Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks for your view Eric.

I may be misreading the “tone” in which you wrote this BUT I sense anger in having to divide assets and becoming self supporting. The anger is normal Scylla. That said, why not look at it from a different perspective? Why not consider it a positive (as best as you can). Consider that YOU Scyall will rebuild under difficult condition BUT it is YOU and ONLY YOU that will do this. That in and of itself should be uplifting and not negative.

No so much anger Eric, more resignation and a realization I will be left destitute, scrambling and carrying the full load of supporting myself and my children now.

Some MLCer are NOT co-parents…some are not parents at all or some are more of a “parallel parent”. Be grateful that he is trying to co-parent with you. Consider this, the more angry he sees you the less likely he is to consider (and YES it is HIS and YOUR CHOICE to ever give this another chance) reconciliation in the future.

This is how I see him now Eric, It may in fact be a case of parallel parenting shortly. As for another chance...this morning, it's not even a consideration. My marriage is over, my relationship with him pretty much that of an aquaintence. The only binding between us is our children.

How do you know this? Take a step back for a second and step away from your own anger at him…..would YOU want to be YOUR friend if you were being treated like you treat him? I am not saying that you do not have a right to be angry. No. What I am saying is why would YOU want to be friends with someone that seems (even when it is subtle) angry at you.

I'm not angry Eric. You read anger where there is none. When I feel anger I go to the source of it now and the source is usually a hearty slap to my self esteem and value. That's pain Eric, not anger.
I am a good friend, and yes I'd want to be friends with myself.
How do I know he's not my friend or that he even likes me? Behaviourally Eric. I've said this before, if there were no kids between us, I'd not see him for dust. There is a contempt and faint disgust for me in his face when he does see me. His eyes are like flint, when he looks at me. His mouth twists subtly. He's ready to run from the moment he hits my front stoop to pick up or drop off the kids.

In principal I agree with you. That said, I know that sometime we can use this as an excuse. An excuse to not do the real work on ourselves.

I understand your perspective here. It's not true in my case. I know how much work I've put into myself and continue to put into my personal emotional healthy and development. I have come a long way and other people in my life have noticed that and commented on it as well.

Does it? Really? What is character to YOU? Is your character one of compassion, a kind spirit? Is your character PRIDEFUL? Is that it? IMO, this comes across once again as anger. It is almost like you are saying that “hey…I am stubborn it is who I am and although I can “act” like I am not…deep down inside I am”. Personally, it is an excuse…at least IMO.

No anger Eric. Character is who you are when no one is around to watch. My character is honest, kind, not quite as compassionate as I'd like ( I wasn't shown much growing up so it's something that needs more development),loyal, reliable, helpful,thoughtful.

It only sux to be YOU if YOU feel that way. So why do YOU feel that way?

Because Eric, I have to deal with this crap. I never expected it, and I'm not coping well, that's why.

What are trying to recover though? What exactly are you trying to accomplish?

Well I thought I was trying to recover a marriage and a loving relationship. Obviously this isn't true anymore. I realise that a very slim minority of people on this site will ever regain that, and this site is mostly a divorce support group now.
As of today, I'm not trying to accomplish anything anymore but to try to get through a certain divorce and try to come out of it if not victorious, at least adequately.

You did, f*ck I did too. Fine. It is what it is. Yes there are consequences to bad choices. Accept them. That said YOU do not have to live in that state of mind. You can choose to forgive yourself, your H and YOU can choose to become the women that YOU really want to be. That women that is deep down inside of you. A woman that you can look at and be proud of BUT it takes some work on your part. Letting go of anger and pride would probably be the first step.

You keep saying I'm angry Eric. I don't quite see why, but that's your 2cents. Eric how does someone who's self esteem been ripped to the ground appear prideful? Only pride I've got right now is in my appearance and that my friend is the brave public face.
Right now, today, all I'm trying to do is turn off the pain and not care anymore, go dead inside and not feel anything for my STBX.

Scylla, I have no comment on the dating comment. Do what You feel you need to do. I will only ask you these questions….
1) Do you think you are healed?
2) Do you think it is fair to someone else that may not understand where you are at?
3) Do you think you are done? And if so, what does done mean to you?

1) No, not yet, but getting there steadily.

2) I'm very explicit about where I am and what I'm looking for. I hide nothing. Then it's up to them.

3)Yes, today I'm done. He may as well be dead.
I can't afford to care about him anymore but in a superficial manner. I hung on to hope for a long time. I read about divorce and what it does to kids, I read MWD books. I believed there was hope for my family, for me, for us. I thought I had a chance. Turns out that chance is like winning a multimillion dollar lottery.

From today on I imagine my STBX will be kind of like the co-worker that you see from time to time but you have no personal relationship with. You see them at lunch and company functions only. You say hello and their name and move on to your task. You don't ask about their weekend, their life and they don't ask about yours.