Unfortunately I have had to be part of / witness of more domestic violence situations than anyone should (which should be NONE).
My W was a victim of domestic violence and I was just getting to know her when we had to remove her from her house (with SD14) so that her partner could be removed and charged, and then later when he was allowed to go to the house and remove his personal affects.
I also have other friends who have been victim of domestic abuse...
So yes... you and your W need to charge the OM (uttering threats against you, to your W), uttering threats to your W, physical assault on your W. The cops WILL charge him, but it is better if he is also charged by your W.
AND you MUST get a restraining order on him and a no contact. He is likely to be released and he could very possibly retaliate. This is actually a CRITICAL time (the next week or so) for your W, yourself, AND your kids.
You should not feel you need to hide, but you also need to remove YOURSELF from the equation, because you are likely emotionally charged and willing to protect your W, for family, yourself and wait for him or even go after him.
YOU MUST NOT DO THIS!
You live in Canada here. Self defense is NOT a defense in court.
same thing happened to me last summer about the same time....
ML with my W at the time.......it was amazing, I couldn't believe it at the time......it was surreal.
Just 7 hours later, she turned on me, said I took advantage of her, tricked her etc. etc. etc.
All the while she was seeing the OM and basically had cheated on him too but did it with me........I bet this is more common than we might even know.
My point to you and to anyone else reading is that you really cannot begin to talk about reconciliation, the past, the present, the future......NOTHING..........
UNTIL
The OTHER PERSON is out of the picture and both people agree on it and have a plan in place to handle when contact occurs because it will occur.......always does.
Why is it that it must be this way? ( IN MY OPINION )
The OP is a violation on TRUST pure and simple.....forget the physical relationship for a moment.........what I have found that hurts people the most.........THE LIES.....
both spoken and unspoken both implied and unintentional both ommission and confession
they all hurt and any continuation will sabotage any reconciliation.
Even if you had not ML with your W and only talked and started to share feelings and thoughts and ideas........it still requires one major thing.......
TRUST
and when she left you she went to him and conversely you had planned to go be with your new woman.......it hurt you both because you both trusted each other again and with that trust came EXPECTATIONS.
When we ML with our spouses/partners it is the ultimate outward expression of TRUST that we place in the other person......we are at our most vulnerable at that point.......it is the one thing we share with only one other person.......that is why cheating is soooooo destructive to a relationship.
I think that the R your W has with the OM is now doomed......
she has pretty much wrecked that and it will implode....give it time.
Be prepared, there will be more outbursts from her......
handle them as you did before and you will be fine.
As for your new woman......that is probably done and really that is probably a good thing, but your W nor anyone else needs to know it........go dark and if your W asks about her then that would be an opportunity to respond to your wife in the following manner when it comes up.....
"The context in which your knowledge of my R with Ow or any other woman would matter is if you are no longer in a R with OM or any other man AND you are GENIUINELY interested in working on US. Until you have no one else in your life, it is simply not healthy for you to be involved in what I am doing and for me not to be involved in what you are doing..........it just causes us both unwanted pain. I am sure we can both agree on that."
And then stick to it.
Hope that helps!!
Cheers
why pretend 9 has any choice in this now? NO offense but
it's irrelevant if she's furious at him and not talking to him, don't you think?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Again everybody, I have read all the posts. I feel bad when I cant respond individually to everyones post personally but I dont have the energy at the moment. I know you wont take offence.
We got back from the Police Station and she is taking this remarkably well. She is crying from time to time but not as much as I would have thought. She may be in shock.
She is very concerned that I will not take her back and that in a couple of days, I will tell her sorry, but this is what you wanted so please go on by yourself.
I tell her that R talk is not necessary right now. I did ask her some questions about what he told me and she became very upset.
I told her i wasnt interrogating her but just want to know cause I am going to have to make a decision but not anytime soon.
I apologized to her and said lets not talk about R talk, lets just get you well and feeling safe. He is in jail right now but will probably be out on bail tomorrow. He is not to communicate with her in any way, texting including. He is not to be within 100ft of us , kids included or near my property.
I guess he was driving around looking for her yesterday when she came to my place and after she left, he was in my driveway for some reason apparently.
I am very lucky I didnt see him here because that would not have ended well.
Wife and I start making dinner, I make all the fixings for a stir fry and we have ribs. We arent talking much and she says,
W: I guess im pretty boring huh? Not exciting like young OW
M: NO , its good, its been a draining day.
W: What are you thinking, are you going to leave me? Just say its too much and not want me.
M: Lets not go there right now. I dont know what the future holds, if i cant forgive you, then there is no point
W: Can you forgive me for all I;ve put you through. YOu are the most amazing man I know .
M: All i care about right now is that you are safe and feel safe.
