WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

As mentioned above - the first IC that I saw (when it was all about me, at least as far as I knew) mentioned something to me that stuck "Happiness is fleeting, contentment runs deeper."

I have been thinking about how this applies in the context of this whole situation. It makes sense that in many ways, I shouldn't be trying to be happy about it. However, I do feel in some ways like there are many gifts for me to unwrap in here. And that makes me feel a sense of contentment and confidence. Even, to a degree, positive expectations.

Of course, I could just be getting enamored with my own thinking - I do tend to do that, and its something I need to work at remaining balanced on.

On another note, and I could use some.. feedback/support/input/perspective/whatever on this one.

I am finding myself confronting something that is a little scary but I think is positive:

I find myself feeling like its possible to have compassion for the OM.


This one leaves me a little tied up and conflicted.

I find myself asking two fundamental questions:

1) What does holding on to my negative feelings get me?
2) What does letting go of my negative feelings get me?

And then:
1) Which do I want?
2) Which enables me to move forward?


My ego, as could be imagined, is bouncing off the walls here. When I found out about the PA, I did my best to compartmentalize thoughts about it so I could deal with other things, but when W moved back in I definitely found myself having very angry and violent fantasies about what I might do if I ran into him. W had mentioned that OM was scared of me and I think perhaps this fed into my own egoic mind of needing to make myself feel superior. I won't go into detail, but lets just say that none of these things would have been appropriate to act on.

But now, I find myself in a different place - 1.5 months after she officially walked out and I've spent that time looking inside myself and seeking to understand and grow.

And I find my thoughts drift to the A, and I find my thoughts on the OM to be more "He is dealing with his own issues." Whereas before it was "He is a worthless DB (not DivorceBusting..) lying manipulative... POS.. predator... etc..."

I think I know what the 'best choice' for me is, but there is a part of me that is afraid to allow it - to accept that this person did what they did and yet I still can find compassion towards them as a human being. To let go of the fact that this person looked me in the eye, shook my hand, smiled to my face, etc.. and just recognize that whatever their situation is, it is his situation and I don't have to take it personally.

I'm experiencing the typical ego responses that come with the possibility of letting go of this - but when I ask myself what my real fear is, I realize its something I'm not afraid of anymore.

I've been rejected. I've been abandoned. I've been called inadequate. I've been betrayed. All by the person who I love. None of these things really scare me right now because I've lived through it, and I'm still here.

I think what scares me is a loss of sense of self. So much of the past couple months has been a stripping down of me, looking into a place that exists beneath my role as a spouse, as an artist, as a son, as a sibling. My resentment towards this other person may be something my ego is hanging on to. Do I really lose anything though? Maybe I gain something?

Thoughts??

[ESN]

I've been rejected. I've been abandoned. I've been called inadequate. I've been betrayed. All by the person who I love. None of these things really scare me right now because I've lived through it, and I'm still here.

I think what scares me is a loss of sense of self. So much of the past couple months has been a stripping down of me, looking into a place that exists beneath my role as a spouse, as an artist, as a son, as a sibling. My resentment towards this other person may be something my ego is hanging on to. Do I really lose anything though? Maybe I gain something?

Thoughts??

I think you said it here--who are you without these fears? Do you know that person yet? I think sometimes it's scary to go into the unknown... and maybe that place (ego-less) is unknown and therefore scary.

Also, forgiving is powerful. It doesn't mean you're okay with what happened (doesn't have to) but that you can move past it. Again, this situation - betrayal abandonment, rejection may hold some power for you - obviously it did since you met with those experiences. Maybe they were there for you (in your "vibration") from long ago and you've remained faithful to them for some reason. Clung to them for some reason.

Letting go is a little scary. Can you trust it? Is it real? Can you count on it? Etc.

I'm in a similar boat. This no longer upsets me, nor does that, or that - it's like woah! Hold on a minute! This is moving to fast, where am I going!

I say, be brave. Go with it. Take little steps. Breathe.

A book and quote that come to mind are:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/136977.The_Places_That_Scare_You

"Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth"
— Pema Chödrön

[aeolianchaos]

Letting go is a little scary. Can you trust it? Is it real? Can you count on it? Etc.

Its all up to me, so its as real as I make it. For me, the question is why and what it might be like to do so.

The ego says "stick up for yourself" whereas the better part in me says "stop making yourself suffer in the name of your ego.." Am I really sticking up for myself in this imaginary world where my anger is hurting someone I have nothing to do with? Its a fantasy and its not as if I'm getting a whole lot from it.

The answer is becoming clear to me, even if it still feels a little spooky.

A book and quote that come to mind are:

This is a good book. I've skimmed through it, but I think it merits a new look under the circumstances.

