Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[ericmsant2]

Scylla
I have never posted to you before but was reading up on some of your old threads and wanted to provide my perspective on your sitch.
Re: the hug comments:

So you're saying somehow this is a positive sign? He's still comfortable enough to be around people that do love me. Is that what you're getting at?

My STBXW did some of the same things….would walk in a room and say hello and hug everyone EXCEPT me. I actually felt the same way that you did….that she must have been doing this to piss me off. What I came to realize is that for her she was really done (at least in her mind). The lack of a hug from her to me was HER boundary. It was HER message. I finally came to realize that what she wanted…rather needed…was to see that I was “accepting of her” choices, which is the place where I finally came to. I finally accepted that SHE was done with the R. So…why is this a positive? Here is my take:
1) By accepting her position I freed her and me from the pain that remained every time we interacted.
2) By freeing her I now gave her the opportunity to “look” at the R from a different place. That said, I also accepted that she MAY choose to not consider reconciliation.
3) Freeing her and trying to be as civil as possible, also shows that you respect (not agree) with their choices.

Right now, at this moment LauraOh, I consider him truly gone.

This ^^^^ is good IMO. Accept that he is gone because in many cases, the R must start anew. A new R (if possible) can only start once the old one is dead and gone.

It's just a matter of finishing dividing assets and me becominng fully self supporting.

I may be misreading the “tone” in which you wrote this BUT I sense anger in having to divide assets and becoming self supporting. The anger is normal Scylla. That said, why not look at it from a different perspective? Why not consider it a positive (as best as you can). Consider that YOU Scyall will rebuild under difficult condition BUT it is YOU and ONLY YOU that will do this. That in and of itself should be uplifting and not negative.

He is my co-parent.

Some MLCer are NOT co-parents…some are not parents at all or some are more of a “parallel parent”. Be grateful that he is trying to co-parent with you. Consider this, the more angry he sees you the less likely he is to consider (and YES it is HIS and YOUR CHOICE to ever give this another chance) reconciliation in the future.

Not my friend or someone that even likes/cares who I am.

How do you know this? Take a step back for a second and step away from your own anger at him…..would YOU want to be YOUR friend if you were being treated like you treat him? I am not saying that you do not have a right to be angry. No. What I am saying is why would YOU want to be friends with someone that seems (even when it is subtle) angry at you.

I am who I am.

In principal I agree with you. That said, I know that sometime we can use this as an excuse. An excuse to not do the real work on ourselves.

I can change my behaviour, but my basic character remains.

Does it? Really? What is character to YOU? Is your character one of compassion, a kind spirit? Is your character PRIDEFUL? Is that it? IMO, this comes across once again as anger. It is almost like you are saying that “hey…I am stubborn it is who I am and although I can “act” like I am not…deep down inside I am”. Personally, it is an excuse…at least IMO.

Sux to be me.

It only sux to be YOU if YOU feel that way. So why do YOU feel that way?

I see it as acceptance that I made a critical error in my life at quite a young age. An error that will be difficult to recover from in many areas of my life. My responsibility. Yeah I screwed up.

I agree with laura…kind of a victim mentality. We all made mistakes in our life. You, your H, me, my STBXW, my friends, my parent, your parents, everyone. Look ya did the best you knew how to do at the time. You know better now. Forgive yourself Sycall. Do not hide behind the anger and pride. Accept that you made mistakes as did your H. Then let them go.
“difficult” to recover is NOT impossible. What are trying to recover though? What exactly are you trying to accomplish?

I made a lot of bad choices. I accept that my choices have consquences.

You did, f*ck I did too. Fine. It is what it is. Yes there are consequences to bad choices. Accept them. That said YOU do not have to live in that state of mind. You can choose to forgive yourself, your H and YOU can choose to become the women that YOU really want to be. That women that is deep down inside of you. A woman that you can look at and be proud of BUT it takes some work on your part. Letting go of anger and pride would probably be the first step.

To be honest - the best thing you could do for yourself is to detach from him and from any "expectations" about rebuilding your relationship.

Spot on Walking….spot on!
Scylla, I have no comment on the dating comment. Do what You feel you need to do. I will only ask you these questions….
1) Do you think you are healed?
2) Do you think it is fair to someone else that may not understand where you are at?
3) Do you think you are done? And if so, what does done mean to you?
Good luck and God Bless,
Eric