Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[ericmsant2]

SC,

more resignation and a realization I will be left destitute, scrambling and carrying the full load of supporting myself and my children now.

“resignation”, “destitute”, “scrambling”, “carrying the full load”…these words/quotes are all self defeating if ya ask me. Are they normal? Yep…but change how you look at things. For example:

Personally, in my sitch…(although financially it will be difficult)…I feel resolute and honored to be carrying almost the full load of taking care of my children. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel proud of myself.

As for another chance...this morning, it's not even a consideration. My marriage is over, my relationship with him pretty much that of an aquaintence. The only binding between us is our children.

In keeping with my change how you look at it perspective…..

It is perfectly normal to say that you are done this morning. It does not mean that you will not be done tomorrow. Everything in your life is a choice that you make. I am not suggesting that you consider taking him back. Nope. I am suggesting that you work hard to let go of any negative feelings towards him and really just focus on today. Today, choose to try and feel happy and let him go, today choose to be honored to be the parent that your children need. Oh…and FTR, I was an acquaintance FIRST with my best friend. I was an acquaintance first to my STBXW….good and healthy relationship usually start as acquaintances.

SC, you say that I see anger in your post but that only pain exists. I can only tell you my experience, which was masked anger. It was very subtle but it was there.

Now you say you are not angry…allow me to explain why I (from my perspective) saw anger….

There is a contempt and faint disgust for me in his face when he does see me. His eyes are like flint, when he looks at me. His mouth twists subtly. He's ready to run from the moment he hits my front stoop to pick up or drop off the kids.

And ya mean to tell me that the face that he gives you does not make you angry?

I am a good friend

You are not angry because he can’t see that you are a good friend?

How do I know he's not my friend or that he even likes me? Behaviourally Eric

You are not angry because he is not your friend even though you love him and have done all of…..

I know how much work I've put into myself and continue to put into my personal emotional healthy and development. I have come a long way and other people in my life have noticed that and commented on it as well.

This ^^^^ work? You’re not angry that he cannot see it?

My character is honest, kind, not quite as compassionate as I'd like ( I wasn't shown much growing up so it's something that needs more development),loyal, reliable, helpful,thoughtful.

And you are not angry that he does not see your character or see that you have accepted that you still need to be more compassionate?

I have to deal with this crap. I never expected it, and I'm not coping

And YOUR not angry because you have had to deal with the unexpected AND you are not coping with it well.

I thought I was trying to recover a marriage and a loving relationship

Chit….I was really pissed when I tried to recover a marriage and was unable. Really pissed. I guess you are not though.

As of today, I'm not trying to accomplish anything anymore but to try to get through a certain divorce and try to come out of it if not victorious, at least adequately

Funny…I used to say to myself that I wanted to be “victorious” when I was really angry. When the anger began to subside…my words changed. “Fair” become more of my focus. No one wins here SC. IMO, only people that are ANGRY feel they need to win. My STBXW wants to WIN….know why? ‘Cause she is angry with herself.

Eric how does someone who's self esteem been ripped to the ground

And WHEN I realized that OM was more important than me (at least in her eyes but not mine)…when I FELT that my self respect, esteem, everything about myself was thrown to the floor and stomped on…well I was not just angry….I WAS IN A RAGE…but maybe that is me SC…maybe you are NOT angry.

I'm trying to do is turn off the pain and not care anymore, go dead inside and not feel anything for my STBX.

Hmmm….I remember wanting to stop the pain. Man do I. Ya know I was afraid to be angry…actually I was afraid to admit to myself that I was angry.

Anger though….keeps a person bound. Keeps a person connected….Anger does not let you really let go.

SC, my only point is that in order for you to go through this…anger will need to be felt. You can mask it, tuck it away, ignore it, do whatever it is you feel you need to do to NOT feel it BUT FEEL it you must.

For you SC…for you….

Peace will follow when the anger subsides….

IMO, at that point….

From today on I imagine my STBX will be kind of like the co-worker that you see from time to time but you have no personal relationship with. You see them at lunch and company functions only. You say hello and their name and move on to your task. You don't ask about their weekend, their life and they don't ask about yours.

These ^^^^ feelings may be different. I am not saying they will and I am not suggesting that you act like you are buddy buddies with your H.

I asked about your character…

My character is honest, kind, not quite as compassionate as I'd like ( I wasn't shown much growing up so it's something that needs more development),loyal, reliable, helpful,thoughtful.

Honest – that is good. Can you be totally honest with yourself? If you can and you can look past the pain and hurt right now. Can you be…compassionate towards your H? Can you be thoughtful towards him? I am not suggesting that you become a doormat. Not at all. Can you be compassionate? What is compassion to You?

You say loyal…

Has he filed yet?

Anger SC is soo part of this process…..embrace it, feel it and then let it go. Your thoughts and feelings may change when you do this.

God Bless,
Eric