Another day...

[hollowed454]

yah I have. I've lost roughly about 15 lbs already between not eating much and going out jogging everyday.

No NC today at all. In a couple of hours going to a fireworks show they are having nearby.

I mean I know while I should be happy about remaining calm towards her when she basically told me she's sleeping with another man at the same time I feel like a complete coward for not standing up for myself about it. Which I understand what your saying about long term consequences.

I'm not even real sure if she will do a "look back" when there is someone else involved in this thing.

I've been out most of the day today. Went and seen my dad in the hospital. Went got some groceries. went jogging at the park earlier. Just went out driving around for a little bit. Someone I know that I used to work with text me earlier that she had some charity work she was doing...don't know the extent of it other than for some reason she has to take a pie in the face...I asked her to let me know if they need any other volunteers.

I have started to think that maybe my WAW has been trying to start arguments and trying to get a rise out me in an attempt to get me so mad that I will go off on her so that maybe she can justify some of her actions.

Still tempting to take the job where my wife works at just if nothing else they see that I'm not as horrible a person as she makes me out to be. That does drive me nuts. I won't though. for one it would be awkward and two I feel there's a 99.9% chance that is where the OM works as well.

Hopefully a job comes along soon..

[aeolianchaos]

I mean I know while I should be happy about remaining calm towards her when she basically told me she's sleeping with another man at the same time I feel like a complete coward for not standing up for myself about it.

Cowardice is failing to demonstrate sufficient courage in the face of a challenge (as per wikipedia). Are you sure that what you are doing is cowardice?

Is it not standing up for yourself to aspire towards a higher ideal than 'fighting what already is'?

I think a lot of this stuff is about how you frame it - if you aspire to be a collected and strong person with a positive self-image, then you took a courageous step in the face of a big challenge to your ego, and did well.

I have started to think that maybe my WAW has been trying to start arguments and trying to get a rise out me in an attempt to get me so mad that I will go off on her so that maybe she can justify some of her actions.

Maybe. You can't read her mind though, so its kind of moot. Make the decision that you will be proud of 10 years from now and you'll probably be better off.

[hollowed454]

I suppose your right. I'm trying to change some of my ways not just because it's a 180 but because it's something that needs to change anyways. Flying off the handle isn't exactly the best way to handle my problems.

I have had no contact with her since Saturday. It hasn't been easy but I have managed. Missing her comes in big waves and then subsides to a small war in my mind. One of the hardest parts is the images of her being with another guy. That's torture for me. I just don't see how it's done so effortlessly on her part. I guess it's as her brother once told me she's not right in the head at all and eventually all her lies will catch up to her.

Today my plans are to go jogging here shortly,put out some more applications,go to the store,repainting my desk because it's gotten slightly scuffed up over the years,going to take my dogs for a walk this evening,go to the hospital to see my dad & probably go see my little brother.

[jbnati]

I have started to think that maybe my WAW has been trying to start arguments and trying to get a rise out me in an attempt to get me so mad that I will go off on her so that maybe she can justify some of her actions.

Although you can't make this assumption, this is some textbook WAW behavior. Pushing buttons on expecting a specific response. This is an opportunity to do a 180. Just be ready for it if it happens.

Still tempting to take the job where my wife works at just if nothing else they see that I'm not as horrible a person as she makes me out to be. That does drive me nuts. I won't though. for one it would be awkward and two I feel there's a 99.9% chance that is where the OM works as well.

This would be hoot. I can see the temptation, and it probably makes you feel better just by thinking about it. But don't take the job for this reason. It sounds like you're not 100% serious about taking it anyway.

Hope you find a job soon.

[aeolianchaos]

I'm trying to change some of my ways not just because it's a 180 but because it's something that needs to change anyways. Flying off the handle isn't exactly the best way to handle my problems.

And these are the best 180s, in my opinion. One thing that seems to be emphasized here is that you do these things for YOU. Get a Life for YOU. Do 180s for YOU.

Its self-centered/self-focused but that doesn't mean you are being self-absorbed. You're just keeping your motivations straight so things like your W's behavior doesn't throw you off your personal path.

To do them for your W, especially while she is doing what she is doing, would be misguided. Do it for you and you'll be able to deal with your situation a lot easier. Also - you do these things to make a positive change in your life and if its positive, you'd like it to stick, wouldn't you?

One of the hardest parts is the images of her being with another guy. That's torture for me. I just don't see how it's done so effortlessly on her part

I hear you, Hollowed. I was there a month and a half ago and its an unpleasant place to be - I think that this is something that is going to take time for you to process on a level that is beneath just thinking. Do you think you could consciously make a decision to compartmentalize these thoughts so they don't interfere with your important work? Your brain will deal with them in time, but really its just information - no urgent threat to your existence. They aren't responsible for your happiness or well being.

