battling that.

I knew Saturday that things with Church 31 weren't going to play out the way I hoped. And Monday the date she mentioned earlier came with her to the fireworks. Luckily, the girls wanted to sit elsewhere anyway so I didn't have to spend time with them. Still, it was disappointing, and I think that's it for this church group for me. They are nice people, but I've got too much to deal with to add that to the list. I'll keep in touch with the friends I've made, but I'm going to find other outlets for Thursdays.

So I have the past haunting me and present disappointments kind of in my face as D8 starts to meltdown.

I tell D8 no, she can not go to XW's to ask about the game. I gave no wiggle room. I kept answering no. And she started to get madder and call me names -- typical ADHD stuff.

D12, who'd had her own meltdown three or four hours earlier, tried to defend me. I told her to just look ahead and be quiet. I was hoping D8's anger would exhaust itself with silence.

It's called "not feeding the emotional fire."

She kept on though and, with everything else going on, I was losing my patience -- we also were stuck in traffic and D12 needed to go to the bathroom.

I asked for the Nintendo DS bag. I looked through it and ... found the game she was upset about in the other DS. I had asked her to look in the other DS. She obviously didn't.

And I got angry. I loudly told her she needed to apologize for all of the things she just said.

Well ... that didn't go over well. It never does. She just got angrier.

And mentally I just gave up for a few minutes. I told both of them they were going to their mom's house. I couldn't take it anymore. I just can't hack it.

D12 got sad. D8, who was in full meltdown mode, was happy in an angry way.

It took another 30 minutes to get home because of fireworks traffic. And in that time I regained my senses. I am not a quitter. No matter how bad it gets I will not just hand them back to XW. I will stay in there fighting. But I was bitter as h*ll. It was woe as me thinking. I didn't cheat or abuse XW and I worked hard to keep the M together and still I'm a single father having to face this alone.

Of course, when we got home and D12 went for her bike, I told her I changed my mind and it got bad all over again.

About an hour later, after the full meltdown was over, I couldn't help it. I started crying. I look at D8 and her issues and they really aren't getting better. She's tolerable most of the time, but she just can't control disappointment and once she heads down the wrong path it gets really bad. She punched me in the face. She bit my hand. It was awful.

And I thought to myself, I will never find someone again. D8 is not going to get better, and no one else will be able to handle this. I can barely handle it and she's my daughter. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with this.

When D8 was back in control she was really sad and apologetic. She always is. She said she doesn't know why she can't stop herself and she feels like she's always getting in trouble.

The three of went to bed OK, but I felt very, very, very defeated.

Today went great. We picked up two of their friends to keep them from being at each other's throats. The friends stayed from noon to 5 p.m. I dropped the girls at XW's before she got home from work because I didn't particularly want to see her. It's my week off, but she gets them for one night and tonight was the night.

XW didn't really like that and sent me a text. She asked what happened Monday. I told her I was too worn out to do a recap. I also am leery of these kind of requests. I don't trust her.

She texted back that she's having trouble with D8 too and wants to be on the same page.

I am still not at the level of acceptance yet. I get that message and think NOW YOU WANT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE?

The kids are emotionally worn out from their own issues and the divorce, and XW wants to be on the same page. How about not splitting up the family? How about facing these things together?

Now, I know we have to be on the same page. But right now, after that Monday and with the divorce not a month old, I just want to go far, far away from XW.

[awest1217]

CTH, I hear you. D is hard for anyone, but especially with kids. You are doing well. There will be times when you slip up, yell, or say things you don't mean. Just show the girls everyone makes mistakes, apologize, and learn from it.

[ClingingToHope]

One more day to Minnesota trip. D8 and D12 are going to be together a lot so I worked it out where D12 is spending the day with friends. D8 has two friends over. We swam for 90 minutes and now they are playing with the DSs.

More fallout from Monday. XW and I have been exchanging texts and I'm falling into an old pattern of trying to point something out XW doesn't want to hear. XW doesn't want to hear that D12's issues, in part, stem from the D.

I got her last text an hour ago and was all ready to respond ... when I thought to myself, it's not worth it.

I am going to restrict all communication for the time being to "I will get them at this time or drop them off at that time."

I can't even have a text exchange with XW right now that doesn't just light fire to my brain. I am still trying to live simply -- without fear and anger. But part of that is living intelligently.

If dealing with someone tends to bring out those feelings, don't deal with them. It's like the arch-conservative co-worker I have who I used to play golf with. Well, by the time 18 holes were up I usually wanted to rip his head off. So I decided this year I wouldn't play golf with him. Paying hard-earned money to play when in the end I didn't enjoy it because of who I was playing with didn't make any sense.

Talking to XW either on the phone or by text about anything other than logistics just boils my blood right now. I need to get away from it until I can handle it.

On other fronts. Had drinks with a friend last night who said I should look into an MBA rather than a master's in statistics. I called a friend who got her MBA from a private college here in town rather than the state university 45 minutes away and she said, after factoring in travel, it was actually cheaper to get it from local college.

So there's more I need to check out. I have a firm goal to be back in grad school by fall of 2012.

[Drew]

CTH,

Rough spots are to be expected. You're only human and doing the best you can.

It's difficult to reconcile the "wanting to be on the same page" with "not being married to you."

All I can say is ---- time.

[ClingingToHope]

Drew, exactly. Now she wants to communicate?

Small, perhaps petty thing today. XW wants to put the house back on the market as a short sale. Even though I'll be washing my hands of the place in bankruptcy in August, I still have to sign papers.

So, I was going to take the girls to the Realtors office to sign the listing papers. But I was running late and it's on the other side of town and it's my vacation and I just didn't feel like it. So I didn't go.

Tomorrow, the girls and I leave for Minnesota. I'll swing by and sign the listing papers next week. One more weekend without the house on the market won't kill her. I noticed they already put the sign back up.

She needs another week to get it ready anyway. D8 rode her bike over there three times so I took a closer look. The yard is infested with weeds and dying. She hasn't trimmed the tall grass along the fence or house. She hasn't trimmed back the bushes.

It's a nice house that deserved better owners than we turned out to be. It is a lot to maintain, but it has sooooo much potential. That's why we bought it, wow, 13 years ago. It has no curb appeal in the state it's in though. Plus, short sales tax six months minimum anyway.

I continue to be torn on the house.

* I'd hate for her to be with another man there -- so I want her out.

* It's the only house the girls have ever known -- so I want them to stay.

* Selling the house is just another "finality" or thing for me to hold on to -- so I want her to stay.

* In her never ending search for happiness, or what keeps her from being happy -- now that the divorce is final she likely is saying to herself "if only I could sell this house. Then I'd be happy." So I want her to sell.

Side thing. My eHarmony account has about two weeks left and there were a few interesting women on there. Only one has struck up a conversation and she lives an hour away. It's nice exchanging emails, but honestly nothing will come of it.

[whatisis]

This time no running over the for sale sign!
I wanted my wife to keep the house because I couldn't afford to keep it and I wanted the girls to have that stability still in their life. It's hard and your mixed feelings are certainly understandable.