Wife txt me about pick up for Sunday (kids. Asked if I prefer txt over email..said "yes." This way I can be brief and dark. Told her about D orthodontist appt. next week and that I waould take her..D is almost ready for braces and W already asked if we are splitting the bill. She said before the appt. we need to have a discussion--not sure what exactly..did not reply to her.
GAL tonight and going to a wedding reception and believe I am about to remove my wedding band..big step but need to act as if, right? I do love her but she's on a mission and so am I
Took my wedding band off last night. Wasn't sure how I would feel about that. Hurt at first, but then it actually felt pretty good, weird. Thought I'd wein off of the ring but now, I don't want to put it back on! WOW either gets all or none of me, liberating.
Had good time at relative's wedding last night, GAL. Today, picking up the 4 kids for the day taking them to a kids festival and doing whatever they want, fun! I guess the wedding band inadvertantly serves as a 180, huh?
Hey- Back when we were in mc, w said she "was afraid of me emotionally." I was dumbfounded and went the route of "I'm so nice to u, loving, affectionate, etc., I believe it stems from me being "short" with w the last year and snapping/quick emotioned. Never hit w or the kids physically but have owned that I have been snappy the past year and think the stressor was finances in my business, her parents being overbearing, and just feeling a lot of pressure that usually wasn't there
Having said that, as many know, when getting blindsided in mc, we feel attacked and whenever I would stand up for myself I think w would connect that assertiveness with the behaviors she wants to get rid of. The past few years I have taken the lead with the kids because her job is more stable with benefits and I consult with more flexibility built in..mutual decision. And now uses that against me as not contributing enough financially. Like she re-wrote the story her way, crazy.
Not sure what else I can do now, AK. been dark/dim for a couple weeks and pre-trial is next week. And..w looks sooo freakin' good, lately! Killing me slowly, my word..
A wedding ring is a symbol of commitment. Do you still feel committed to this woman, despite the road she has chosen to travel?
Are you here because you are still hoping to see your marriage eventually be restored?
My advice would be to stop STRATEGIZING and start being GENUINE. I doubt you will find a woman on this site that would tell you that a confident and genuine man is NOT attractive.
The one message that is the hardest to receive when you are at this point in a marriage crisis is that YOU CANNOT make her change her mind.
Nothing you can say. Nothing you can do.
And words suck the most. She doesn't want to hear about your love, your changes, your devotion, what YOU want...none of it. For heavens sake, STOP telling her these things.
I'm not sure if you ever had a tight childhood friendship that at some point in time was fractured. If so, then you probably can remember what you did to heal it.
You didn't write letters or make phone calls proclaiming your undying friendship.
You didn't send unsolicited tokens of your affection.
You certainly didn't take opportunity to prove your rightness and their wrongness - or to try to explain away your faults - or to tell them how you were changing day by day.
You left them alone. If you were wrong, you sucked it up and decided (INSIDE) to do better next time.
You approached them cautiously by kindly. You didn't try to talk about the fracture in the relationship. You just tried to make sure that the time you were together was a good one and an HONEST one.
Eventually time healed the wound.
True friendship is rarely lost forever.
You are fighting for your wife to return to the marriage. You are fighting for your wife to love you again.
You should be doing everything you can to redeem YOURSELF and hope that in the process your wife might want to be friends again.
Not because your goal is friendship.
Because you can't truly love someone you wouldn't want for a friend.
You're in the typical newcomer's rut.
Reading her, making changes that are possibly superficial because they are all motivated by your desire for HER instead of your desire to BECOME BETTER.
It's hard, I know.
But it's a trap nonetheless.
Divorce is a painful word and and a frightening prospect. It was/is for all of us. But you can't deal with this out of your fear.
Sorry, I'm not trying to bring you down. I just see you heading down a path that others have tried over and over again. It brings us momentary relief because we love finding positives.
The best work is far less glamorous. And it's hard, because it's about taking responsibility for your own life. It's about reclaiming the man you were when your wife first fell in love with you. It's about focusing on YOU instead of her or the marriage. In fact it precludes you being able to focus on her or the marriage.
That makes it scary.
That's what makes it effective.
Stop trying to reach her and you just might begin to reach her.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Wow this post hit me in the right place.. I think when we start out we get confused.. We are supposed act as if.. our heart wants to just be where we were when there wasnt pain. Acting as if often means moving on and how can you do that if you want your marriage.
It is all a big puzzle for each person to figure out how to put together.. The picture at the end is the surprise but you cant get that ending if you dont put in the work.
It is also a gamble on whether or not you are getting the picture you hope for. However I think the work being done is the key maybe not the picture..
I wonder if anyone has been through this program that hasnt stumbled and backslid? I doubt it.. I thought in the beginning I might be able to do that I was lying to myself.. Not just about backsliding but about actually putting in the work..
My poiht is I agree that no amount of words or tears will change their mind. Honesty with yourself and working on your own issues seems to be the best.. at least for me..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
A wedding ring is a symbol of commitment. Do you still feel committed to this woman, despite the road she has chosen to travel?
Are you here because you are still hoping to see your marriage eventually be restored?
My advice would be to stop STRATEGIZING and start being GENUINE. I doubt you will find a woman on this site that would tell you that a confident and genuine man is NOT attractive.
The one message that is the hardest to receive when you are at this point in a marriage crisis is that YOU CANNOT make her change her mind.
Nothing you can say. Nothing you can do.
And words suck the most. She doesn't want to hear about your love, your changes, your devotion, what YOU want...none of it. For heavens sake, STOP telling her these things.
I'm not sure if you ever had a tight childhood friendship that at some point in time was fractured. If so, then you probably can remember what you did to heal it.
You didn't write letters or make phone calls proclaiming your undying friendship.
You didn't send unsolicited tokens of your affection.
You certainly didn't take opportunity to prove your rightness and their wrongness - or to try to explain away your faults - or to tell them how you were changing day by day.
You left them alone. If you were wrong, you sucked it up and decided (INSIDE) to do better next time.
You approached them cautiously by kindly. You didn't try to talk about the fracture in the relationship. You just tried to make sure that the time you were together was a good one and an HONEST one.
Eventually time healed the wound.
True friendship is rarely lost forever.
You are fighting for your wife to return to the marriage. You are fighting for your wife to love you again.
You should be doing everything you can to redeem YOURSELF and hope that in the process your wife might want to be friends again.
Not because your goal is friendship.
Because you can't truly love someone you wouldn't want for a friend.
You're in the typical newcomer's rut.
Reading her, making changes that are possibly superficial because they are all motivated by your desire for HER instead of your desire to BECOME BETTER.
It's hard, I know.
But it's a trap nonetheless.
Divorce is a painful word and and a frightening prospect. It was/is for all of us. But you can't deal with this out of your fear.
Sorry, I'm not trying to bring you down. I just see you heading down a path that others have tried over and over again. It brings us momentary relief because we love finding positives.
The best work is far less glamorous. And it's hard, because it's about taking responsibility for your own life. It's about reclaiming the man you were when your wife first fell in love with you. It's about focusing on YOU instead of her or the marriage. In fact it precludes you being able to focus on her or the marriage.
That makes it scary.
That's what makes it effective.
Stop trying to reach her and you just might begin to reach her.
B- Just saw this, now. Just outstanding, I am grateful. It really made me think about all the "strategy" I've been conducting. Much because, I think, "trying to get it right" and feeling I need to do the program correctly. But is "it" ya know? I need to get right in my heart.
In reality, I still need to be genuine and me...just a better version. So, the changes do need to happen. Be the man I know I am. He's a great guy!