[aeolianchaos]

Time for some updates..

Not a lot to update that I haven't posted above.

Its starting to feel like I'm spending more time thinking about this stuff than i am living it, and I feel like that is something I can pay attention to.

I have a tendency to get paralyzed by analysis but lately the direction of my thoughts is becoming a little clearer. At this point I feel like I have all the time in the world to deal with myself and the questions that I want to be able to answer for myself.

No verbal contact with W since last friday and only about 2 sentences of e-mail exchanged re: logistical stuff. Since then. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I went dark prematurely, but I think in many ways she is fighting for her own identity where she doesn't rely on me for validation like she used to in our relationship, so perhaps its mutually beneficial.

W frequently accused me of being a 'wallflower.' I suppose to a degree this was true - I think that I am, to some extent, an introvert. Not necessarily extreme introvert, but definitely prefer smaller groups of people. But I do believe that there was a point in time where it was both introversion and a sense of deficiency/inferiority that prevented me from connecting with people as much as I would have liked to. It was easy to hide behind other things as I didn't understand what bothered me at the time, and why I acted that way. Confronting some of those feelings of being deficient has been valuable, but my 'social planning' chops are still rather rusty.

I have been thinking about what I can do differently within this context. I need to be authentic to who I am, but there are actions that I can still take that would be authentic to me and my needs. Finding those actions and deciding to follow through on them seems to be the issue at this point.
There is the issue that many of my connections in this city are rooted in my connection with W, and so I have some hesitation to establish those connections with these people individually despite my affinity for those people. I will need to sort through this one and figure out what feels right for me. I can't help but be aware that my actions create an inevitable pressure on W as she already feels like she is losing friendships left and right from this situation and this is (on the surface at least) Fear #1 for her. So.. I am still balancing some consideration for her with my own stuff.

Time seems to be expanding in my mind - I find myself with a lot of time and I realize that I want to do more with it, but I haven't decided what to do. I can only read, reflect, and write so much. The question/issue of a job/career is still in my head but I am doing my best to process this issue - it is a big one for me and I am trying to just keep myself open to discovery and possibilities at this point. There is a part of me that feels like having somewhere I needed to be would be kind of nice right now, especially if I got paid to be there. But, its a tangled mess up there as far as all my considerations and thoughts are concerned. In many ways it would probably be easier to deal with this one HUGE issue without all this junk going on, and it would have been nice to have a W who was supportive of me working this stuff out. I'd probably feel differently about my options if W was still involved in my life. It's a lot of destabilizing at once. But those things aren't there and I accept that - it just adds a layer of thought to things that might not be there otherwise. Can't let it get in my way too much.

[ESN]

Letting go is a little scary. Can you trust it? Is it real? Can you count on it? Etc.

Its all up to me, so its as real as I make it. For me, the question is why and what it might be like to do so.

Yeah, I think you won't know. Can't know. Maybe do some journaling around this? Or at least list some fears around it that you are conscious of. This action has a profound affect on me - that is, becoming aware of my fears and writing them down - letting them be "known" and then turning them around and writing some affirmations around them.

Profound effects.

[~ kd ~]

Hey Chaos...

Stop thinking and start living... that's a mantra that I often find needing to remind myself...

We can always process what HAS happened, whereas processing what WILL happen often hinders the maximum potential for opportunities that lie ahead.

Live your life for YOU. Your connectedness with people you know should remain focused on YOUR connectedness with them, rather than your W's association with them.

How your W feels about and deals with her relationships is something only for her to do.

[aeolianchaos]

Yeah, I think you won't know. Can't know. Maybe do some journaling around this? Or at least list some fears around it that you are conscious of.

I can definitely do this more conscientiously. I have done this with recurring thoughts to help identify them and recognize what their content is.

Live your life for YOU. Your connectedness with people you know should remain focused on YOUR connectedness with them, rather than your W's association with them.

Yes.. I agree with this. Its just awkward. I'm not exaggerating when I say I know literally 2 people in my city who are not essentially friends of W who i got to know through her.

Some of the few attempts I've made to connect up with some of the 'others' have been met with silence. I don't know what they are dealing with or going through, but it is a little discouraging.

Part of why I'm looking forward to the Yoga classes is that its going to be people who don't know my W or my situation.

[aeolianchaos]

Today has been a fairly good day.

Not a lot happening one way or the other - worked on some stuff, but basically took it slow and finally used up some of the produce that was sitting in my fridge.

Forgot my parents had used the coffee maker last time they visited - about 3 weeks ago - so that was kind of gross. Oh well.

