I think you did really well in recognizing that you were being controlling, and pulling back. It's hard to do that when feeling so emotional, so congratulations on how far you've come in developing detachment!
My H also went through a long period where he felt he HAD to keep the OW as a friend--but didn't want to lose me either. Eventually he recognized that he had to make a choice, that fence-sitting did not allow him to fully commit to restoring the marriage. However, as this is something he has to recognize on his own, it's good that you are giving him some time to come to the realizations he needs to make. You're right that it is "playing with fire" to try to maintain any kind of relationship with an OW--this has been proven not to work.
The fact that your H is neglecting his family & old friends is par for the course with MLCers, who really can't see beyond their own "teenaged" selves. I think it's good that you've non-intrusively assisted to keep their relationship ticking over while he's there--though, in the end, those will be his fences to mend. Once he starts taking an active interest in their lives once again, you'll know he's progressing out of the MLC tunnel.
Your acts of service are good--as long as you are doing them without expectations of any kind, and without their causing you any resentment. If you can act as you would in an "ideal" relationship, because that is the way you now realize you'd like to be with a spouse, then that sets an excellent template for your future (regardless of what he may do). It's an act of self-love.
I'm glad you made it through your bomb-aversary. Take the time to congratulate yourself on how far you've come!
Cyrena, Its amazing how alike our sitches are. Just goes to show that for certain types of personalities, what happens to them is all scripted. I think the effort to make OW into a friend is to prove to themselves that they are not infidels, as you once said, to maintain their honourable image of themselves.
Yes, I am congratulating myself. For the past few days, I have been thinking of how I am back to being myself again at work, being productive, not thinking of my sitch, not pityingmyself. I hope it stays this way.
H is back today and I am hoping and praying for good times.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
H and I fought, and I can't let go. Went crazy. Hounded him. Got into the coaster with him. Got him really anoyed and even scared of me (crazy woman who he married).
Now I feel terrible - hopeless, feeling like I destroyed something. Been crying for 3 days now. Giving myself 2 x 4's.
At least he no longer brings up separating or D when we fight.
He just said when I asked him why we have to fight, why he is not talking to me , that we are just like that - up and down, up and down. And that I better get used to it (my goodness, are we going to be like that for the rest of our lives? Its going to be short as I am going to have a heart attack in the next 5 years if it goes on this way!)
OK, for this weekend: I better DETACH big time!
I challenged Harrier to keep the avoidnce technique going on... on TUesday I will check in and see how it goes.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
yes you can let go... either let go of the "crazy hounding" anger/fear, or let go of your m and h
b/c
it's a rare man who will stay in a sitch like that forever...
YOU CAN DO BETTER, SO
START FRESH
"From this day forward"
and let go of your self anger too.
It's really NOT helping anything.
This isn't complicated Angel. You have to do it.
Are you really willing to inflict more pain on yourself, your child and your h/m
b/c you refuse to "get a grip"??
I don't believe that. You don't even believe that.
So, get a grip. Turn your anger and fears over to God and
do Not take it back the next day.
Be the woman you were meant to be, a woman only a fool would leave.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for believing I can do it. Because I can and I will. Thinking back on my life....I may be impulsive, I may have a short attention span, have ADHD (my self diagnosis), but I am a determined person and so far, have been able to attain (sometimes by the skin of my teeth) what I want.
So far the weekend has been going well.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
It's okay to backslide and make DBing mistakes--it's only human. The proof of your progress is that you only let yourself beat up on you for a few days, and then you continued on, determined to become that woman you wish to be. It's fine to take a little time to recognize that you haven't changed as much as you'd like, that you still have triggers which throw you back on old behaviour--but as long as you keep visualizing the behaviours you'd prefer to be exhibiting, you will keep exhibiting those behaviours more consistently.
As 25 states, you can do better ... and each day is a fresh chance to prove that.
So this weekend, I proved to myself that sometimes it is really more of my perception and my expectations that makes me frustrated. In essence, my H is still the same old emotionally unavailable (darn it!) presence in my life. Bringing down my expectations made for a peaceful weekend, albeit BORING, but better than the rollwer coaster.
