Words get in the way

[angel61]

Thanks Cyrena.

So this weekend, I proved to myself that sometimes it is really more of my perception and my expectations that makes me frustrated. In essence, my H is still the same old emotionally unavailable (darn it!) presence in my life. Bringing down my expectations made for a peaceful weekend, albeit BORING, but better than the rollwer coaster.

H did not like to plan anything, whenever D and I would ask what we were doing, he would just say "nothing". I finally got it and told D that we wanted to have an anything goes, stress free, relaxed weekend, and that we should not bug each other for anyhing. We did end up going for a drive on Saturday, mall in the evening, H grilled a nice 21 day dry aged steak for dinner with some wine, then on Sunday we went to an outlet mall and shopped the whole day, ended it by eating at a nice Vietnamese restaurant (all planned by H), the on July 4th we stayed home, cleaned out closets, and watched fireworks.

What bugs me nowadays is the loneliness of not connecting. We are together but whenever I talk to H its as though he is not listening to me. He talks to me, mostly about either food or D, or househoold stuff, but thats it. Not even about hsi family, my family or friends, which we used to talk about as "safe" topics a few months back. I would rate our level of connection as worse nowadays, although our comfort level is OK. IN the back of my mind though are thoughts like - he is thinking of how exciting his conversations with OW are, or that i feel he is holding back with regards to talking to me, like on purpose, and also how I feel that it is disrespectful of him not to carry proper conversation with me when we are together.

I always think of what you have posted to me in the past - about the "beast" stages, about how you went through this as well.... and hope and pray that our sitch will follow the same path as yours. I still have not been able to do your advice to me with regards to making myself less available to him to meet his needs. I do have a question about that. In practical ways, how did you accomplish that? At home, we are still so enmeshed and dependent on each other (he prepares food, I clean and launder his clothes). Many times, he asks me favors (need a letter written, etc.). I do them, but I try not to ask him favors. I think back to how we were pre-bomb and we were pretty much independent of each other (we both had lives back then!)but look where it led us.

Harrier, just pick yourself up and go on. There's only two choices in this situation, going on and giving up.

Its up to us. You know my choice. Make yours.