Onthemountain - I have been feeling the same way. Looking for closure since hope seemed such a distant memory. I did ask him - very gently, in a very nice non-judgemental way. In fact I've asked him several times flat out. Gave him an easy out (probably shouldn't have done that but whatever, can't take it back now). The last time I asked was actually just last week when we were discussing his new house. Once again, he said he 'just didn't know'. But that he didn't want to force me to live in limbo. I was crying and I said to him 'Does this feel RIGHT to you?' (with regard to ending our marriage', and he immediately said 'no it does NOT feel right, that none of this felt right, but that he didn't know what right was anymore. That all he knows right now is that he is very unhappy and he doesn't think we can be happy together again, but he doesn't know for sure. He was crying at that point. IDK, he is just so confusing - and silent - about this whole thing. I keep waiting for him to drop some huge bomb on me - like he IS having an affair or something, b/c nothing else really adds up. But I guess if he really doesn't feel like he's in love with me, then I guess that's enough to make him struggle so much right now.
Anyways I've been so inconsistent the last month or so with my DB'ing. So I've decided a few things. I need to do a better job at GAL. Not to prove to him that I can be fun, but for MYSELF. I need to feel attractive and wanted again, and while I don't think I am ready to date, I think I am ready to just meet people - get hit on a few times lol. I just need an ego boost right now to remind me that there are other people in the world besides my H who can make me feel good about myself. I am going out for drinks tonight with my gfriend. I just told H I had plans and could he please stay after the babes go to sleep tonight. just b/c I plan on GAL, he doesn't need to know what I am doing. I also made plans to go out for drinks/dancing on Friday night. I also sent H a very friendly email today inviting him to our baby's 2nd birthday party next weekend (when did THAT happen!). Anyways, he responded immediately saying he totally wanted to come and wanted to help me with everything. That response is probably b/c he didn't help me AT ALL with our other son's 5th bday party a month ago, and he's been feeling really guilty about that. He has a TON of guilt these days. I also emailed some pictures of his kids to H and his parents and his sister today. I haven't initiated contact with any of them since this whole thing started, only b/c its so painful to me. I have always been very close to all of them. My MIL has contacted me several times over the last 8 months, but I have never responded. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. So sending them some pix was a big step for me. I know that no matter the outcome, these people will always be a huge part of my children's lives, and I owe it to my children to stay on good terms with them. Our new neighbourhood gym finally opened today, so hopefully I will be able to start doing some classes soon too. So nothing huge, but with being 99.9% responsible for my children (and working full time), I have very limited time to myself. I've also told myself that no MATTER WHAT, I am going to be happy and cheerful around H as much as I possibly can - thats what I was doing the first 6 months or so and things were going well. When he all of a sudden completely detached from me (when he started antidepressants), I realize I am just always sad around him now. Anyways, I don't know what else to do at this point. Suggestions welcome.