We do talk about some things that happened but just idle chit chat. Im not mad at anything that has happened. She does ask me alot about OW.
I tell her straight up that OW has many good qualities but one that she can never have. She isnt you. She isnt the mother of our children and we dont share a history. Lets just leave it alone ok.
We had a great dinner, she really enjoyed it and at lots. Her jaw was sore while she was chewing as she told me that which sent a bolt of anger through me.
We cleaned up together and she cleaned a little extra the places in the kitchen that men dont recognize as being dirty.
There is man clean and there is woman clean and she makes the place sparkle.
We went outside for a cigarette. She smokes and lately, I have just had a few puffs just for the hell of it. It just relaxes me.
And thats where we are at right now. We are going to have to take a long time IF Recon takes place. I told her about retrouville as well and she seemed very receptive to the concept.
I know its a long way down the road and we are going to have a tough tough go of it.
All I know is that we both want our family together again and that everything else is going to take lots of patience and work.
I told her that i always envisioned us getting old together and she teared up and said she thought of that always.
One thing she said that was strange to me was when she said she always felt like my wife. That she seemed like she was in this strange fantasy both good and bad that she could not escape.
But she always felt like she was Mrs 9.
I hope tomorrow is a calm day. Need to decompress a little.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Your W has literally hit the proverbial "Rock Bottom". She is a walking china vase right now and you need to just let her be.
If she needs to talk, just listen. No advice to her unless she flat out asks. Just leave her be and let her feel safe. Just shut up and listen.
After a few days suggest to her getting help with the Bi-Polar meds; she is going to need therapy for the abuse; and then a little later down the road, retroville(sp?).
SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!! Very slow 9. Proceed with caution.
Couple things I want to chime in here, 9. And I want to say you've done a FANTASTIC job. Very proud of you!
Originally Posted By: ninelives
... She may be in shock.
Yes. Very likely and likely to be that way for some time to come. And regardless of her bi-polar, this will pop up. I do recommend educating yourself on trauma related shock.
Originally Posted By: ninelives
...concerned that I will not take her back and that in a couple of days, I will tell her sorry, but this is what you wanted so please go on by yourself.
Are you sure? I certainly understand, take those couple days and make sure you are prepared to say that.
Originally Posted By: ninelives
He is not to be within 100ft of us , kids included or near my property.
Excellent. I know the 100ft does not sound like much, but it is considered a "safe" barrier, especially in small communities where it is difficult to not run into someone in day to day life.
She certainly had a lot of questions regarding whether you will "take her back" and whether she is "worthy" of you. These questions have likely been in her mind for some time, and now considering the sitch, they are paramount in her mind. She wants to feel safe. That's understandable.
Originally Posted By: ninelives
M: All i care about right now is that you are safe and feel safe.
Perfectly said.
Originally Posted By: ninelives
All I know is that we both want our family together again and that everything else is going to take lots of patience and work.
Maybe it's time to start doing a little reading regarding piecing.
I'm not saying that's the next step, but I understand that piecing can be consider HARDER than getting through the initial breakup and detaching, etc...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understand that both your W and you will be going through HUGE emotion over this for the next few days. I know exactly what it is like. There were so many times that I just wanted to "take care of the problem" and make it go away. You know... "fix" it...
Physical violence is a horrible, horrible feeling. While having something stolen from you feels bad, physical violence is so much more an "invasion of privacy" and primitive emotions stir up.
All the emotions one goes through (and I also recommend reading up on the effects of domestic violence, to those who are offended; your W, yourself) include (as your wife said) guilt, as though somehow she deserved it, anger, a deep sense of violation, dirtiness, just SOOO much.
Your kids are likely to find out about this as well. So be prepared they may want to talk to someone about this. Consider counseling for EVERYONE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I cannot tell the future, but I do believe that you are in a strong position for R, if you choose it.
Be careful...
When my W and I started having feelings for each other, it was just prior to the admission that her partner was abusive. Once that came out, I was there for her through the whole process.
Understand that AT THE TIME, I did not feel like I was rescuing her. I would have done that for ANYONE. Yet, there was certainly a "bond" that was created through all of it.
I am not saying that it was false love that I felt for her, afterwards. Love is a choice, and I chose to love my W. And I DO NOT regret it. In the same time, I chose to love her at the point where there was emotional trauma and recovery. I do not know what that means... It is just what it is...
Just some thoughts from me...
Unfortunately, I do not just know about domestic violence, I also have gone through a sexual abuse event, as well. That's just as ugly... time infinity... regarding the emotions...
Thankfully, this is where you and your W are at, now.
I have lost friends to domestic violence (in one case; a murder / suicide). One murder was specifically regarding an affair...
I could watch this or other topics here with an air of... detachment... like I'm watching some crime show on TV, or some movie... and I know the harsh realities of it...