H did not like to plan anything, whenever D and I would ask what we were doing, he would just say "nothing". I finally got it and told D that we wanted to have an anything goes, stress free, relaxed weekend, and that we should not bug each other for anyhing. We did end up going for a drive on Saturday, mall in the evening, H grilled a nice 21 day dry aged steak for dinner with some wine, then on Sunday we went to an outlet mall and shopped the whole day, ended it by eating at a nice Vietnamese restaurant (all planned by H), the on July 4th we stayed home, cleaned out closets, and watched fireworks.
What bugs me nowadays is the loneliness of not connecting. We are together but whenever I talk to H its as though he is not listening to me. He talks to me, mostly about either food or D, or househoold stuff, but thats it. Not even about hsi family, my family or friends, which we used to talk about as "safe" topics a few months back. I would rate our level of connection as worse nowadays, although our comfort level is OK. IN the back of my mind though are thoughts like - he is thinking of how exciting his conversations with OW are, or that i feel he is holding back with regards to talking to me, like on purpose, and also how I feel that it is disrespectful of him not to carry proper conversation with me when we are together.
I always think of what you have posted to me in the past - about the "beast" stages, about how you went through this as well.... and hope and pray that our sitch will follow the same path as yours. I still have not been able to do your advice to me with regards to making myself less available to him to meet his needs. I do have a question about that. In practical ways, how did you accomplish that? At home, we are still so enmeshed and dependent on each other (he prepares food, I clean and launder his clothes). Many times, he asks me favors (need a letter written, etc.). I do them, but I try not to ask him favors. I think back to how we were pre-bomb and we were pretty much independent of each other (we both had lives back then!)but look where it led us.
Harrier, just pick yourself up and go on. There's only two choices in this situation, going on and giving up.
Its up to us. You know my choice. Make yours.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
When ever I read your thread title, i also think of the song "Words," by Missing Persons. I thing it applies to your situation too sadly.
I hear you on the loneliness of not connecting. I mean I swear sometimes I'd start and R talk because I knew it would be real conversation. I think it's okay to be bugged by it and you should really try no to mind read. Our MC suggest this exercise - try to make up a positive story about why your H is doing what he's doing. We make up negative stories all the time (like he's thinking about convos with OW). I's the same work to make up positive stories and the benefit is that you might feel better about H.
Luckily, throughout my whole ordeal my W and I have been mostly good about having real conversations. We talk almost every day. (She usually calls me at work just to 'check in') In fact today when she called. I said something like "well, I'd better let you go get back to work" and she said "Do I really have to to?"
I'm sure, as you do, I try to seek other outlets for connecting - here, work, with my kids, calling family, etc. I know its not the same really.
Somehow I think our friendship is still mostly intact. That helps a lot. Still I do get upset when she makes herself emotionally unavailable to me, but I'm supposed to be there for her. Like yesterday, she worked all day. she was supposed to work a 1/2 day, but worked all day. I had a great day with the kids mind you, but it somehow felt like BS.
Of course she comes home exhausted. Does some more work upstairs in our room, then goes to bed. we did manage to go for ice cream.
Sometimes, I feel she is really short changing our boys with her work schedule and it's hard not to get upset about that.
hang in there.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I remember well how painful it was to feel so ALONE in the presence of my own H.... But try not to feel he's being "disrespectful" by not having proper conversations with you--try to regard that as him not having the energy/concentration/ability really to engage with another person at the moment. He can't "see" you during his crisis--he can't see beyond his own heightened emotions.
I found that during this period, it was best to let my H lead most of the conversations, and I listened, validated, and generally interacted with him on the things that interested him at that point. Of course, I also kept him in the loop with what the children were doing--but if his attention wandered, I just stopped talking, and found something else to do elsewhere. Often he would then follow me there, looking for some connection even if he couldn't really talk about it. I saved my conversations about my own feelings, etc, for the few trusted family members and friends in whom I was confiding about the MLC.
As for not being so dependent on each other--perhaps you and D could have avoided repeatedly asking H what he wanted to do and "bugging" him? Is he usually the event planner in the family? Why did he end up having to plan everything that did happen if he didn't really want to? Try asking him ONCE if there's anything he'd like to do, and if not, ask D what she's interested in doing, or suggest that there are several things you'd been looking forward to trying.
Don't settle for "boring" because that seems to be the extent of H's interests at the time--accomplish whatever the 2 of you might enjoy. Show him that you're still living your lives while he's in limbo, and that you'd be okay without him. And throwing in a few 180 activities he would never expect from you wouldn't hurt....
