Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

“resignation”, “destitute”, “scrambling”, “carrying the full load”…these words/quotes are all self defeating if ya ask me

It's reality Eric. Nothing more. Honor, pride, empowered...no I don't feel that. I am 49 years old, and I was a homeschooling, full time mother for many years. You do the employment possibilities on that Eric.
It's just a duty I owe. I have no doubt that I can do what is required of me, at least so we survive.

Now you say you are not angry…allow me to explain why I (from my perspective) saw anger….
You are not angry because he can’t see that you are a good friend?
You are not angry because he is not your friend even though you love him and have done all of…..
This ^^^^ work? You’re not angry that he cannot see it?

No I just feel disappointment,sadness and grief.

And you are not angry that he does not see your character or see that you have accepted that you still need to be more compassionate?
And YOUR not angry because you have had to deal with the unexpected AND you are not coping with it well.

I don't understand how he can "know" my character and still reject me as utterly as he has. I don't think that understanding will come. I'm bewildered,uncomprehending, disbelieving.
Intellectually I know it's more about him than me.

Chit….I was really pissed when I tried to recover a marriage and was unable. Really pissed. I guess you are not though.

No, what I am is ineffably sad, grieving, disillusioned, and feeling desolate.

Funny…I used to say to myself that I wanted to be “victorious” when I was really angry. When the anger began to subside…my words changed. “Fair” become more of my focus. No one wins here SC. IMO, only people that are ANGRY feel they need to win. My STBXW wants to WIN….know why? ‘Cause she is angry with herself.

That's you Eric. When I use the word victorious I mean successful. I thought I could be a success at DB'ing our marriage. Successful as restoring what was lost.
There is no win here.

And WHEN I realized that OM was more important than me (at least in her eyes but not mine)…when I FELT that my self respect, esteem, everything about myself was thrown to the floor and stomped on…well I was not just angry….I WAS IN A RAGE…but maybe that is me SC…maybe you are NOT angry.

No because I realise I did that to myself. Granted his behaviour started that tearing down of self.
Silence and refusal to resolve conflict is abusive to a woman. I also know and have compassion for the fact that is how he learned to deal with his own abuse as child. He knows no other way to engage.

SC, my only point is that in order for you to go through this…anger will need to be felt. You can mask it, tuck it away, ignore it, do whatever it is you feel you need to do to NOT feel it BUT FEEL it you must.

Oh I have been angry. Furiously hot, I have acted on it too in reflex. Written the nasty texts, said hurtful words, tried to make him fell as badly as I do.
I've taken my anger to the dojo, tried to burn it out in hard physical exertion. In self abusive behaviours, in punishing myself.

Now I have learned to get under it and address and understand the underlying source of it, reassuring myself daily I am worthy, worthwhile and a person of value. Taking care of me the best way I can.

So Eric..now what?

Honest – that is good. Can you be totally honest with yourself? If you can and you can look past the pain and hurt right now. Can you be…compassionate towards your H? Can you be thoughtful towards him? I am not suggesting that you become a doormat. Not at all. Can you be compassionate? What is compassion to You?

I believe I am compassionate to my STBX ( I won't call him my H. anymore, he's not, that's over and I realise he has not been that to me for a long time now.) I know he's hurting, confused, and really just trying to get through the day.

I have been flexible and accomodating. Pleasant and polite. I do my utmost to keep my fat mouth shut most of the time and stay away from R talk. Most times I succeed other times not.

Has he filed yet?

No, he has not filed yet. I have told him if he wants this divorce, I won't resist but I won't help either.