7 weeks to exH marries OW

[lea74]

So it has been sometime since I have been on the boards but with my ex's impending marriage I thought I would come back on. I thought I was going to be okay with it, but it seems I am not and not matter what I do, I seem to very nostalgic these days.

My story in a nutshell. Married my childhood sweetheart, neither of us have ever been with anyone else. We were together 22 years and married for 14 years and now D for a year. Went through first D anniversary and first wedding anniversary alread - sadly they are only two days apart. xH was very boring and had an A with a colleague, got engaged 7 weeks after D finalised and now they are set to marry in 7 weeks.
It doesnt help that I am still single. Have slightly dipped my toe in the dating pond, but not with much seriousness. Just havent fetl ready yet. Had too many other things going one e.g. loss my job, grandparents died 6 months apart, broke my coccyx, had a car accident etc etc. Spent some time in court re maintenance and child contact.

So feeling a little sad at the mo, not depressed just sad that xH is about to start this wonderful life with another person and I have been replaced!! (ironically we have the same first initial so will have the same name Mrs S ........)

I was in counselling but due to financial constraints have had to stop, so please induldge me if I use this forum as my go-to. I think I may have worn out the patience of my family and friends and anyway they really cant relate to how I feel. They all say, he wasnt worth it, you are better off without him, there are more fish in the sea and I know they mean well but it doesnt help.

So any suggestions on how I cope with the impending marriage???

[kml]

Well, for one thing, stop imagining that he is starting this "wonderful life" with her! He's bringing all his own problems along with him and they are starting their marriage knowing they are both capable of infidelity. Nice start huh?

Second, acknowledge that you have had a lot of losses and stresses unrelated to him and that some of what you're feeling about his marriage is just transferring those losses onto his marriage.

Third - you'd be surprised at the healing power of being adored by a new guy. Honest.

(Haha - my ex was very bothered by my midlife moderate weight gain. But this weekend I acquired a suitor who thinks I look like a "piece of candy with legs" And my last boyfriend loved my ample booty - it was his favorite thing about me. Just saying, it's nice to be with a man who really appreciates who you are.)

[lea74]

Thanks for the advise. It would be nice to appreciated and loved again. One of the reasons he said he left me was that I didnt put him first - not sure what that meant and guess what he couldnt explain it either.
Perhaps he didnt like me putting our kids first I dont know - I am still trying to understand it all.
Ironically now all I am in a mother, not a wife anymore and also dont have a job so not an employee. It is funny how I have ended up being what he said I was.

I would love to meet a new man but have to be honest dont know where to start. I feel like a 37 year old virgin, as I have only ever been with xH and we never dated as we were together for so long. I have tried a couple of dating sites, but to be honest I have no idea how to flirt or what to say. I dont think I need a paper bag ;-), my friends say I am pretty (I think they are biased though). I always make an effort about how I look and do about 3 hours (give or take) of gym a week.

I guess right now I am missing being a family and doing the family things. And unfortunately they now get to that as a cosy little foursome each time my sons go to their dad.

Just feeling in a bit of slump at the moment.

[lea74]

kml: So been thinking about you said about starting a marriage know that they both cheat.

Well my xH doesnt think he cheated. In his mind we were seperated so that didnt count at cheating. What he forgets though is that one of the other reasons he left was because he was confused about he felt about her - he had been having a EA with her for about a year before that. Alot of secretative texting and very neccessary 'business' trips with her.

For the first 6 months of our seperation we were still very much together. He would stay over, we would have very flirtatious textings and even went on dates. I have since found out and via some information I gathered that he was with her at this time as well. Which means he was cheating on his girlfriend with his wife. So he is just one big fat CHEATER!! So some please explain to me why I still miss him and dont hate him as much as I should or are expected to. Why do I even care that he is getting married - in fact I should be relieved that he is not my problem anymore. (In fact my L says it is better for me that they are M so that he cant say he cant maintenance as he has two incomes now.)

[ClingingToHope]

The putting a person first thing.