One thing I will say, is that you don't know how effortless this is for her. None of us can be inside her head, and she can be putting on a very smooth facade but inside it is probably a lot more stormy. Sometimes those storms run deep inside and they aren't even aware of it for a while.. The fact is, none of us are mind readers - sometimes when we think we are, we can end up making things a lot worse for ourselves and others. I know that is true for me, at least.

[hollowed454]

This would be hoot. I can see the temptation, and it probably makes you feel better just by thinking about it. But don't take the job for this reason. It sounds like you're not 100% serious about taking it anyway.

Hope you find a job soon.

Nah I already turned it down. She doesn't know that so I do find some sick pleasure in knowing that she dreaded going in today in case I was there. Like I said I'm 99.9% certain the OM works there and I know that would make for a volatile situation.

I did though just a few minutes ago get offered a better job than that one around the same area. Don't really like that but different company and I need work.

[hollowed454]

I hear you, Hollowed. I was there a month and a half ago and its an unpleasant place to be - I think that this is something that is going to take time for you to process on a level that is beneath just thinking. Do you think you could consciously make a decision to compartmentalize these thoughts so they don't interfere with your important work? Your brain will deal with them in time, but really its just information - no urgent threat to your existence. They aren't responsible for your happiness or well being.

One thing I will say, is that you don't know how effortless this is for her. None of us can be inside her head, and she can be putting on a very smooth facade but inside it is probably a lot more stormy. Sometimes those storms run deep inside and they aren't even aware of it for a while.. The fact is, none of us are mind readers - sometimes when we think we are, we can end up making things a lot worse for ourselves and others. I know that is true for me, at least.

it's not easy at all. Been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about it but hard not too. I'm trying to take things one day at a time as hard as it is to do.

One thing I know is that there will come a day she is going to regret what she has done I have no doubts about that. Big question is if I will still be there to catch her when she falls. She tends to do that stuff a lot. Do something and then later regret it. I think right now she's too caught up in this other guy to even really take a look back. If there's one thing I know about my wife it's that she falls "in love" quickly.

[sandi2]

FWIW, I am very proud of you. I think the way you remained cool while she talked, was the best way to handle it. It shows you have come a long way. If you had reacted in jealousy or anger, then she would have either thought you had not changed any....or else, her mission to tempt and rile you about OM was successful.

The other thing that I am happy to hear is how you are filling up your time with activity. I know it must be really hard to suddenly be alone. However, I believe that once you are open to meeting new people.....I think that will place them right in your pathway. Noticed anyone else jogging or walking with their dogs? Who doesn't love dogs? And speaking of walking pets, there may be somebody in your neighborhood who are not able to get out and could use you to help out by walking their dogs. Just a thought.

When we truly give our time and offer our help to others (spouse is not counted here) then I believe it helps to fill your heart and certainly helps to get your mind off your stitch.

(hugs)

[hollowed454]

Went and got my hair cut yesterday. Wow from long hair to short big change. I like it though.

I went and walked my dogs at the park yesterday morning. Haven't really seen too many people out there though. Quite possibly because of the time of day. I picked up and exercise bike yesterday so I'm going to do it this morning and go to the park this afternoon see if I can catch more people around. Was kind of funny yesterday when I was walking. The park is hosting children's activities and such this week so when I got close to the area where they had the first graders one of them yelled at hey look at that guy. I just resumed my walk and when I got to the area they were at a couple of them came up asking me about my tattoos and piercings. Got to love the blunt honesty and curious nature of little kids. Small children and older people it seems will usually come up and just talk to me before people around my age will.

It is really hard dealing with all this. Used to someone else being around and they aren't here anymore. Very sickening feeling of knowing she is another man's arms now. Knowing how my WAW is I know she feels that she is in love with the OM already. Which is one of the other challenges here. I'm just trying my best to keep my distance which is something else hard to do. Getting a little bit easier but here and there I just get these sickening panic attacks and start thinking that I really need to send her a text or drive over there to see if she's okay.

Got a job starting on Monday. Go here shortly to talk over the last few details before I start. So that will eat up some my time anyways. I spent a little while yesterday talking to one of my neighbors. I was out walking the dog and she was outside on her balcony so we talked for a while. Idle chit chat about the renovations going on around the apartments and such.

Someone I know said they was doing a charity thing here in the next couple of weeks. She just mentioned something about taking a pie in the face. I asked her to see if they need any other volunteers and let me know. Sounds like it might be something fun to do.

[aeolianchaos]

Getting a little bit easier but here and there I just get these sickening panic attacks and start thinking that I really need to send her a text or drive over there to see if she's okay.

What is the fear?

I think you are doing some solid work and a lot of the stuff you're thinking/feeling is probably totally normal. It's a bummer to deal with it, but unfortunately that is the position our brains put us in for the moment.

Congratulations on the job.