Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[LearningPatience]

I've been away for a few days, so this is the first chance I got to catch up. Wow! is about all I can say.

I think BTM is right on the darkness pact, it will do *you* a world of good. I don't think I'll be joining you on this, at least until next week, but I'll support you however I can.

[Brian in Hville]

9...I haven't talked to you in a while but please allow me to say a few things. I don't think anything you did with your W was wrong. You both had a long overdue conversation that showed just how much passion is still there. I understand that her being with OM is killing you, but I guess for me, I would be willing to let that go a little longer if I thought there might be some hope. I know both you and Denver bring it up a lot and I'm sure as guilty as they feel for doing what they are doing, talking about it only makes things worse. If you would have ended the communication with her after she left the house, I really think you would have some renewed hope and strength. My 2X4 to you is that you kept pursuing. She told you she wasn't ready to talk about leaving him yet. If she is the kind that needs to be in control, then she isn't going to leave OM because YOU are asking. It really does need to be on her terms. My advice to you is this. Keep going out with your OW. Go dark with your W. She will eventually contact you again to try to pull you back. If she didn't care for you, then I really don't think you would have gotten such a strong reaction from her. If her reaction would have been, "whatever", that's when I would think SHE was done.

Take some time to sort through your feelings. You have learned a few new things about your W and what she wants. Think about how you felt while you were ML to her and what you are willing to put up with to eventually get that back. She showed you some flashes of what she was and could be again.

I may be way off base with my comments, but that is how I feel. I want the best for you 9.

Brian

[aeolianchaos]

Im at my school getting my cleats, I call her as I have been thinking about the course of the day and How really , nothing was settled and she wants me to wait for her to come back to family but not really to wait. Its confusing. She is going to continue with OM.

I call.

M: Ive been thinking about today, and Im not sure what that was all about. Im sorry, Im out. I cant keep waiting for you while you are with om.

Yeah. I can see how this might have been perceived negatively by her.

I'm going to throw this out there, and I mean no insult to your W: She seems to have some real issues w/ self-esteem and perhaps for her sexual access is a way that she raises her sense of self worth?

She also seems to be more comfortable in the angry-victim role. She clearly took this very personally that you would pull back after what happened. It seems like she defaulted to a position of being the victim and its where she feels safest.

Her tirades indicate a lot more to me about her personal unresolved issues than they indicate about you. She really seems to flip that switch quite quickly and I can only imagine the kind of internal suffering she is trying to cope with.

Would the best in 9lives choose to be more compassionate towards that? What does that look like? Even if you really never have anything to do w/ each other again?

But yeah, keep that kind of unchecked rage away from your kids - its really not the best thing for them to deal with.

[Redo]

9 i took a break from the forums this weekend. Just caught up with your sitch. Wow is my reaction. I never thought some of those swearwords could be used in those combination.

But secondly, you should have realized that moment things between you guys were swinging 180, that a rollercoaster was about to start. I am telling this with my own experience. When that happens, you can keep your sanity by getting off and watching it with patience.

Secondly, dont engage the OM in convo. He does not even deserve the decency of your convo with him. By talking to him and prolonging that convo, you are just giving him the respect he does not deserve.

Third, you were worried that OM might tell your new friend. Let him. Does that mean you are less of a man? Nope you are not. Take a look at yourself.
1: You have a job.
2: You have recognized your mistakes in your marriage and you are on these forums trying to turn a page
3: You have the courage and love and compassion to love your woman even though she has hurt you.
4: You are being a good dad to your kids.

All this takes b*lls. You have to proud of who you are and what you are becoming. So if your new friend cannot see through the BS that OM dished out, then know that you have something better out there for you.

As for your interaction with your W, take a break. Set a goal for your interaction. Plan the steps like a game. And execute them. And dont let circumstances change the outcome.

[♪CS♪]

Lordy lordy lordy....

Well 9, one thing that can certainly be said of life.

It is interesting.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

9,

She certainly knows what buttons to push to get your goat.

As for the OM, I doubt she was going to tell him that she went willingly or that it was her decision.