OK. After XW and I split up, I found some marriage rebuilders classes and started to go.

Lots of good stuff in it. Stuff neither one of us really knew, because we just kept to ourselves.

Here's a big one and it goes to that point.

In a marriage, the man and the woman are in the center circle together. EVERYONE else, parents, friends, kids, are in the outer circles.

At its heart, marriage is about the man and the woman.

So if you feel you did put the kids first, that's part of the problem. I did the same thing. I put our kids first. Always. I thought that's what you do as a parent.

After going through the classes, I forgot that it's about the marriage first.

I wish I could go back and do that over.

[lea74]

So had some interactions with xH today - very annoying. He has withdrawn his offer to purchase our sons school shoes as he says I didnt say thank you to the text that he sent me with the offer. Absolutely riduculous - I dont recall not replying to the text re the shoes, but that is besides the point. How can he offer to help out with my sons school uniform next year and then when I dont react or behave exactly as he expects me to, he withdraws the offer.

It is really pathetic - if you offer to do something for your kids then do it, regardless of what the adult does.

I really have to learn to not let him push my buttons. I keep feeling that the only to move forward is to just ignore that he exists. We do not co-parent and never will. He doesnt actually live in the country most of the time anyway and I do everything with regards to our sons anyway. I know it is not ideal, but unfortunately xH believes that the OW (even though they arent married yet) is another parent and that she should be included in all the parenting decicions and that the three of us should parent my sons. (Maybe this is called tri-parenting).

[lea74]

So have woken up in a better mood this am. Realising that I am sounding really bitter at the moment and giving my xH nd OW alot of my brain energy. So have given myself a good talking to and have reminded myself that i need to detach in order to move forward. I am really keen on finding a nice person to share my lonely weekends with and I cant do that if I looke bitter and sad all the time. So, it is alot of smiley faces from now on.

Today I am taking my son to a leavers service which I am sure will be great. He is finishing primary school and moving onto high school next year so all go to this church service for the year 6s. (We are in the UK hence the different terminology).

[25yearsmlc]

legally OW is NOT a 3rd parent. Enough said...


as for you not sucking up enough for your sons to have the shoes ex h promised

I'd have laughed & asked if he was serious...

You have gotten great advice here. Mainly if you have to mind read, don't make it so great to be them.

And take charge of your life more. You sound "resigned" and that's not a great way to attract what you want in life.


You have more going for you than you are admitting. I know you feel rejected

(well you were rejected.) I get that. But one man's opinion of his needs and wants

feels terrible when he was your h for so long BUT in reality, it may have

all been about HIM. WHat if that's the case?

Then all this pain you are inflicting on yourself is useless


in fact, unless you are working on self improvement, and learning something,

why do this to yourself at all?

Be gentle with yourself.

And don't forget to model strong healthy behavior for your sons...they will have their hearts broken too one day.

Teach them that their pain, like yours, is not eternal,

Nor is it fatal. You will survive and thrive and you will be happy again.

The dating? Takes practice.

Be friends first, but imagine sex with OM being a good thing...and then get used to that image!!

[mishka422]

Lea,

I was going to tell you the exact same thing that CTH told you about putting your M first and foremost above all else. I learned that less in DivorceCare classes and was, quite honestly, stunned! I had always learned that your children come first but if your M comes second or third then the whole family suffers including your children. WOW! My son is autistic, my elderly terminally ill mother lived with us and I made them my priority instead of my M....big mistake!

I'm glad you are feeling better about things today! When you lose the option of counseling it is very hard to find outlets for feelings that no one in your RL wants to hear about and that is one reason this board is such a blessing.

Keep coming and venting, sharing, and growing with us! We all get through this together.

[kml]

But one man's opinion of his needs and wants

feels terrible when he was your h for so long BUT in reality, it may have

all been about HIM. WHat if that's the case?

Amen! One of the most interesting things about post-divorce dating has been finding out how many men actually LOVE the things about me that were irritants to my husband!