Got a voicemail from my L this evening. Said nothing has really happened on his end, but he did see something in a legal journal that my W's L filed a divorce complaint on behalf of W. It was nice of him to give me a heads up on that. I try to feel how I react to these things - there was a time when it would have freaked me out pretty powerfully. Now, I get a little bit of discomfort, but not much - I just try to let it go through me and feel it and know it for what it is.

There really wasn't anything that I didn't already know, except that this stuff is published in a journal/paper somewhere - but I guess it does mean that her lawyer did really file something. I dunno - haven't received anything yet - not looking forward to it, but not really fearing it either as far as I can tell.

I have been thinking about whether going dark/LRT is appropriate for me or not. It seems to be the default as she is not attempting to contact me all that much, and may even think that 'giving me space' is what she is supposed to be doing. As we have no children, there isn't a whole lot of reasons to be in touch.

In many ways, I feel like this space is vital and healthy. She clearly needs time away from me to work on her own issues and I have plenty of my own stuff to work on. But she has also filed for D. So... yeah, there's that.

A bit of a bummer - I couldn't help thinking today that it would be really cool to live a life with her, especially as she seems to be developing some more 3 dimensional insights into herself and her behavior/thinking. I can't help but see that as a positive and see the potential for a degree of real intimacy that, honestly, we never had in our relationship. Even in bed, I always felt like she had a mask on and was playing a role.

I worry that her newest thoughts re: codependency are going to blossom into her going the other extreme and trying to become counter-dependent, refusing even the smallest reliance on another person. I don't know a lot about codependency, but I understand that many people once identifying with the label, become very 'arms length' about their relationships. True? False?

[ESN]

Don't worry about codependency or not or what she's doing. Just worry about you. One thing you can do as you see her becoming better in her behavior and thinking is to appreciate it yourself. Then you're a match to it vibrationally and that's what you're working on so appreciating things we see and want for ourselves is good.

But you can know the outcome of that now. Just keep feeling good for yourself and things will take care of themselves.

That's all I can tell myself right now too. And sorry that's all I got today!

[aeolianchaos]

Well - today was a bit of a up and down one.

Lots of good stuff to start, woke up better and got down to business in terms of getting out of bed and doing something with myself.

Cleaned up the kitchen - one thing I think that never really registered with me is how much my W must have been doing to keep this place clean. It seems like it gets dirty no matter how often I clean up. I'm not saying I was oblivious about this stuff - I wasn't, for the past 2 years there have been many 3-4 week periods where she would be away and I know how to take care of myself - but I think I appreciate how much she did a lot more at this juncture. This is also the biggest place out of the last 7 we've lived in..

Got out and about, took care of some basic stuff but it felt good to get it done and check it off the list. Did some of this, some of that, and decided to catch a movie this evening.

This seems to be where things took a bit of a downhill - for some reason I started thinking about 'what if W and OM were at the same movie?' which is kind of unlikely as he lives a few states away. I told myself even if it happened, I would stay collected and its not in my control. Fine - no biggie, a little swell and then back to homeostasis. But between the previews and the movie itself (Hangover 2) it was just too much wedding/love/marriage stuff, regardless of the context it was placed in. Too much stimulation of that part of my mind and it put my thoughts on that track of nostalgic/sentimental thinking. So, kind of mucked in that at the moment.

Feeling just really irritated with the totality of this situation right now - probably totally normal - but I just would have preferred to enjoy the movie and not gotten sucked into the 'what ifs' and 'shoulds' and 'she did x, y, z to me and then walked out on our anniversary..' etc. I find that it takes my motivations, which I am working hard to keep clear, and turns them hostile and resentful. I really don't want to stay in that place - I know there is nothing for me there at this point.

I have so many thoughts where the answer doesn't matter, but they keep coming up. A lot of them have to do with the extent to which she fooled me - I definitely feel like I got played and thats still a tough pill for me to swallow.

There is a part of me that wonders what her computations have been - I don't know what is rewriting history for her, and what is honestly what she was thinking/experiencing at the time. Did she really marry me because she didn't think she would find someone better?

She talks about wanting to change me, and I don't know what that means. The past year or so? Since we met? I will admit that there were times where I figured she would 'grow out of' certain behaviors, but I didn't try to change her.

Saying, "I like you, but I don't love you" - is this just typical WAW parsing or did she really just not love me? Its a heckuva thing to consider, that I spend almost 1/3rd of my life w/ someone and they 'discover' that 'oh I guess I don't really love him..' while they conveniently are falling for another man.

It makes me look back on the good memories and wonder, were they real? Can I look back fondly on things and see them for being genuine, or was it just all an act she felt like she had to perform?

So many questions, all of which really don't need answers for right now...