As for her reaction, it does seem like she has feelings for you. A person does't normally react that poorly over someone they don't care about. But what tangled feelings she has.

Since you brought my name up ; )

I was...as dark as one can get with shared bills and two boys.

When she did come around, when I felt it was for real, the condition I put down for MY involvement was that the OM was out of her life. (It wasn't that easy, but that she was not initiating any contact and that she told me when he did...blah blah blah small print)

The potential problem I see 9, is even if she did come back giving up the OM (with small print attached) where does that leave your new girl? I am not judging you on this, not at all, and if anyone does I hope that your shoes fit them nicely on their walk. Your decision will be affected by her proximiety. (sp?)

[2stepboogie]

Well one thing I can say with complete confidence.

You keep it interesting.

Now where do we go from here?

The million dollar question...........

Nowhere!

You are NOT in the process of reconciliation or anything alike. It is funny just when things start to look up something like this happens. It does not matter, you know what does matter? How you handle it from now on.

Awhile ago Sandi said your W might have some health issues and you were getting sucked in. I agreed with her then, I agree with her even more now.

The trigger for your W was exactly what I have been telling you it was. MOVE on and she goes NUTS!

After what has happened to do you stop?

Do you get sucked in to the drama?

Do you feel guilt?

The answer to all the above is NO.

YOU need to completely disconnect from this nonsense and continue to live your life and you need to stay DARK! Not for some trick but because you have to. For YOUR sanity and well being.

The reality of the sitch is that SHE is living with OM, she has dated him for a year, when she has mental breakdowns she comes to you or lashes out at you and you TAKE it.

I do have some 2x4's for you and it is that you continued to pursue after the fact. Proof......

Then I ask her if we can ML

So now what?

So now nothing. You both fell into the moment and my friend trust I am not criticizing AT ALL because I would have done the same thing, hell I tried when I was in OK.

9 I want you to save this thing I again I tell you, it can be. I see a lot of hope for you BUT not until you walk away completely and MOVE on.

IF/When she turns around you will know and then YOU can decide what you want to do.

You know all the pain you have been in. Guess what? I imagine the pain of having to decide to take your W back when that time comes after you have moved on will be as bad or even worse. That is the way I imagine it to be.

For the meantime you need to continue to heal and any more contact with her will only hurt you and hurt her. If it involves the kids I say respond, in a timely manner not right away.

9 you have been to hell and back but you need to put 9 and the kids first. She has her own issues to worry about and you CANNOT save her from herself.

As long as OM is in the picture there is nothing to talk about.

Stop setting yourself up for failure by ML to her and asking question to which you are not ready to hear the answers to.

LET HER COME TO YOU

LET HER SEEK YOU OUT

In the meantime continue to live your life. OW sounds pretty cool. GO have some fun. Don't rub it in you W's face. Always be kind, loving and compassionate but do not get sucked in the drama.

She has made her choices

So now it is time for you to make yours.

The kids and 9, that is it.

The minute she sees you slipping away she throws a temper tantrum and you are there to help her along. Then you end feeling like crap for a few days after all the progress you think you have made.


One more thing........

Next time OM approaches you just politely tell him

9: OM. I would recommend that you go back to washing dishes or flipping burgers before I kick your ass right off this fking planet

And be on your way.

[ninelives]

Let me say this just so that we are all on the same page:

IM NOT MAKING THIS SHT UP:

If possible, things just got weirder.

Sorry Im not responding to all your responses. You know that I am reading them but the scenarios keep changing so quickly that Im not sure what advice to take at this point.

So, I am home from my confrontation with OM piece of dung and I just got off the phone with OW. We have made tentative plans to do something, Taco Tuesday or something like that.

I thought I heard my Wife's voice. And sure enough, she is in my house.

Im thinking, what are you doing here since you have avoided all my texts and I am SOOOOOO Done with you. Just another blast of crap im going to get from her im sure.

Can I talk to you she says to me, outside on the deck.

M: Sure, what else is there to say, but Im game, let the circus continue, .

