I am the devil....

[ericmsant2]

Tad,

25 years with someone is a long time. She was my best friend.

It is man…and I do understand….
Re your response to what is detachment to YOU….

I’m not exactly sure

Is it that you are not sure or it hurt too much to look at it?
IMO, once the pain begins to subside a little more you will realize what and why one must detach. You see often we approach detachment as a form of punishment for her and even for you for that matter. It is not. It really is what you need to do in order to begin to heal and heal is what YOU need to do for YOU.

for the first time I am seeing it without her in it. Not really sure if I like it.

You may not like seeing it without her….that does not mean that YOU do not have to live your life NOT LIKING what you see. Your future is YOURS Tad – not hers – yours.

I don't believe she is. If she is, she sure does hide it well.

She is dude…..she is…I thought the SAME thing for a long time. Except now I can see it….know why? “Cause I feel a peace and my actions and thoughts follow suit…she on the other hand…is what I would call “quietly frustrated”…I can see it in her eyes. She knows what she is doing is not right – I can see the internal struggle inside her. Think about it for a sec. DO YOU HONESTLY think that she is going to show you her unhappiness? She is not. It is hidden buddy and FTR, I felt the SAME WAY you did….until…..I started to heal and really grow….until…I started to find my own happiness…..until….
I drop the f*cking rope!

Right now buddy it is all about getting a job man. I've been out of work since March

Good luck dude! Don’t give up.

Scared sh!tless.

Face that F*cker dude….face it…you really will be better off once you do!
In terms of the “finding a way to be happy without your wife” comment from MHL…Think of it this way….when you are really happy with yourself (maybe not your circumstances but yourself) you will exude a level of happiness, strength, and if you will….a “light” that will be visible to others. It is this that YOUR wife may become attracted to again. Unfortunatly to find this light for yourself…in many cases requires you to go thru hell and back so that you finally get to a place where you let go…let go of the M, let go of the fears, let go of everything that deep down inside you KNOW that you are holding on to. You allow yourself to be free. In short, you step off the rollercoaster ride.

Finally, I told her that I would just have my attorney (I don't have one) contact her.

Games will not work buddy. It is manipulative if ya ask me. Oh and by the way…why keep texting her? Why keep allowing her to dictate what you need to do for you and the kids. Look dude, IMO, a simple please give me the information would have sufficed. If she did not, then I would have headed down to “vital records” or something like that and/or figured out a way to get copies.

Why does she think that I am so evil?

Why did God put ti*ts on a cow? Who knows why she feels your are so evil AND FTR, she probably needs to justify her own actions. When you let go…it will not matter anymore to you why she feels the way she does because you will come to really accept that she just does. Are you evil?
Tad…you have lot of chit that you are dealing with and my heart goes out to you.
Know this…..

IT WILL GET BETTER

WHEN…..




YOU WANT IT TO

WHICH YOU WILL WANT TO WHEN…

YOU LET GO OF HER AND BEGIN TO LIVE….

FOR YOU

It takes a fews action…..

CHOOSE IT…

Then

COMMIT TO IT..

Finally….

DO IT.


God Bless,
Eric

[AJM]

Well said Eric. Very well said.


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks guys. I haven't posted much lately because there really isn't much new with me. I continue to look for work. I spent 23 years on the radio and now I am finding that I'm not really qualified to do anything. I keep looking though.

Things are getting easier for me. I'm not as depressed and hung up on W as I was.

I would like to hear from the vets though because I've noticed a change in her. She had her surgery to end her monthly periods about three weeks ago. I've noticed the following changes in her in the last two weeks: She is being nicer to me. She has contacted my mom to let her know how her surgery went. She is not spending as much time with OM,but still communicates with him. She is more interested in our sons again. S18 even made the comment that she is starting to seem like her old self. She is checking out my Facebook page almost on a daily basis and even lookin at my friends' pages. She has asked questions about me.

Here is where I need help:

COULD SHE BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE OF HER SURGERY?

COULD SHE BE SOFTENING ME UP BECAUSE THE DIVORCE IS COMING UP?

IS SHE COMING AROUND?

COULD IT BE BECAUSE OF MEDICATION?

Trust me, things are still bad, but different. I've just noticed these things and thought that I would run it by the pros. What could it mean?

Thoughts?

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

COULD SHE BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE OF HER SURGERY?

COULD SHE BE SOFTENING ME UP BECAUSE THE DIVORCE IS COMING UP?

IS SHE COMING AROUND?

COULD IT BE BECAUSE OF MEDICATION?

Your asking intentionally vague questions.

Any question prefaced with could will have an answer: Yup!

unless its could 4+4 = 9?

And...why yes it could in some other universe, theoretical math ; )

Is she coming around?

From experience and reading alot from others, the MLCer will reconnect with others (children, friends, family) before they try to reconnect with you.

My take on it?

The more likely reason?

Things are getting easier for me. I'm not as depressed and hung up on W as I was.

Less about surgery and pills, I think.

[ericmsant2]

Tad

My experience has been that sometime when they"feel" that you have accepted their choices....it helps them to feel a bit more comfortable approaching and dealing with you.

IMO, that is all it is.

