Its starting to feel like I'm spending more time thinking about this stuff than i am living it, and I feel like that is something I can pay attention to.
I have a tendency to get paralyzed by analysis but lately the direction of my thoughts is becoming a little clearer. At this point I feel like I have all the time in the world to deal with myself and the questions that I want to be able to answer for myself.
No verbal contact with W since last friday and only about 2 sentences of e-mail exchanged re: logistical stuff. Since then. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I went dark prematurely, but I think in many ways she is fighting for her own identity where she doesn't rely on me for validation like she used to in our relationship, so perhaps its mutually beneficial.
W frequently accused me of being a 'wallflower.' I suppose to a degree this was true - I think that I am, to some extent, an introvert. Not necessarily extreme introvert, but definitely prefer smaller groups of people. But I do believe that there was a point in time where it was both introversion and a sense of deficiency/inferiority that prevented me from connecting with people as much as I would have liked to. It was easy to hide behind other things as I didn't understand what bothered me at the time, and why I acted that way. Confronting some of those feelings of being deficient has been valuable, but my 'social planning' chops are still rather rusty.
I have been thinking about what I can do differently within this context. I need to be authentic to who I am, but there are actions that I can still take that would be authentic to me and my needs. Finding those actions and deciding to follow through on them seems to be the issue at this point. There is the issue that many of my connections in this city are rooted in my connection with W, and so I have some hesitation to establish those connections with these people individually despite my affinity for those people. I will need to sort through this one and figure out what feels right for me. I can't help but be aware that my actions create an inevitable pressure on W as she already feels like she is losing friendships left and right from this situation and this is (on the surface at least) Fear #1 for her. So.. I am still balancing some consideration for her with my own stuff.
Time seems to be expanding in my mind - I find myself with a lot of time and I realize that I want to do more with it, but I haven't decided what to do. I can only read, reflect, and write so much. The question/issue of a job/career is still in my head but I am doing my best to process this issue - it is a big one for me and I am trying to just keep myself open to discovery and possibilities at this point. There is a part of me that feels like having somewhere I needed to be would be kind of nice right now, especially if I got paid to be there. But, its a tangled mess up there as far as all my considerations and thoughts are concerned. In many ways it would probably be easier to deal with this one HUGE issue without all this junk going on, and it would have been nice to have a W who was supportive of me working this stuff out. I'd probably feel differently about my options if W was still involved in my life. It's a lot of destabilizing at once. But those things aren't there and I accept that - it just adds a layer of thought to things that might not be there otherwise. Can't let it get in my way too much.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
