I appreciate your advice (as I do everyone's) but you especially because you were a WAW. I need to consult you before I do anything. I don't know how to act anymore around my W, my world is falling apart around me. I thought I was following DR, but maybe I have interpreted it wrong.
So, that's why I am asking you to be my channel to what to do, until I can do it without asking. In many ways you are my angel (my little voice) the compass that guides me. I promise to use the board from now on before I do anything.
So, here goes.
My W is bringing the 2 of the 3 kids to her parents to drop them off for an extended 2 week visit, on saturday. My inlays live 8 hrs away so they are meeting her half way. She asked me if I had to work on Saturday I don't have to work, because I am on stress leave which she has no idea about, due to the a bomb, I just go to work in the morning(really i am going to my sisters house to get my sh@t together) I said yes I was working, so that she would have to take our son along with her. It was a snap reaction to buy me time to think over my reaction and ask for advice here and because if she has my son with her, she can't go see OM. Yes I know that is a controlling action. But, it drives me crazy thinking about her with someone else. I feel like all the trust is gone. I trusted her before she started lying to me and now I don't trust her.
Anyways, what should I do?
Should I tell her I was able to switch shifts and have Saturday off so that i can see what her plans are for that day?
If she asks me i will keep my son home but that would be more of the same behavior (i have never turned down one of my wifes requests to look after my kids).
What should I do now?
I know that if she wants to see OM she will do it anyways, but if the opportunity to see him is not there then that helps me to keep the crazy out (btw I am NOT medicated, but would love happy pills).
Do I simply need to release the desire to influence events to my favor? And trust her (I don't know that I can).
She broke my trust.
What is the best way to respond to this sitch? In my mind and my heart and legally we are still married, even though emotionally she has left the marriage.
I desperately don't want to backslide again. I feel like I am even farther back from my starting point now because I know about OM. I know I can forgive her if she gives out M a chance, it will take time, but she is worth it to me.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Do I just have to let her go, and HOPE to win her back? That makes me feel like I am giving up, like I am not honoring my marriage vows of "in good times and in bad"
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Also, I am wondering if a WAW, can be influenced to be a WAW, by someone else's coaching. One of my W friends is newly separated about 14 months now. My wife's behavior changed drastically when she started hanging out with this person more. I know that my w was not overjoyed with our marriage, but I always thought it was due to the home daycare stress. All of which would relieve itself in time. My W is the type of person who can be easily influenced by someone with a more dominant personality. I've seen it in how she mimicked her sister b4 her friend came into the picture...
She started dressing like her friend... She started wearing dark makeup like her friend. She started going to the gym like her friend. She started going out on the weekends instead of spending time with me, like her friend... She got a blackberry so she could text her friend... She met OM through her friend
The list goes on.
Now, I am not blaming this on the friend, but could the friend be coaching my wife in a misguided attempt to help her? Has my wife chosen to model these behaviors after her example,, it just seems too convenient. Will she ever go back to herself again? Will she realize that she is not being true ie to herself?
At one point last year I called her on it... I said "I married YOU! Not "friend". She got angry and said not to blame "friend" for her changes.
Interestingly enough my wife's sister told her in essence the same thing about how miserable people attract misery and it affects this around them negatively. I think she was right on target with her comments. My wife has responded to her sister by pulling away from their relationship too.
Thoughts anyone?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I reacted out of emotion. It is pretty tough to have your spouse tell you they have been unfaithful.
Agreed it is tough hearing those words from your spouse. I have not personally been in that situation, but i can empathize.
But reacting to emotions is just going to make things worse for you.
Yup, a bomb like that can have an emotion. But how you react to it is under your control.
If this has just started for you, you might run into more issues down the lane. If you are done with the marriage and dont really care what happens to your or your marriage, then it is your choice. But if you use this as an opportunity to figure out what went wrong and honestly explore and figure out if your marriage can be salvaged, then do not become a slave to emotions. learn to control them and channel those feelings in a mature manner.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I reacted out of emotion. It is pretty tough to have your spouse tell you they have been unfaithful.
***I understand. I would have been emotional, too. We're just trying to get you to see that you can't keep ACTING OUT on your emotion, or making DECISIONS based upon it. Come here, vent, scream, go to a friend, go into the woods and scream to the trees, but don't react from your emotion TO YOUR WIFE.***
Btw, what's to wonder. She cheated on me, I had every right to call her on it. We discussed it briefly, I sent those texts, and I am dark.
***Yep, you had the "right." So where did it get you? Did it help, or did it hurt?***
Was I supposed to just keep that I knew about the infidelity to myself? ***For now, yes, you were. Until you were in a more detached state, where you could decide how and if to best use it. Decide LOGICALLY, instead of react EMOTIONALLY. You are highly REACTIVE right now, and that's not a trait that's going to help you any.***
I dont understand. How can a bomb like that go without emotion? ***It's OK to have emotion. Just don't ACT on it.***
I am desperately trying to follow DR. Am taking my anger over her Affair and channelling that into GAL. I am using every ounce of strength to keep focussed. I did not resort to yelling or screaming when she admitted the A. That is all 180 behavior for me, and I feel good about it. The old me would have screamed and cried and everything. I was rational and calm. Furthermore, I went to her family BBQ and endured the torture for longer. The old me would have not gone. Instead, I showed my wife through action that I was ok, even though I wasn't.
***If you feel you were helped by this, then there's really nothing we can say. YES, it's always better to confront calmly. And SOMETIMES, it is BEST to confront NOT AT ALL. At least not until you have a plan.***
I won't know if it helped or hindered until my w addresses it with me.
She was truly upset to be found out. She oscillated between no emotion, and crying, while we talked. When I asked her if she was having an affair, she looked emberassed to admit it, and she whispered in a soft voice yes. At that point we went outside to talk so that the kids didn't walk in. Again I kept my composure as best I could. I'm sure she saw a more rational side of me, but emotion did creep in.
I also believe that it was important for me to request that she END the R with the OM. She needed to see me stand up for myself, and she needs to be reminded that she is not on moral ground here. I know we both pride ourselves on being good moral parents for our kids, and she needed to realize that what she was doing is not moral. I know she would di that for me if i compromised my morals. Everyone can make mistakes, and if she can admit that what she did was wrong then, we can move forward. I do not expect to hear that for a very long time, but I know she will realize it.
Now, it's up to me to GAL. To be the man she needs now more than ever... I am going to see my DR on Thursday and ask him for some happy pills to help me even out the highs and lows to assist me in my journey.
Life is full of choices. When you make a bad one, one that hurts others, apologize, learn from it and move on, but don't repeat it.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Ok so from here on in forward, when my W drops a bomb (I hope no more), I will respond that I need some time to process what she has said and reflect before I respond. Then I will come here for advice.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