That said, when you stop looking at her, stop trying to read every interaction, hang on every word and every look.....you will really begin to heal.

Finally you said that not much has changed and that is why you have not posted.

Are only going to post changes in and/or about her OR are you....no...no...better yet when are you going to start posting about changes in you? What feelings are you having? What are you learning aboutyourself? What fears are you facing? What goals are you working forwards (beside the job search).....focus on you tad.....stop checking her temp, stop trying to look for a sign. You will now when and if she moves toward you.

Oh.....and one more thing.....

Stop thinking that something you do will snap her as* out of it. Let go Tad

It's scary.....

It hurts.....

It seems counterproductive.....

It may feel like you are giving up.....

It may feel like you have lost.....lost her.....

Chances are that she will pull away...then forward...then away.....

Guess what.....

Becoming the man you have always wanted to be ....

Will set you free....and will set her free....

When that happens....

Well....anything can happen at that point....cause you are both Free...

Free from the past....free from the pain....free to learn who you are.

Eric

[TRUSTING]

How I view this whole MLC mess is nothing really means anything until they come to you and ask to return to the family. I don't know about others, but I am through analyzing every action, interaction, and behavior. All of the assessing the ML'er is a waste of precious time where you could be focusing on positive things and moving ahead with individual goals.

[direction1]

Good advice Eric. I love sifting through other posts to learn and learn again and again. Man, the letting go is soooo...tricky.

Most on here can attest that they thought they let go countless times, until they really make the shift-there's no question.

[AJM]

Hmm.. Lots of good advice.

Some of what I see? I see that you are paying too close attention to her. Understandable, but counterproductive. Jack was right when he pointes out (yes, I sometimes wonder if the sky will fall when I agree with Jack (just kidding)) that you don't have any way to know what it "means". So let me add to that: it means something happened in a point in time. At that moment, she felt like doing something and did it. Did she change? Not really. She is still doing what she feels at that moment. And that feeling can and likely will change again. And again. And again.

The best advice you received? Let go. When you are both free of the pain (remember you are radioactive to her) things can be different. Until then, you can only worry about you and boys.

As for the job? I beg to differ. In that 23 years, you did something you enjoyed. But you learned many things along the way. You aren't seeing it at the moment and you may be feeling overwhelmed by the terms and job app process and rejection. It happens. My advice for that? Pick something you want to do and work towards it. Remember what it was like to work towards a goal and not be deterred? Find that again. If you are unsure what that is, then explore different things until you find what you like. It's fun if you change your mind set

Hang in there Tad. I know from experience that changes in the spouse can cause you to reel. Spin. That's an indication you are not letting go enough. You need to. Really. Believe me, if you do not, it will tear you up worse than before.

You are radioactive to her. Let her do what she needs to do without your oversight. Let go and just leave things to be how they turn out. Be ok with the results any which way they turn out and when they turn out. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

Take care and let us know how the kids are and what you are working towards.

Good to hear from you

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Today has been the roughest day I've had in a while. Is that normal to backslide like this?

Sometimes I feel like just giving up.

Kids are fine, but they seem to really despise her sometimes. I can tell just by comments that they make.

I am working towards getting a new place, but of course I can't do that until I get an income. Still looking for a job. I adopted a cat this week too. I've never been much of a cat person, but I've noticed that I like them more the older I get. I've also decided to go back to school. It has to wait until Spring though. I have to get my life in order first.

Am I an idiot for saying that I forgive her? That I love her and would take her back?

Why is she so frickin' DONE? I just don't get it.

From what I can tell, she has been in Replay mode for about a year now. How long does this sh!t last?

THE BIG QUESTION IS....

Why does it seem like when we do have a decent interaction, she seems to pull further away? Shouldn't it work the other way around?

I can't believe that she could love me so much and now thinks that I am so terribe.

S16 was telling me that in her office at work, she has a picture frame with about 6 pictures in it. I am in one of them. Of course, there is a post it note over my picture so she doesn't have to see me.

Get the 2x4's.........

I did something today that I shouldn't have.

I checked out her FB page. She has new pictures up of a barbecue she went to on July 4th. I did a double take when I saw a picture of her. It didn't even look like her. S18 saw it and said at first he thought she "looked like something out of a horror movie." No kidding. Those were his exact words.

Know what hurt me the most though? She finally removed my pictures. All pictures of me are gone and the entire album of a vacation we took are also gone. I guess she really is done.

Now I know what you are going to tell me. "Let go Tad." I know. I really do. I'm not letting go enough.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me for still feeling the way I do. I thought this would be easier.

I feel like I am going in circles. Screw the rollercoaster....I am on a merry-go-round.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

Not a good day at all.

Tad

[Truegritter]

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me for still feeling the way I do. I thought this would be easier.

Why would it be easy?

You have had a whole life with this woman.

Tad?

That is in the past and right now is when you have to try to forget that for a while.

Why?

Because it is killing you.

When you have a memory and it brings you down you have to stop.

STOP!

There will be a time when you can revisit them without the pain it causes you now.

Stop watching your W. Let her go.

The sooner you do the better your life will be.

We chase that which runs away from us.

You are something more than Tad & wife.

Step toward that and realize it.

It the only way out of this place Tad.