When I open my eyes every morning, the first thing I still think of is this crap. The difference now is that I rarely miss her or want her there. All I feel most of the time is anger and foolishness.Anger at what she has done to me and foolish that I let it happen.
The bottom line is that STBX had an affair for 6-7 years before she moved out. She continued that affair while letting me believe we were working on things. And now, she is about to move on with OM/Boss and live the life she has wanted for almost 10 years.
I said this in a thread some time ago. I think she actually planned out the last 2 years to perfection. I was a fool, and played my expected role perfectly. I did everything she expected at every turn. And now, she comes out smelling like a rose and my kids blame me "80%" as D19 says. At this time, S17 hasn't even spoken more than 10 words to me in 4 days. I suppose I deserve that for telling them what I did.
Being honest and objective now, I don't think I would even want to her come back anymore. I love what she/we should be not what she/we actually are. I love the woman she used to be many years ago. She has finally made her decision to be with OM fully and completely anyway.
My anger towards her grows everyday. Yesterday, when I was driving home from work and thinking (as always), I actually screamed out "I hate you". As for OM, there is no words to describe just how much I hate the fact that he and I are both humans on the same planet.
I have mentioned before all the medical issues STBX has had over the last 10 years - severe arthritis/lupus, pancreatitis, gall bladder removal, hysterectomy due to early onset of cancer, and a brain tumor caused by drugs she was on for arthritis. I have admitted that I was not very supportive of her when she was ill, and she claims OM/Boss was always there for her and that is how their "friendship" started. Recently, I have been wondering if there really is Karma in the world. Maybe, just maybe she's getting what she deserves for lying and cheating during that time period.
I know that sounds awful. But, that's where I am right now. I would like nothing more than for their life together to be horrible. They are both liars and cheaters and are perfect for each other. They can lie and cheat each other right to their graves.
I really don't like feeling so angry and literally hating someone I loved so much before, but it is a lot better than pining for her and missing her. I don't know how long I will stay in this phase, but I know it's not good for it to last too long.
A guy’s inability to stand up for himself and own his own strength will cause women to take advantage of them.
You aren’t really mad at your wife for disrespecting you even though that's what you say repeatedly in your post. You are really just mad at yourself for not having more self-respect and putting up with all that crap behavior for so long.
At first a year or two ago, you were the same person telling us how your wife couldn't be having an affair, and then she moved out but it wasn't to have an affair, it was because she wanted "space".
Let us all be honest BTM, you are angry, yes, you are very angry, but you are not angry with your wife, at least most of that anger isn't with your wife or the OM, it is with yourself. You believed that she couldn't do this to you, you believed that somehow she would be loyal to you, you believed that somewhere underneath all of her actions and attitudes towards you that the woman you fell in love with, still loved you, she just didn't know how to love you.
And now you know you were lying to yourself all that time, believing in your own dreams and fantasies during this entire process instead of believing in reality. And yet we constantly fault our spouses for being in a fog and living in a fantasy world, and you never fault yourself for living in your own fantasy world.
If your wife is happy with this OM and has been having this affair for several years, chances are this OM makes her happy and satisfies her needs in such a way that you aren't able to because you are very needy and only focus on your own needs - even when given actual proof of an affair, you still hope against hope that your wife will leave the OM and come home to you, you even hoped that showing off an expensive $250 shirt would somehow impress her.
We had given you plenty of advice for a few years on this site and yet you chose to listen to your own feelings instead of doing what might have worked.
You are mad at yourself first and foremost for not doing the work on yourself and doing what you should have done all along.
If you love your wife, let her go, finally. Do the most loving thing you can do for your wife, love her enough to let her go because you know she is happy with this OM, love her enough to accept her wishes and know that she is happy doing what she is doing.
Love yourself enough to let go of her and love yourself enough to accept your mistakes and move on with your life. Love yourself enough to know and acknowledge the truth that you are angry with yourself and not your wife.
Seek out some individual counseling and get some help, express your anger, have someone explain to you why your feeling like this, why your ego is hoping for karma to hand out proper vengeance and consequences on your wife and the OM and know that these feelings that you are experiencing are coming from a wounded ego and in the end you are just angry with yourself for not accepting the truth earlier.
You have a lot of healing to do, the first step will be to acknowledge that you are angry with yourself, realize that you are manifesting these feelings into your physical environment and it's affecting the relationship you have with your children, one of which apparently is getting tired of being around you, that is very real and you need to deal with that which means dealing with yourself properly. The AD meds may help a bit but they won't fix your problems, screaming in your car while driving won't help either.
Just my 0.02 cents, I've been trying to open your eyes for quite some time on this, I hope you finally get this msg in the way it was intended.