She Takes off her shades and shows me a hell of a shiner and pulls up her shirt and displays one mother of a bruise by her shoulders.

W: Do you see what he did to me?

M: THat effing piece of sht did this to you?

W: I told him about what happened yesterday and he lost it.

M: Im going to his work place right now.

( I take three steps towards the end of the deck and I am shaking like a mofo, I say something like he is in for a world of hurt)

W: NOOOOOOOOO, stop, I want to call the police.

Again , i dont remember exactly what went down as I am in whirlwind mood.

I make another few advances to the stairs and stop. I come back .

M: He needs to be beaten. He needs to feel what that feels like.

W: Lets let the police take care ofit.

W: I was at a friends house after and she said I should call the police.

M: Ok , well call them .

She seems reluctant.

W: IM afraid to do so . What do I have to say. I caused him to do this. I told him we slept together and the madder he got, i told him that you forced yourself on me so that he wouldnt be so mad, but he would not calm down. I lost count how many times he hit me and then he threw me down. Ripped off my pj's and panties and dragged me to the bathroom.

He threw me in the tub and was on top of me, threatening to hit me with his fists. He poured juice on my head as well. I thought he was going to kill me. I seriously thought I was dead.

M: Has this happened before.

W: ONce, but not as severe. He told me that if i ever left him that he would harm me and if you were the cause, he was going to kill you.

M: That effing punk. If he was so plsseed off at me, he would have taken a swing at me downtown today when I was in front of him but he's not a man is he. He wont fight men. Mark my words, he needs a beating.

W: Then you go to jail right? How smart is that>

M: I cant believe he did this to you.

( I am shaking from anger, I want to go down and feed him his nuts)

W: Me either, I knew he would be upset and that was my way out.

M: What? You planned this?

W: I wanted out and I told him if he ever touched me again, that I would leave him.

M: That makes no sense. You could have just left him period and come back to me and our family.

W: No, I needed to do it this way.

M: Well obvuiously I dont want to upset you further, but that is not a normal way of thinking.

W: I know Im a little crzy. I dont think rational.

M: Okay, well call the police

W: What do you think they will do ?

M: Arrest him, thats what. You still care for him dont you, you dont want to see him go down.

W: NO i dont care for him. I havent for some time but i needed to do this my way. Im just not sure if calling the police is the answer.

M: Either you call the police on him or its going to be on me cause Im going down there and they will have to arrest me.

W: I cant but i want you to do it please. Im to shaky right now.

M: OK, give me the phone.

I report it, the police officer is a former student. We are instructed to get there by 11:30. She gets videotaped upstairs with her statement and i give mine downstairs.

Police instruct me to go downtown for a coffee and they are goint to pick him up. I go downtown and sit in a bistro seat a safe distance away from the hotel, I dont want to miss him coming out in cuffs. Police go in the front , but they take him out the side, I see them drive by with him in the back.

I dont feel great with what happened to my wife but poetic justice is served.

I walk back to the car where my wife is there talking to the police. Last minute details and then we go to my place.

She tells me that she wants to come back and has wanted to for some time but he kept threatening her and terrorizing her that if she left him , he would hurt her.

I say

M: I understand that your life is in turmoil right now but I cant just rescue you as much as I would like to .

W: I understand, are you going to keep seeing that girl?

FOlks Im drained, I will finish this up another time.

9

[FaithnAK]

By all means take a break and get your head straight. This is going to get better.

This is unbelievable. I can't believe this douche hit her, what a pos.

[~ kd ~]

First 9, you absolutely did the right thing calling the cops and not talking justice in your own hands.

Obviously that was the "he has something over me" thing she did not want to tell you.

On anything else... maybe she wanted to come back earlier and was scared... and maybe not...

slow and steady.

Get a restraining order and no contact on the OM for you and the W and the kids. Contact a shelter for the W if necessary.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but right now, bringing her back into the home is probably not the way to do this. If she has a place to be, and to be safe from OM, that's what's needed.

Then, you and your W can discuss the next steps...