It makes me sad that I failed to HEAR her, and even when I posted that I don't think I really grasped it. It was too much to deal with too fast! Although I did try and intended my positive changes to be permanent, she made mention that I only changed when she threatened to leave. I would agree some things may not have changed had she stayed, because I was blind until my pain caused me to reflect, and eventually SEE. Even now I notice things I didn't before!
I did control the money, and there was a time I was really focused on building a family, planning for the future... I thought I was providing well! I did pay off the house, 2 cars, maxed out both IRAs, started saving for kids college. I had no idea then, I'd be here today... I should have! Being responsible for the money stressed me out alot and I did ask W many times to take over, so I could just take a break from it... I got to the point I HATED sitting down to look at money... She refused... So I maintained "control". In 2008 I began to see how blinded by saving I had become... I began to realize what was REALLY important, so I did save less, decreased IRA contributions, more trips, spent more, did not flip out about money she spent. I think the damage was done at that point and again everything I did was probably viewed as temporary and as a result of her threats to go.
What I meant by enough of this was I had literally spent years addressing her concerns, one after another after another (just describing how I felt then) I felt pushed to my limit... Like a doormat... I just felt that last demand was the last straw... I don't think it was so much about the help... I felt weak! I felt I had to stand up to her at some point... I felt as she probably did or does now. So I said enough! Looking back... I wish I had tried that... I would feel better now having tried EVERYTHING. To hear you say getting help reduced conflict in your house by 80%... WOW! I screwed up big! I made SO MANY mistakes... I have ALOT of regret. I can't beat myself up though... I won't... I am human and I did REALLY try hard... I'm still trying!
I missed the red flares... I just kept telling myself she's having a breakdown... I'll do all I can and it will pass. It was never my intention to trap my W into staying by having any of the kids, I wanted them because I loved the idea of a big family as soon as I saw my first precious baby... I was hooked. There was a time, months before she left that she mentioned she thought of quitting her job to focus on us and our family. I'm not sure now if she really meant it or not or just testing me... Idk... Doesn't matter now. I told her I was flattered that she would do that for us because I know how hard she worked to get there and how happy she was being at work instead if home all day with kids. I know how her mind changes alot, so I suggested she think about it, whatever she wanted to do was fine by me. I did mention that if she was unsure of our relationship, quitting her job may not be a wise choice because you wouldn't have the financial means to leave, and I didn't want her to stay with me because she had no choice... I wanted her to stay because she loved me. So no I did not want to trap her. I just figured she didn't want another right then... I could have been fine with 3, but sometimes she would come to me and say ok I'll do it, so I thought she had thought it through.
I know very well how it feels to live the life my W did when I was working alot. I've been overwhelmed myself for many years. I'm now alone mostly living that exhausting life. I feel for her now that I've experienced it. This will be my life for a very long time, I'm fine with it... I knew what I was getting into... I love my babies and I'm willing to sacrifice myself and even a chance at a relationship for them.
I should have hired a housecleaner! I won't make that mistake again... It's just me now, so I deal with it. In a future relationship, I will be getting one long before having to be asked.
Just a question... It bothers me a bit. I realize my mistakes and I'm not making excuses I just wanna know how you feel... At what point does a man become a doormat? I mean if he tries and tries and tries as I did, but it's never good enough what should a guy do? I just feel if you just keep doing every single thing your told you become viewed as a pushover, weak, "whipped". At what point do you say enough!? I guess in my case I felt a bit humiliated, like she was just toying with me knowing I had no chance.
I'm glad I can see now where things went wrong and how I contributed. It is important to accept responsibilty for mistakes first in order to begin fixing them. I know I'll be a better person and a better husband one day.
My first reaction is that most of your feelings of being overwhelmed were really self inflicted. They were due to the extra duties you imposed on yourself and family. You were the one who wanted to pay off the house FAST, you were the one maxing out the IRAs, and "allotting" the money.
Like my h and his career, a relentlessly demanding one, when tired, or frustrated, it's almost always his job's fault, not mine. But he has on occasion definitely taken it out on the family. (He's better now but whenever he begins the victim talk, I remind him that HE chose to have a 2nd career in human medicine, not me) I suppose when he comes home he sorely needs refuge and unbeknownst to him, maybe I have had a hard day myself...
It ends up being a cycle. We all have to break those, and it starts with no more victim talk.
So, now, what are your 180s and GAL activities? If you tell me that it's hard to do GAL stuff, remember how it must have been for your w...yeah, it IS hard.
But you have to do them so you don't become bitter.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I just noticed in your signature that YOU filed...why not retract it? I mean, have you considered that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh there is no point... She wants out! Just completed the financial... She got alot of money... That alone just fueled her "escape". If I retracted it, she would just file it again and we'd be paying for all this nonsense again. We came to an agreement regarding finances, so WILL be final on shine 30th. She's really into the OM right now... No chance in hell for me right now I'd say. We did switch vehicles yesterday and I did talk with her in a light manner. The financial meeting was a bit heated, but the talk after was ok... was nice just to have good contact... Honestly even if its OVER... I'd like at least that.
As far as the financial hearing... I can't complain... We accumulated alot of assets, but I'd say the split was fair.
She basically got a little of both worlds... 100,000 cash... 78,000 from my IRA to hers... The 2003 Ford Escape (already paid off) which she'll be trading in (doesn't accommodate 4 kids), 527 per mo child support, 6,000 maintenance (paid already part of the cash payment)... The bulk of her money was up front, which she preferred to start her new life.
I got the house, but I have to take an 85,000 loan against it to pay her the 100,000 cash, I maintained my entire pension (which was sacred to me so I could enjoy my family and be free in 15 years... NOT forced to work longer), I got the 2009 VW (NOW NO LOAN ON IT... she remaining loan of 16,300 she paid off using her IRA)... It's a nice vehicle and fits all the kids... the bulk of my money was left for the future... with the new loan, child support (which will be lower soon because she'll be getting a promotion), and my normal bills I will be comfortable and plenty able to provide for me and the kids.
I'd say we we're both happy in our own ways regarding the outcome.
hey, then you are both lucky. And, should a recon take place, at least you'll know it's not b/c her alternative was starving on the streets...
Stay open to a reconciliation down the road, when the dust settles, and commit to becoming the man you were meant to become.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
